The institution of marriage shouldn’t look like a Victorian mental asylum, not built for modern life
I would like to be taught how to fight. Not boxing or karate or anything you need a costume for, just lessons in common basic argument, between people who love each other. New York magazine interviewed a collection of couples, asking what they wish their partner would say in a fight. “What I need him to say is: ‘Yes, [my family] are assholes and they are snobs and I can’t imagine how much it sucks to hang out with them when you’re not biologically obligated to, but please, I need you there with me, and I’ll buy you a huge thank-you present for it.’” I wanted a stream of these truths, hooked straight to a vein. “She said I was disempowering her in front of her children and taking her voice away. I wish she said: ‘Shit, you know what? You’re right. I took it too far. I’ll check myself next time.’” MORE. “I just snapped. I said, ‘If I miscarry, it’s because you didn’t take good care of me.’ He was, like, ‘You are awful. Listen to what you just said…’ I wanted him to say, ‘Jesus Christ, get off your feet right now. You’re not lifting a finger until we know this pregnancy is healthy. I forbid you from taking any risks because I love you and our future baby too much.’” Raw, irrational, so real they sting like menthol shower gel, and reason enough, if more reason was needed, to question why we tie ourselves together, and in knots, and forever.
The current iteration of divorce requires formally trash-talking the person you once loved
Parental alienation syndrome or PAS is a very tragic situation in which one parent can turn a child against the other parent. This typically happens during a divorce situation.
The parent could be alienating the child from the other parent unconsciously because of their strong feelings about the other parent, or they could be doing it consciously because of their strong beliefs that they have.
PAS occurs when a child starts to have strong feelings towards one of their children because of the things that the other parent says about them.
Usually, this happens when a child’s parents can not get along and have deep feelings of dislike or hatred towards the other parent.
This can be done to be malicious, but sometimes it is done in a way that is not intentional by the other parent.
In fact, it could simply happen because the child feels the tension between the two parents and blames one of the parents for this tension.
This is not a problem that is seen in all parts of the world but instead is a problem that is more commonly associated with the United States.
This is caused by the custodial parent making the child feel sorry about the non-custodial parent.
However, it can occur in the opposite situation as well whereas the non-custodial parent blames the custodial parent for all of the issues.
This happens when one of the parents has an intense hatred towards the other parent for no real reason.
Even if the two parents have a right to hate one another those reasons should not be information that is shared with the child.
The child who is being turned against one of their parents will start to model and display specific behaviors towards the other parent.
These behaviors include a total lack of respect, a disregard for the parent’s feelings, insulting or even abusing the parent.
The child is going to display a series of eight behaviors. These are as follows:
Behavior # 1 – The child is going to alienate one of their parents and will start to turn that parent into a villain.
He might begin to call that parent abusive or say terrible things to them for no reason at all.
Behavior # 2 – When the parent asks why they are being treated this way by the child, the child is not going to be able to give a good reason for this. In some cases, the reasoning might even be absurd.
Behavior # 3 – The child is going to be mad at the parent all of the time. They will even show permanent discord with the parent.
Behavior # 4 – The child is going to feel as though they made all of these decisions about the aligned parent themselves.
They might even share stories of events that happened to them that are untrue, but the child is convinced that they are correct.
Behavior # 5 – The child is going to be overly supportive of the parent that is alienating the other parent.
They might even idolize this parent and claim that this parent is perfect rather than admitting to this parent’s problems or faults.
Behavior # 6 – The child will not feel sorry about how they treat the parent that they are alienating.
Behavior # 7 – The child is going to portray the feelings of the parent that is alienating the other parent.
They are going to have opinions of events and things that they should not even have knowledge of or be worried about.
Behavior # 8 – Also the child is going to have a lot of strong feelings about the alienated parent’s family and friends.
They are going to claim negative things about them all as well.
Regardless of the reasoning that one parent has to feel bad about the other parent, it is essential that the child not know that.
Thought Reform, Character Assassination, Transfer of Custody.
What is enmeshment or pathological enmeshment?
Here’s a quote for you: “Pathological enmeshment is where the alienating parent has unhealthy enmeshment with a child to the point where the child has lost his or her own individuality” – by Stephen G Miller.
It’s all about boundaries, and this is not every case, but for a lot of you, about the lack of boundaries is so severe it becomes a case of enmeshment.
Enmeshment is where the parent tries to strip the individuality of the child and make him or her they’re equal. It frequently happens when your ex is lonely, and they don’t have a new love in their life a new boyfriend a girlfriend, so they inappropriately put your child in an equal role– an equal adult role.
They will tell them everything… they’ll say to them inappropriate adult subject matters, they’ll talk about you in very graphic terms almost like they’re talking to their best friend. This lack of boundaries spills over, and sometimes it even leads to what’s called “emotional incest.”
-we won’t get into that, but you can figure out what that is by the title of it.
So they don’t want the child to be independent, they want your child to be an automaton and just an automatic equal to them, and it spills they try to spill all of their emotional garbage into your child’s brain and try to get sympathy; and basically try to make them equal and intertwined like this.
And one day if your child rebels, well hell will hath no fury because that alienation will try to guilt the child into allegiance.
This happens all the time in cases like this, so enmeshment is an awful form of child abuse.
What I’ve read, and what the professionals say, is that the effects of this on the child are not very good– frequently depression, alcohol abuse, a lack of boundaries on the child’s end, if that makes any sense.
So the child is primarily being taught no boundaries well they have no limits in their own life, and it leads to everything from depression to alcohol abuse and a whole host of other problems. So it might not be going on your case, but for those of you that is, I implore you to Google the word enmeshment, pathological enmeshment, psychological enmeshment, and emotional enmeshment to get more information on that.
But I just wanted to give you a quick primer and see if maybe this is affecting you– it did in my case and but again there’s hope for you, it can be overcome.
I did overcome it with my son, we have an excellent relationship today.
Hello, my name is Cassandra Pillonel, and I’m an attorney with the Austin, Texas offices of Cordell & Cordell.
I’m going to speak to you today about parental alienation and what you can do to recognize the signs of parental alienation and prepare your case to speak to a judge about parental alienation issues.
Parental alienation is becoming a very serious problem, and it’s more and more recognized by the courts.
Courts are taking action to help correct and remediation issues of parental alienation, but it’s important for parents to also recognize symptoms, so that they can present those to the court. So, it may be helpful for you to look out and talk to your attorney about some of the contributions of the alienating parent.
For instance, does the alienating parent fail to pass on letters or phone messages from the other parent?
Does the alienating parent strongly support a child’s right to make their own decisions about visiting the other parent?
Does the alienating parent strongly denigrate the other parent? Does that parent do so within the child’s presence?
Does that parent also encourage the child to denigrate the other parent?
Does the alienating parent tell the child stories about the other parents’ lack of love or lack of care, or does the alienating parent harbor deep distrust or fear of the other parent?
Remember, this is not an exhaustive list. There may be other issues that exist in your case, but this is at least a starting point from which to begin a conversation with your attorney about alienation.
Also, are you observing changes in your child’s behavior?
Are you observing those changes both before and after a period of possession?
Is your child acting fearful?
Is your child having nightmares?
Is your child behaving in a paranoid manner.
Is your child exhibiting some other stress symptoms, for example is your child suddenly bedding wetting?
Is your child suddenly sharing with you details about the divorce, about child support, or possession orders, things that the child shouldn’t have knowledge of?
Again, this is not an exhaustive list of what children undergo when they’re victim of alienation, but it is a a good starting point which to have a conversation with your attorney about some of the issues connected with alienation.
If you feel like you’re a victim of it parental alienation, have a talk with your attorney, talk about some of the facts involved.
You may decide that you want an expert involved, or you may decide that this is a matter that’s left for the court to hear.
Either way, it’s very important to bring these matters to your attorneys attention, so that you can address the parental alienation issues now before they get worse.
Thank you for listening to this very brief explanation of what you can do if you believe that you have been a victim parental alienation..
Welcome and thank you for joining us. During tonight’s show we will be discussing how to identify some of the early signs of parental alienation.
So what are some of the clues that suggested parent may be the target of an alienating individual?
The children perceive one parent is causing financial problems of the other parent.
The children appear to have knowledge of details relating to the legal aspects of the divorce or separation.
The children shows some negative changing their attitude toward the targeted parent.
The children appear uneasy around target parent they resort to one-word answers and failed to engage openly in conversations as they previously have done.
The children are uncharacteristically rude and or belligerent to target parent.
Access time is not occurring as agreed upon or court ordered visitation is being unilaterally cut back by the other parent. However the hostile aggressive parent may try to schedule visitation access during a time they know would impractical or impossible for the targeted parent to accept.
That is during the targeted parents normal work schedule. They made then tell the child: “See I told you he doesn’t care about you.”
The hostile aggressive parent will also use these instances is quasi exculpatory evidence in the event they face accusations of alienation of affection.
The hostile aggressive parent undermines the other parent or speaks disparagingly about other parent in the presence of the children.
The hostile aggressive parent starts making reference to other apparent as being abusive and a risk to their children with no apparent good reason.
Allowing children to choose whether or not to visit a parent even though the court has not empowered the parent or children to make that choice.
Telling their children about why the marriage failed and giving them the details about the divorce or separation settlement.
Refusing the other apparent access to medical and school records our schedules of extracurricular activities.
Blaming the other apparent for not having enough money, changes in lifestyle or other problems in the children’s prisons.
Rigid enforcement of the visitation schedule for no good reason other than getting back at the other parent.
Asks the children to choose one parent over the other. Reminding the children that their children have good reason to feel angry toward their other parent.
Reopening old wounds preventing the normal healing process from occurring.
Setting up temptations that interfere with visitation.
Giving the children the impression that having a good time on a visit will hurt the parent.
Asking their children about the other parents personal life.
Rescuing their children from the other parent when there is no danger.
Simply put the parents engaging in such behavior are unfit abusive parents putting their own emotional needs before those of their children.
So, how serious is this and what could a parent expect if the child succumbs to the alienation?
In severe cases of parental alienation the child is utterly brainwashed against the targeted parent.
The alienating parent can truthfully say that the child does not want to spend any time with the targeted parent.
Even though the alienating parent has told the child that he has to.
The alienating parent typically responds: “There isn’t anything that I can do about it I told him you’re the only dad he has and he needs to give you a chance.
I’m not telling him that he can’t see you.” Sorry but we are out of time and that concludes tonight’s show.