Categories
Parenting

Does Punishment Work?

Physical Punishment is Ineffective and Harmful

Effective discipline does not involve physical punishment of children.

Recent studies have shown a direct link between physical punishment and several negative developmental outcomes for children including physical injury, increased aggression, antisocial behavior, difficulty adjusting as an adult and a higher tolerance towards violence.

Research has also shown that physical punishment poses a risk to the safety and development of children.

It is crucial for parents to gain an awareness of other approaches to discipline because it is all too simple for physical punishment to turn into child abuse and result in severe physical injury, detrimental emotional damage and even death.

Each year thousands of children continue to die as a result of physical abuse.

Children have a right to be protected from physical abuse, and laws in every state demand severe punishment for those found guilty of physically harming a child.

Most parents do not want to use physical punishment as a form of discipline.

A child that lives in an abusive environment is likely to grow up and either be abusive themselves or have severe social, emotional, physical and cognitive delays in development.

Parents’ disciplinary methods serve as strong models to children that teach them how to deal with life’s day-to-day challenges.

It is important for parents to model appropriate behavior and to establish expectations as well as limits.

Children have a right to live in a safe, secure and nurturing environment, and their dignity must be respected.

Parents must consistently use fair and logical consequences whenever children fail to follow rules.

They must keep in mind that a child is not a miniature adult, but only a child and that discipline must be age appropriate and fit the child’s temperament and maturity.

Adults who recognize they have a problem with physically abusing their children should immediately seek professional help and ensure their children are taken to a safe environment to avoid harming them further.

Punishment actually does work to shape different behaviors in children.

What you want to use punishment for is to guide your child towards a more positive, acceptable means of behavior.

I like to think of punishment and discipline and consequences as something that goes hand-in-hand.

Parents often ask me,

“What type of punishment should I use for this specific situation?”

I always remind parents that punishment needs to be something that’s realistic.

And it needs to be a situation or a consequence that really fits the negative behavior.

For instance, if a child breaks something in the home, a punishment or consequence may be to take time away from your child’s computer time and fix the particular thing that they broke, so that there’s actually a connection between the negative behavior and something positive.

Punishment should never be punitive.

Punishment

It should be something that’s used as a teaching situation.

I often want to remind parents too that punishment, discipline and consequences aren’t the only ways to shape behavior.

But before you even get to a consequence, you may want to try praise and encouragement when your child is doing something positive..

As found on Youtube

News

LONDON — The government of Wales (UK) has a question for parents: Is it ever right to physically punish your children?

It began a 12-week feedback process on the issue on Tuesday, with officials saying they hoped to join more than 50 countries that have adopted an outright ban on the practice.

They would also be following the example of Scotland, which announced plans for a ban after a consultation of its own last summer.

“We all want to give our children the best start in life,” said Huw Irranca-Davies, the Welsh minister for children and social care, and a father of three boys.

“Children do not come with an instruction manual and sometimes parents need guidance and support to help them raise healthy and happy children.”

Some opposition to a ban has already gathered.

A group called Be Reasonable, named after an exemption in current assault laws for “reasonable punishment” of children by parents, says it has more than 1,500 names on a petition against the proposal, in a nation of a little over 3 million people.

“A little gentle slap here and there is just a part of teaching discipline,” a Be Reasonable campaigner, Angie Robins, a mother of three from Newport, in southeast Wales, said in a telephone interview.

“It never did anyone any harm.”

The campaigners argue that the law already protects children from abuse and that the authorities should focus on enforcing those laws instead of wasting time on trivial cases and criminalizing “good parents.”

“Every child is different and needs different types of discipline,” Mrs. Robins argued, adding that such decisions should be made by the parent and not the government.

But Welsh government officials say physical punishment is outdated and ineffective, and can have negative long-term effects.

“If there is any potential risk of harm to a child, then it is our obligation as a government to take action,” Mr. Irranca-Davies said.

Sarah Lewis, a nanny of two children in the Welsh capital, Cardiff, said a ban was crucial to protect children because every parent or guardian had a different understanding of what “reasonable” punishment meant.

“I’ve seen parents publicly beat their children when they are misbehaving. and it’s outright abusive and damaging,” Mrs. Lewis said. “You can discipline a child without smacking them.”

Britain’s leading children’s charity, the N.S.P.C.C., welcomed Wales’s move.

The charity has long campaigned for children to have the same protection against assault as adults, an N.S.P.C.C. spokesman said, describing it as “a  common-sense move, which is about fairness and equality for children.”

Mr. Irranca-Davies said the consultation would help the government address concerns as the legislation develops.

 

Categories
Parenting

Is Permissive Parenting Bad

Permissive Parenting Style

There are two main words that describe the permissive parenting style.

These words are non-directive and indulgent.

Most permissive parents end up regretting their parenting choice as their child grows older.

These parents believe that their main goal as parents is to make sure that their child feels loved.

This should be done above all else and often means that permissive parents forego discipline in favor of showing their child love.

Rather than being parents to their child, the permissive parenting style teaches parents to be friends.

This does allow them to have close relationships with their child and their children do know that their parents love them.

One of the biggest mistakes that permissive parents make is that they do not make their children adhere to rules.

Instead of making their child do something they will ask, and then they will reward their child.

Sometimes they might even find themselves bribing their child because they have no other way to get them to do what they want.

Signs of Permissive Parenting

• The parent always responds to their child even when their child is interrupting or doing something inappropriate for attention.
• The parent does not make any demands on their child.
• The parent always accepts their child.
• The parent does not require their child to be responsible for anything.
• The parent accepts their child’s natural impulses.
• The parent does not say no.
• The parent sets no boundaries.
• The parent does not make restrictions on things.
• The parent does not set goals for their child.
• The parent allows the child to control their behavior.

How the Child of a Permissive Parent Develops

• Children are often impulsive.
• Children often have issues with aggression.
• Children lack the independence that they need to survive.
• Children often change who they are to fit in.
• Children do not have a sense of self.
• Children are not self-confident.
• While children are close to parents when they are young, they are often angry with parents when they become adults.
• Adult children blame their parents for their problems.
• Adult children do not know how to accept responsibility for their actions.
• Children never believe that anything is their fault.

What Can You Do to Change

Permissive parents can change. There are some tips to being able to make those changes.

• Start slowly with the expectations.
• Explain why things are changing to your child.
• Reason with your child and explain that there will be consequences.
• Make your child responsible for certain things.
• Start to make your child responsible for their behaviors.
• Do not allow your child to manipulate you or make you feel bad.
• Remind your child that you love them but that you are a parent.
• Define your role as a parent to your child.

While changes will feel impossible in the beginning, over time, they will be natural.

They will help your child to grow into an active and healthy adult who is capable of caring for themselves.

I will briefly discuss some of the results of permissive parenting.

You don’t want your child to grow up to be an adult who needs to get his way all the time, and who gets frustrated when he doesn’t.

To me parenting is mostly about guiding your child into maturity.

You don’t want your child to think that happiness is about getting what you want, or they will just try and get one thing after another.

And we all know that doesn’t lead to happiness You don’t want your child to become an adult who lets people walk all over them.

You show them how to avoid that by not letting them walk all over you.

In a respectful way.

How you interact with your child is the biggest lesson your child gets on how to interact with others.

You want them to grow up to be a mature adult who can have emotions without having a tantrum, or stuffing the feelings deep down only to have them come back out later.

They need practice at not getting their way, and learning to manage the emotions that result from it.

They also need to feel secure, like someone is looking out for them.

They need the security of knowing that if they go too far, you will stop them, for their own good.

If they don’t have that sense, they will be stressed out, scared.

Because they really don’t know where they are going.

They will push you to see if they can get that sense of security until they get it, or until you lose it, and yell at them to stop.

If you want to develop a parenting style that feels natural, and doesn’t include power struggles, or yelling, have a look at my free step by step lessons on becoming a world class parent.

Thanks.

As found on Youtube

 

As found on Youtube

Authoritarian Parenting

 

 

Categories
Parenting

Parents Of Rebellious Teenage Boys

Parenting Troubled Teenage Boys

Finding the help that you need for a troubled teenage boys can be very challenging.

It takes a lot of understanding and knowledge so that you an help your son by getting him the help that he needs.

It can be a real challenge to admit when your teenage son has a problem with something.

You might notice that he is withdrawn and depressed, involved in criminal behavior, or just being overly reckless.

These things can lead to more serious problems in adulthood if they are not dealt with during your son’s teenage years.

Understanding What Behaviors are Normal

Of course before you can determine if you have a troubled teenage son you have to understand what normal teenage behaviors are.

Many times parents do not realize that a behavior change is normal and start to think that their son has a problem that he does not have.

If this happens it can have an opposite effect on the teen and can cause him to turn to inappropriate behaviors that he feels he is already being accused of.

A Look at Teenage Behaviors

It is important that you understand which actions are normal and which ones are a red flag that there is something more going on with your teenager.

Mood Swings

All teens are going to have mood swings because of the hormonal changes that are happening in their life.

Parenting Teenagers: Boys

Your son might have a hard time being able to manage their emotions and could be irritable.

If your teen is constantly sad, has a significant change in his grades, begins having difficulty sleeping, is depressed, suffers from anxiety, or has a major change in their personality than you will want to get them help with how to handle these emotions and feelings.

Changing How They Look

It is normal for your son to want to have a trendy appearance and to have a desire to fit in.

However if you notice an extreme change in weight (gain or loss), evidence of self harm/cutting, problems at school, or negative impact on their life that is accompanying their change in appearance you will want to talk to them to see what else is going on.

Teenage Boys: Alcohol/Drug Use

While all parents want their teenage son to refrain from drinking or using drugs this is not really practical in today’s society.

Most teens have drank or used drugs before they complete high school.

A little experimentation is completely normal.

Signs that there could be a problem include an inability to function without drugs or alcohol, criminal behavior to support their habit, or having social problems that they did not have before.

Teenage Boys: Arguing and Acting Out

You are going to fight with your teenage son.

If you hear someone say that they never fight with their teenage son, you can assume that they are lying to you because this is not normal.

Teens are beginning to get a taste for their independence which means that they are not always going to agree with you. It does not become a problem until they are skipping school, having legal issues, becoming violent or aggressive, or getting into fights.

Teenage Boys: Friends are the Main Influence

It is also common for you to lose your place as the influence of your child’s behavior when they are a teenager.

Teenage Boys:

This is especially true for teenage sons.

Your teenage aged boy is going to withdrawal from you and your relationship will change normally when they are seeking to find approval from their peers.

If your child is willing to do negative things to fit in with a new group of friends, is getting into trouble, or is starting to have trouble in school you should be concerned.

Understanding what is normal behavior for your teen can help you to determine if your son has a problem and if you need some additional help for these challenges.

 

Even at a young age,  Rivers was always acting out in school  and getting in trouble.

He flooded his art class  by plugging up the sink  and one time  he cut a kids backpack open and all the books came out.

He drew a racist cartoon, sent to the office  and got suspended.

He was always a bully. Rivers has always been defiant and even then, Angie and Hunter  wouldn’t discipline him.

He behaves this way with you two for a couple of reasons.

One, you trigger it. And number two, he knows it works.

He can get away, he can grab your wrist and twist , wrestle your phone out  of your hand,  call you a bitch and slam the door and he knows there’s not one consequence  gonna come form it, true?

True.

He doesn’t go to school and he gets  to play video games all day.

We agree, but we feel like,  having the cops come  and put him in the back of the cop car  and get him to school  and he wouldn’t to school  so we put him in a psychiatric hospital and we’ve had him on medication and counseling.

Is it just me?

No, Rivers controls them with, when they would call the police to come get him to take him to school  Rivers figured out  real quick that if he started using the catch phrase, “I’ll run away,” well then the phone calls to the police stopped.

Now he realizes “I’ll run away” doesn’t, you know,  he is up to “I’ll kill myself.”

And so he knows to up  the ante– He’s elevated  the threat.

To threaten them to maintain control.

I don’t know that it’s appropriate to fight  the war against the war against mental illness with the same quiver of arrows that you do  a normal child.

I think there’s certainly behavioral dysfunction  but I don’t know that there’s mental illness here.

All signs point to no  from my stand point, but I don’t that– I’m happy to know that.

I haven’t diagnosed him yet.

But I see no indication whatsoever  of mental illness here.

What I see here is a spoiled brat kid who gets rewarded for bad behavior,  that’s what I know.

Now there may be mental  illness on top of that, (audience applauding)  there may be mental illness on top of that  and that has yet to be determined, but He’s had psychological evaluations  at all the hospitals and they’ve all said the same things.

No matter what I’m saying  to the two of you, you’re saying yeah but.

I’m saying look he’s not going  to school and he gets to stay home and play video games.

Yeah but, I mean we call the police and they say he’s not a criminal so we just got to let him  play the video games.

Really?

I say look you’re rewarding bad behavior  when he gets away with calling  you names and twisting your wrist yeah but, I mean he’s bigger than me.

Yeah but, yeah but, yeah but,  no matter what I say you’re saying yeah but.

He calls you names.

He attacks you physically.

He’s disrespectful.

He does not perform and you’re allowing that to happen.

True or false?

True. True.

And his behavior is situation specific.

It happens when  there are folks requiring him  to do something he doesn’t want to do.

Yes.

It’s either teachers or parents.

He has a very immature level of problem solving and problem recognition.

He’s very immature right now  and you’re rewarding immature behavior.

True or false.

That’s true. True.

Okay, thank you.

Ha.

(audience applauding)  Now, what you should be thinking  right now is okay baldy  so what do we do instead.

Okay now he had a seizure when he was one?

He was two.

Two. Febrile seizure yeah.

Scared the bee geebers out of you?

Yes. I carried my son Jay into the operating room at four weeks old.

I carried him in.

I was on staff at the hospital and he had to have emergency surgery.

Scared me to death.

Scared his mother, she ain’t over it yet.

Yes, it was horrible.

And you can remember me carrying  him in there right this second, can you not?

Yes, he had been crying so hard to put that IV in.

He was just so tiny and when you were walking down the hall  I could see his little head,  just still crying and shaking.

I do understand and it makes you handle that child  from the beginning differently than you would handle him if that hadn’t happened.

Little differences real early on  become big differences later on.

Your job as a parent is to prepare him for the next level of life.

Yes sir.

And you’re not doing that.

No.

And we need to start doing that..

As found on Youtube Teenage Boys:

Categories
Parenting

Positive Parenting Teenagers

Parenting Teenagers Girl or boy’s

Being a teenage girl is very hard but being their parent is even more difficult.

There are a lot of stress and complications that adolescent girls are faced with today that they would not have had to face in the recent past.

Today’s teenage girls are at very high risk for specific behaviors including self-mutilation, substance abuse, self-harming behaviors, eating disorder, anxiety, and depression.

So many teenagers  do not know how to cope with the issues that they are faced with successfully.

Also, they might feel ashamed or could be afraid of what you are going to think.

So it is essential that parents be able to learn how they are going to parent their teenage daughter even when they feel as though they are locked out, frustrated, or ineffective.

The teenage years are the final years of childhood and a time when your child is going to need you even more. You will need to be supportive, loving, guiding, and understanding during these very trying years with your daughter.

6 Tips to Help You With Parenting Teenage Girls

These six tips can help you when you are trying to be a good parent to a teenage girl.

Understand the Signs of Depression

It is essential that you understand the main signs of depression if you have a teenage daughter.

Parenting Teenagers: Girls

You will want to get immediate help if you see that your daughter is suffering from any of these.

  • The following are the signs of depression:
    sadness that lasts for longer than 14 days
    frequent crying
    being hopeless,
    loss of interest
    always being bored
    isolating herself
    guilt
    low self-esteem
    increase in irritability
    relationship issues
    frequent headaches
    frequent stomach aches
    self-destructive behavior
    thoughts of suicide

Importance of Sun Screen

While it might not sound like that big of a deal, it is essential that you teach your teenage daughter about the importance of sunscreen. Many moms forget to talk to their daughters about this because they grew up hanging out in the sun without sunscreen of their own, so they do not realize what a big deal this is. In fact, today’s teen is more likely to get skin cancer than you are. Statistics has proved that if a teenage girl does not wear sunscreen now and is exposed to the sun frequently, then they are probably going to have skin cancer at some point during their life. The sun and our environment are different then they were when you were a teenager.

Healthy Eating

It is essential your teenage daughter understand the importance of healthy eating. Not only will eating healthy help them manage their weight, but it will also help them to reduce their risk of depression and have improved moods. Getting the right vitamins and nutrients is essential for your daughter to feel her best.

The Importance of Exercise

Most people do not realize how important getting enough exercise is. Not only does exercise help you maintain a physically healthy body but it also helps you to be more mentally healthy.

Teaching your daughter to be physically active from a young age is essential for a lifetime of good health.

Menstrual Issues

It is also essential that you listen to your daughter if she has a lot of complaints about menstruation.

Talk to her about what the issues are and get her medical attention if there are any fears or concerns.

Discussions of Body Art

Many experts agree that a teenage girl might be considering a move to the wild side when she starts talking about body piercings or tattoos.

Teenage girls who do these tend to be more involved in other activities that are not appropriate for their age and are more likely to battle with addiction and substance abuse issues.

Using these simple tips will help you to have a healthier relationship with your daughter for years to come.

Parenting Teenage Boys

Parenting teenage boys can be especially tricky for some reasons.

One of these is that they are naturally going through changes in their body that make them harder to talk to and prevent them from being able to express themselves from time to time appropriately.

Tips for Parenting Success with Teenage Boys

Parenting Teenagers: Boys

Learn to Respect Your Son

It is crucial that you learn to respect that your son is becoming an adult.

He is going to need to make some decisions for himself.

Offer Your Help

Know that you should offer your son help whenever he needs it.

Make sure that he knows that you are always there for him.

When you see that he needs help ask him what he wants you to do rather than sitting down and trying to help in your way.

Manage Your Own Emotions

Watching your child grow up before your eyes are desperate for some parents to handle.

Make sure that you keep your own emotions in check and that you are steady in your efforts to avoid pushing your fears or issues on your son.

Love Him

Loving a teenage son can be tough. Tell him that you love him and share with him that you are proud of him. Do not forget to be open about these feelings.

Live What You Say

When you are talking to your son about something, it is essential that you make these lifestyle choices for yourself.

He is not going to respect you if you are telling him to do what you say and not to do what you do.

Admit Your Faults

You should also make sure that you admit your faults and that you tell them when you are wrong.

Admit to the mistakes that you make and take responsibility for their actions.

Learn to Relax

Relaxing and remaining calm, cool, and collected when you are enraged by a decision that your child has made might feel impossible.

However, if you learn how to do this, you will be able to parent your teenage son better.

Learn to Speak Less

You want to use the fewest number of words when speaking to your son.

Research shows that the more that you talk, the quicker that your son is going to tune you out.

Get Him to Talk

Learn how to ask the questions that are going to get your child talking and sharing things with you.

Look at His Mood

If you notice that your son is moody or seems irritable, then it might not be the right time to talk about something.

Try to talk about difficult issues with your son when he is in a good mood.

Quit Trying to Get the Last Word In

As parents, it can be hard to allow your child to have the last word when you are in the middle of an argument or when you are trying to punish him. Instead of having to have the last word in, learn to walk away.

Refrain From Talking Too Much

When you are talking to your child, it is essential that you stop yourself from repeating things that you have said before. Do not worry; your son has heard you even if he is acting like he did not.

Ask for Permission

If you want to give your teenage son, some advice considers asking him for permission first. While you are not required to do this, it will help your son to look at you differently.

Offer Emotional Support

It is not only vital that you be there for your child physically. It is also essential that you offer him the support of his emotions.

These tips can help you to parent your teenage boys successfully.

Parenting Teenage Sons

One of the most challenging roles for parents to fill is that of parenting a teenage son.

The teenage years are the most crucial for your son.

These are the years that are going to help him be raised into a moral and outstanding citizen or will turn him into someone who is constantly struggling with trying to do what is right.

Many teenage boys who choose poor behavior during these years end up making poor choices throughout adulthood.

While too much responsibility can be the breaking point for a girl during her teenage years, having more responsibility can actually help a teenage boy become a more responsible adult.

This is a crucial stage where parents have to make appropriate decisions in their parenting.

As a parent you must learn how to be accepting and loving of your son.

You must also make sure that your son knows that you are willing to support him.

Challenges for Mothers

Mothers of teenage boys find that communication becomes challenging.

Their once talkative pre-teen son will suddenly become quiet and quit talking to them.

Moms tend to want to talk to their sons but during the challenging teenage years they must learn that less is more.

So moms have to learn how to say as much as possible with the smallest number of words.

Challenges for Fathers

Fathers are going to be their teenage son’s main role model.

This is a tremendous amount of pressure for them.

Your teenage son should be introduced to adulthood through certain rights of passage by his dad.

This is actually something that has been around for centuries and has not been popular recent years.

Studies show that bringing back this trend will help teenage boys become more successful adult men.

Keeping Teen Boys Active

When teenage boys are dealing with excess testosterone it is important that they have an outlet for activity.

Being involved in sports can help them get their aggression out in a positive way.

It is important that teenage boys have a physical outlet for the aggression that are going to be experiencing.

Get Over Your Own Sensitivity

When you are a parent to a teenage son you have to be able to get over any emotional sensitivity that you carry.

Teenage boys are going to be mean and your son is probably going to say something terrible to you at some point.

Learn how to stand tall and not to let this challenge your decisions or expectations of your son.

Know What is Going On

It is a great idea for you to know your son’s friends.  You should also have an awareness of what is going on in his life.

Know the things that he enjoys and be prepared to talk to him about the things that are tough like sex, drugs, and alcohol.

Have Fun

Make sure that everything is not always serious with your teenage son.

Knowing when to have a good time with him and the different things that you two can enjoy together is essential for you to be a successful parent.

Learn to Laugh

It is important that you frequently laugh with your son.

Experience laughter as a form of medicine and let your son know when you think that he is being funny.

Be Empathetic

Learn to look at things from your son’s point of view.

Try to understand where he is coming from.

Know When to Fight

Sometimes it is a good idea to walk away from a situation.

Teenage sons are known for trying to argue with their parents.

When something is not a big deal, let it go and walk away instead of fighting with them.

Have Expectations

You must continue to have expectations for your teenage son.

He should have certain responsibilities and should have consequences if he is not following through with these.

Parenting teen boys is tough but is not impossible and these things can help you to have success.

 

As found on Youtube  Parenting Teenagers

Saturday evening, the first half of Sunday could be a changeover to a mix of rain.

We’ll keep an eye on that.

Thanks.

In today’s positive parenting segment, we talk about how to parenting teenagers.

We’re joined by tom Lenihan.

Describe why it is so hard to get along with teenagers.

To say that teenagers at a time of transition and change are an understatement.

There are lots of different kind of changes going on for teenagers as they make their way toward adulthood including physical, psychological, social changes.

It’s a time of real transition and often turmoil for many adolescents.

How does a parent develop a better relationship with their teen?
The first thing to understand is that it is a time of transition and teenagers, like all children, need encouragement and understanding and need to know their parents are there for them.

Starting conversations, not putting too much pressure on them to talk, and finding connections even with everyday teenagers were they can connect.

You have texting, smartphones, facebook, twitter, so many things that disconnect us from each other, and connection is so important, especially with a teenager.

How do you intervene or create a space between technology and the person?
A lot of folks don’t see it this way, but one way to really look at it is that this is youth culture, and youth culture has always been hanging out, but now youth culture takes place online, and a lot of us did not grow up with online culture, so we have a lot to learn as parents.

One approach takes the time to have a conversation about what is going on on the internet.

Take me there.

Sit down with your teenager, say take me there, shall we what is going on.

Is there a standard mistake parent make with social media and their kids?
I think it may be either to take it too much for granted and know that it is there all the time, and you can set limits on phone and tablet use and computer use.

Guidance and discipline — what are the best ways to accomplish those things?

Teenagers need roots.

They need to know their parents are there and the limits are still there, but they also need wings to start to explore their own identity and sense of right and wrong.

the significant rule of thumb is to help them experience the consequence.

Categories
Parenting

How can I stay more patient with my child

Patience – Key to Being a Patient, Parent

All parents feel like they are failing from time to time.

Sometimes when parents feel like they are overwhelmed with the stress of life and have children who are reacting in negative ways, it can be tough for them to be tolerant and having more .

Children are always going to scream and have meltdowns.

There are five things that you can do to be able to be a more patient parent.

All parents are going to lose their patients from time to time.

It can be difficult for them to be able to become more patient overall.

Take a Time Out

Many parents are with their children all of the time.

They end up getting upset, and because they cannot step away and regroup, they are not able to handle themselves patiently.

To be a more patient parent, it is a great idea to learn how to take a timeout.

If your child does something that upsets you, take a minute to walk away and regroup.

During this time you can focus on the things that you are going to do and how you will handle the situation.

It takes 30 minutes to calm yourself about becoming angry so ask your other half to watch the children while you take a bath or sit and read a book for a while.

Learn to Step Back and Count to Ten

When you start to get frustrated, it can be easy to lose all patience.

Instead of allowing that to take over, look at the situation and step back.

Count to ten while you regroup and then go back in and work to find the right solution.

This is going to help you to make sure that you are not reacting to you think through a problem.

It will help you to be more patient and calm with your child.

If your child does not allow for you to count to ten, lock yourself in a bedroom or bathroom for a few moments to regroup.

Learn to Be Patient with Yourself

You are only one person. So there is a good chance that you will fail sometimes.

You are not going to be patient with your child all of the time.

So make sure that you allow yourself to get over the mistakes that you make.

Realize that you are only human and that from time to time you are going to struggle with things.

Step Back and Look at the Bigger Picture

When you have a young child, you have to realize that they do not care if someone thinks negatively of them for screaming in the supermarket.

This means that when your child is crying and acting out that you should look at the bigger picture and realize that the real problem might have nothing to do with you and more to do with your child just showing their frustration. Children cannot be reasonable all of the time and are likely to be unreasonable most of the time.

Practice Being a More Patient Person

While it is hard not to snap when your children are overly demanding or not behaving, you will benefit from practicing being more patient.

Rehearse going through different situations that you will be faced with and practice handling them more patiently.

Doing all of these things will help you to become a more patient parent who is going to benefit both you and your children.

Okay, so today’s question is: Do I have any tips to help you be more patient with your children?

It’s hard to be patient with those little guys, they can be lots of fun, but lots of crazy too.

So, first we got to really think about what is patience, where does it come from.

And, so, generally speaking the ability to be comfortably patient, I’m not talking about patient when you’re just being patient, but when you’re comfortably patient, like, “alright, whatever.”

When you’re chill and you’re patient, it’s because you’re calm on the inside.

And, so, what it really takes is to make sure you are taking care of yourself, to make sure that you are doing what it takes to keep your center, to find your zero on a scale from zero to ten, to really bring yourself back so that your insides are feeling calm and grounded and peaceful.

And I know that’s a little hard to do, especially when it’s chaotic, but at those times it’s the most important to prioritize yourself. I can’t stress that enough.

It’s very important to take care of yourself. And, so, what are some suggestions, one, make sure you’re getting enough sleep, first of all. The idea of being patient is very difficult when you’re exhausted.

I mean we have no inner strength when we’re just shot.

So, it’s really important to try to get as much sleep as you can.

Make sure you’re getting enough sleep ’cause being patient is not gonna be very easy if you’re exhausted.

Number two is meditation, and I know I say it all the time, and I’m gonna keep saying it because I really do believe it’s very important.

Meditation is the practice of centering yourself.

We sit there in meditation and our mind wanders and then we just come back.

And then our mind wanders, and then we come back. And then our mind wanders, and then we come back.

What we’re doing is we’re building the muscle to bring ourselves to our peaceful, centered state.

And, so, when we can build that muscle and those quiet moments, we’re stronger at being able to stay there, when we’re amidst the chaos of our lives.

One, sleep.

Two, meditation.

Three, exercise.

Make sure you’re getting a release, make sure you’re taking care of your body. If you feel gross, it affects everything.

The idea of being centered again and being calm has everything to do with how you feel within.

Okay, number four is gonna be expectations.

You can’t expect more of these kids then is reasonable.

So, if you if you expect them to do things, you’re always gonna be frustrated when they’re not actually living up to the expectations. So it’s really important to keep those expectations in check.

And it’s not just with your kids. It’s with people in life in general. If you have expectations of people are always gonna live up to your standards, you’re always gonna be frustrated and you’re not gonna be patient. It’s important to realize that we’re all human, we all make mistakes, sometime we’re clueless. It’s important to really know that we’re all just bouncing around trying our best, and sometimes we know better, and sometimes we don’t.

And so, lastly, expectations was the last one, and then, lastly is just to remember that you are a role model and kids are going to follow in your footsteps. So, whatever it is that you do, not what you say, is what it is that they’re gonna mimic. So if you’re calm, and you’re cool, and you’re not fearful, and you’re easygoing, they’re going to feel that. It’s all contagious, your feelings are contagious, so the more that you focus on really centering yourself, and grounding yourself, the more that they will be calm, and centered, and grounded too, because, energetically, they’re affected by you, and their energy will shift by being in your presence. So it’s not about what you’re saying, it’s really about who you’re being.

I mean, my mother, God bless her, she meditated for an hour a day. My whole entire life, every day, I knew that, this hour to that hour, mom went to her room, and she sat in her chair and she meditated. And I had no idea what that meant or what that was doing, but I knew the days that she didn’t meditate, ’cause she was a little bit more “ughh” than she usually was, and we would joke with her as kids: “Mom, we think you should go meditate.”

I could probably count on one hand the amount of time she raised her voice to us. So, it really does say something, and then, now I meditate because I watched that, not because she told me to, but because I learned. So it’s very important to realize that you are a role model.

So taking care of yourself, valuing your own well-being, taking care of your exercise, your sleep, your eating, all these things, everything that you do they’re watching.

So be your best self and take care of yourself, because that’s gonna be the best thing you can do for your children.

All right, hopefully that was helpful..

As found on Youtube

Categories
Parenting

Is Parental Alienation Is Present

Parental Alienation Syndrome

Parental alienation syndrome or PAS is a very tragic situation in which one parent can turn a child against the other parent.  This typically happens during a divorce situation.

The parent could be alienating the child from the other parent unconsciously because of their strong feelings about the other parent, or they could be doing it consciously because of their strong beliefs that they have.

PAS occurs when a child starts to have strong feelings towards one of their children because of the things that the other parent says about them.

Usually, this happens when a child’s parents can not get along and have deep feelings of dislike or hatred towards the other parent.

This can be done to be malicious, but sometimes it is done in a way that is not intentional by the other parent.

In fact, it could simply happen because the child feels the tension between the two parents and blames one of the parents for this tension.

This is not a problem that is seen in all parts of the world but instead is a problem that is more commonly associated with the United States.

This is caused by the custodial parent making the child feel sorry about the non-custodial parent.

However, it can occur in the opposite situation as well whereas the non-custodial parent blames the custodial parent for all of the issues.

This happens when one of the parents has an intense hatred towards the other parent for no real reason.

Even if the two parents have a right to hate one another those reasons should not be information that is shared with the child.

The child who is being turned against one of their parents will start to model and display specific behaviors towards the other parent.

These behaviors include a total lack of respect, a disregard for the parent’s feelings, insulting or even abusing the parent.

The child is going to display a series of eight behaviors.  These are as follows:

Behavior # 1 – The child is going to alienate one of their parents and will start to turn that parent into a villain.

He might begin to call that parent abusive or say terrible things to them for no reason at all.

Behavior # 2 – When the parent asks why they are being treated this way by the child, the child is not going to be able to give a good reason for this.  In some cases, the reasoning might even be absurd.

Behavior # 3 – The child is going to be mad at the parent all of the time.  They will even show permanent discord with the parent.

Behavior # 4 – The child is going to feel as though they made all of these decisions about the aligned parent themselves.

They might even share stories of events that happened to them that are untrue, but the child is convinced that they are correct.

Behavior # 5 – The child is going to be overly supportive of the parent that is alienating the other parent.

They might even idolize this parent and claim that this parent is perfect rather than admitting to this parent’s problems or faults.

Behavior # 6 – The child will not feel sorry about how they treat the parent that they are alienating.

Behavior # 7 – The child is going to portray the feelings of the parent that is alienating the other parent.

They are going to have opinions of events and things that they should not even have knowledge of or be worried about.

Behavior # 8 – Also the child is going to have a lot of strong feelings about the alienated parent’s family and friends.

They are going to claim negative things about them all as well.

Regardless of the reasoning that one parent has to feel bad about the other parent, it is essential that the child not know that.

PAS, Parental Alienation, PA, : Hostile, Aggressive, Parenting, HAS Psychological Abuse, Psychological Stress, Brainwashing,

Parental Alienation

Thought Reform, Character Assassination, Transfer of Custody.

What is enmeshment or pathological enmeshment?

Here’s a quote for you: “Pathological enmeshment is where the alienating parent has unhealthy enmeshment with a child to the point where the child has lost his or her own individuality” – by Stephen G Miller.

It’s all about boundaries, and this is not every case, but for a lot of you, about the lack of boundaries is so severe it becomes a case of enmeshment.

Enmeshment is where the parent tries to strip the individuality of the child and make him or her they’re equal. It frequently happens when your ex is lonely, and they don’t have a new love in their life a new boyfriend a girlfriend, so they inappropriately put your child in an equal role– an equal adult role.

They will tell them everything… they’ll say to them inappropriate adult subject matters, they’ll talk about you in very graphic terms almost like they’re talking to their best friend. This lack of boundaries spills over, and sometimes it even leads to what’s called “emotional incest.”

-we won’t get into that, but you can figure out what that is by the title of it.

So they don’t want the child to be independent, they want your child to be an automaton and just an automatic equal to them, and it spills they try to spill all of their emotional garbage into your child’s brain and try to get sympathy; and basically try to make them equal and intertwined like this.

And one day if your child rebels, well hell will hath no fury because that alienation will try to guilt the child into allegiance.

This happens all the time in cases like this, so enmeshment is an awful form of child abuse.

What I’ve read, and what the professionals say, is that the effects of this on the child are not very good– frequently depression, alcohol abuse, a lack of boundaries on the child’s end, if that makes any sense.

So the child is primarily being taught no boundaries well they have no limits in their own life, and it leads to everything from depression to alcohol abuse and a whole host of other problems. So it might not be going on your case, but for those of you that is, I implore you to Google the word enmeshment, pathological enmeshment, psychological enmeshment, and emotional enmeshment to get more information on that.

But I just wanted to give you a quick primer and see if maybe this is affecting you– it did in my case and but again there’s hope for you, it can be overcome.

I did overcome it with my son, we have an excellent relationship today.

Hello, my name is Cassandra Pillonel, and I’m an attorney with the Austin, Texas offices of Cordell & Cordell.

I’m going to speak to you today about parental alienation and what you can do to recognize the signs of parental alienation and prepare your case to speak to a judge about parental alienation issues.

Parental alienation is becoming a very serious problem, and it’s more and more recognized by the courts.

Courts are taking action to help correct and remediation issues of parental alienation, but it’s important for parents to also recognize symptoms, so that they can present those to the court. So, it may be helpful for you to look out and talk to your attorney about some of the contributions of the alienating parent.

For instance, does the alienating parent fail to pass on letters or phone messages from the other parent?

Does the alienating parent strongly support a child’s right to make their own decisions about visiting the other parent?

Does the alienating parent strongly denigrate the other parent? Does that parent do so within the child’s presence?

Does that parent also encourage the child to denigrate the other parent?

Does the alienating parent tell the child stories about the other parents’ lack of love or lack of care, or does the alienating parent harbor deep distrust or fear of the other parent?

Remember, this is not an exhaustive list. There may be other issues that exist in your case, but this is at least a starting point from which to begin a conversation with your attorney about alienation.

Also, are you observing changes in your child’s behavior?

Are you observing those changes both before and after a period of possession?

Is your child acting fearful?

Is your child having nightmares?

Is your child behaving in a paranoid manner.

Is your child exhibiting some other stress symptoms, for example is your child suddenly bedding wetting?

Is your child suddenly sharing with you details about the divorce, about child support, or possession orders, things that the child shouldn’t have knowledge of?

Again, this is not an exhaustive list of what children undergo when they’re victim of alienation, but it is a a good starting point which to have a conversation with your attorney about some of the issues connected with alienation.

If you feel like you’re a victim of it parental alienation, have a talk with your attorney, talk about some of the facts involved.

You may decide that you want an expert involved, or you may decide that this is a matter that’s left for the court to hear.

Either way, it’s very important to bring these matters to your attorneys attention, so that you can address the parental alienation issues now before they get worse.

Thank you for listening to this very brief explanation of what you can do if you believe that you have been a victim parental alienation..

As found on Youtube

Welcome and thank you for joining us. During tonight’s show we will be discussing how to identify some of the early signs of parental alienation.

So what are some of the clues that suggested parent may be the target of an alienating individual?

The children perceive one parent is causing financial problems of the other parent.

The children appear to have knowledge of details relating to the legal aspects of the divorce or separation.

The children shows some negative changing their attitude toward the targeted parent.

The children appear uneasy around target parent they resort to one-word answers and failed to engage openly in conversations as they previously have done.

The children are uncharacteristically rude and or belligerent to target parent.

Access time is not occurring as agreed upon or court ordered visitation is being unilaterally cut back by the other parent. However the hostile aggressive parent may try to schedule visitation access during a time they know would impractical or impossible for the targeted parent to accept.

That is during the targeted parents normal work schedule. They made then tell the child: “See I told you he doesn’t care about you.”

The hostile aggressive parent will also use these instances is quasi exculpatory evidence in the event they face accusations of alienation of affection.

The hostile aggressive parent undermines the other parent or speaks disparagingly about other parent in the presence of the children.

The hostile aggressive parent starts making reference to other apparent as being abusive and a risk to their children with no apparent good reason.

Allowing children to choose whether or not to visit a parent even though the court has not empowered the parent or children to make that choice.

Telling their children about why the marriage failed and giving them the details about the divorce or separation settlement.

Refusing the other apparent access to medical and school records our schedules of extracurricular activities.

Blaming the other apparent for not having enough money, changes in lifestyle or other problems in the children’s prisons.

Rigid enforcement of the visitation schedule for no good reason other than getting back at the other parent.

Asks the children to choose one parent over the other. Reminding the children that their children have good reason to feel angry toward their other parent.

Reopening old wounds preventing the normal healing process from occurring.

Setting up temptations that interfere with visitation.

Giving the children the impression that having a good time on a visit will hurt the parent.

Asking their children about the other parents personal life.

Rescuing their children from the other parent when there is no danger.

Simply put the parents engaging in such behavior are unfit abusive parents putting their own emotional needs before those of their children.

So, how serious is this and what could a parent expect if the child succumbs to the alienation?

In severe cases of parental alienation the child is utterly brainwashed against the targeted parent.

The alienating parent can truthfully say that the child does not want to spend any time with the targeted parent.

Even though the alienating parent has told the child that he has to.

The alienating parent typically responds: “There isn’t anything that I can do about it I told him you’re the only dad he has and he needs to give you a chance.

I’m not telling him that he can’t see you.” Sorry but we are out of time and that concludes tonight’s show.

Categories
Parenting

Parenting Style: Authoritarian Parenting

Influence of Authoritative Parenting Style

The authoritative parenting style is thought to be one of the best choices for many families.

Parenting is tough, and it is hard to know which parenting style is going to be best for a family.

The way that you behave with your child is going to determine how your child is going to behave.

The authoritative parenting style is thought to be the choice that is most rewarding for both parents and children.

Parents who are authoritative are demanding but responsive at the same time.

This helps the child to have a good grasp on balance.

How the Authoritative Parenting Style Affects the Family

The influence of authoritative parenting can offer some positive things for the family.

The Ability to Solve Problems Reasonably
Children who are raised by authoritative parents are taught how to do things independently from a young age.

The child is still expected to follow the rules and has restrictions, but they can experience problem-solving on their own.

The child is well monitored, but they are supposed to work through problems without the parents giving them the answer.

The parents are going to make the final decisions, but they allow children to weigh in with their own opinions.

The best advantage for the children of learning to think for themselves means that peer pressure less tempts them.

Children are Happier
The authoritative parents are going to be involved with the child’s development in all areas.

This approach puts the children in the center of everything.

The parents work to create amazing memories, spend as much time as possible with the children, and put their children first.

The rewards for this type of behavior is that they have very happy children.

Children Understand How to Behave
Since parents talk to their children, the children grow up learning how to communicate effectively.

This leads to them having better social skills and communication.

These children have more tolerance of others, a more profound respect for adults, and can reduce feelings of frustration, anger, and stress.

This emotional balance will happen at a much younger age when a child has authoritative parents, and that means that they behave better when eating in restaurants, going out to places, and in school/classroom settings.

Children Develop Emotionally
Children who have authoritative parents are talked to more and feel like they are heard and understood.

Children are treated with respect and allowed to share their thoughts and feelings.

Parents talk through things with their children which leads to their children having better communication skills.

They also work through their child’s feelings when they are talking to them.

This teaches their child how to handle different situations better emotionally and helps their child understand how they can work through their feelings.

Authoritarian Parenting

Since emotions are looked at by the parents, the child is going to have better development.

Authoritative parenting is a very active parenting method that has outstanding results.

The primary keys to remember when practicing this type of parenting is to be empathetic and put yourself in your child’s shoes.

Ask your child for help in determining certain things but remember not to give up all of your authority to the child.

The child should still be expected to follow the rules and meet expectations.

By giving your child an opinion and nurturing that you will offer them the ability to grow and learn in new ways.

 

Parenting Style Authoritarian Parenting

I’m Dr. Ari Brown, and I’m going to explain what it means to be an authoritarian parent.

In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind studied preschoolers and their families, and identified different parenting styles characterized by parents’ expectations and responsiveness to their children.

Authoritarian parents placed high demands on their children, and believe that parents should have the power in the household.

Authoritarian parents tend to use negative forms of discipline.

They will take away privileges for poor behavior or resort to physical forms of punishment like spanking.

Authoritarian parents often have one-way communications.

They are not terribly responsive to a child’s feelings or opinions.

If a child questions the parent’s rules or approach, a parent might respond, “Because I said so.”

Authoritarian parents have firm rules ad expect those rules to be this way tend to rebel later in life.

As a pediatrician, I can tell you that I do not encourage this type of parenting style, nor do I recommend spanking.

You are your child’s role model, and you want to teach her to use her words, not her hands or her fists when she is frustrated.

It is much more effective to teach your child about the logical or natural consequence for inappropriate behavior than to spank her.

While it is certainly reasonable to expect your child to behave properly, you also wanna give your child a solid foundation that fosters her independence..

As found on Youtube

Categories
Parenting

How to Raise Happy Children

All parents want to have happy children.

Some parents miss the mark on raising happy children, but there is good news.

Raising happy children is not as hard as what you might think and with the following suggestions you can turn your family around today.

Get to Know Your Children
To have happy children it essential that you get to know them. Know who they are, what they want and what they like.

This is going to give you a great chance to have the family that you have always dreamed of.

Have a Positive Attitude
The more positive that you are with your children, the happier that they will be. Focusing on the negative is only going to cause them more stress and will not leave them feeling happy.

Did you realize that parents who are negative around their children are more likely to have aggressive children and that aggression in childhood is linked to assault as an adult?

Know When to Accept a Little Sass
There are many things that you should realize about children if you want them to be happy. Children need to show respect still, but they should be taught how to organize their thoughts in an argument.

Having this skill is critical to avoiding peer pressure and being happier in Jr high and high school.

Learn to Joke A Lot
The more you joke and play around with your kids, the happier that they are going to be.

Research shows that parents who are always joking with their children have much more content children.

Walk Away From Perfection
One of the things that you have to do is learn that no one is perfect. Perfection is just not possible and the sooner that you learn this, the sooner that you can move on to raising happy children. Learn that your child is going to make mistakes and that there is no way for them to be perfect. If you expect perfection, you will only wind up disappointed and have children who are not happy.

Work to Have a Healthy Marriage
Statistics prove that parents who have a healthy marriage have happier children. If you are divorced and want happy children, then it is essential that you get along and that neither one of you are talking bad about the other parent in front of your child.

Teach Your Child to Love Himself/Herself
It is so important that you teach your child about the importance of loving themselves. This is so that they can have a high level of self-esteem which matters if you want to have a happy child.

Let Go of Things
Although it can be tough to let go of things when your children are misbehaving, it is your best chance for having a happy child. Learning to let can take some time and requires you to put forth some effort, but it is something that you can do if you try.

Make Sure that You Take Care of Yourself
To have the happiest children, you need to make sure that you are happy as well. Taking care of your mental health and making sure that you get treatment as soon as symptoms start for things like depression are going to help you to raise happier children.

If You Are Mom to a Son
There is a lot of research that shows that sons who are close to their mothers are less likely to act out.

This information was published in the Journal of Child Development in 2010.
There is also information to show that how a child can treat their mother is going to reflect how they behave in their future relationships.

Thank you all for coming here today and for taking an hour of your busy schedules. Reality is five years ago, I would have never wasted an hour of my time attending a parenting presentation because I parented the way my parents did, quite strict.

But I thought I turned out OK, so why would I do things differently.

Until one day an event at home actually made me really wonder if I was doing things right.

So it was a Saturday. My four and a half year old daughter, Noor, was serving herself some salad.

She dropped a salad leaf on the table. I just asked nicely, oh, Noor, could you please pick this up. She ignored me. I said Noor, you dropped a salad leaf, please pick it up. She ignored me. Then I used my default method at the time, my technique to get my children to do things which was counting to three.

Anyone else count to three?

Show of hands?

Usually about 90% so the rest are probably– And I went OK, Noor, I’m counting to three.

I said one. Ignored me.

I said two. Ignored me again.

I went, Noor, you don’t want me to get to three, do you?

Two and a half.

Two and three-quarters.

And then I got to three.

And the reality is I had no idea what I was going to do. The only thing I knew was my authority was based on that and the fear of getting to three.

And it used to work so well and suddenly it didn’t. Unfortunately I did not react the best way possible. I actually started screaming and shouting. And I pulled her up, put her in her room. Lecturing her, how dare you let me get to three. Do you realize what that means? But I realized that day that actually my whole authority was based out of the fear that my children had. And they were doing this out of fear so I was really managing my fear.

And that’s what I’m going to talk to you about today and how much parallels there are between leadership skills and parenting skills. So the outline for today is actually explain to you how I learned that parenting skills can be improved. Then I’m going to talk to you about what parenting and leadership have in common. Then we’re going to actually work together on defining what the key leadership skills are. And finally, I’ll show you how to apply some of these workplace skills at home. So I’ll share with you five very effective tools to replace the typical basically, well, the one, two, three, the parenting by fear or parenting by rewards actually, because it’s the carrot and stick approach. My objective here today is really to give you alternatives to the carrot and stick approach that are so ingrained in our culture. Because it’s all about usually rewards, punishment, threats, and management basically by fear or rewards. So hopefully you’ll leave here with an alternative to that. So how did it all start? Well, I already explained, I was a stricter parent.

And my wife was actually a lot more, let’s say, lenient. I sometimes say permissive although she doesn’t like it. And so that’s how our daily interactions look like. And the problem is actually the more, the harsher I was and the kinder she was. So I had, I had clearly had the bad cop role, she had the good cop role. Anyone else experience this at home?

Yeah, about 60%. Well, actually it’s– the research shows that it’s 75% of parents argue about how to parent.

And more than 50% of these arguments are about how to discipline children.

So that’s what we experience on a daily basis. And it was, I mean it almost got to break point, particularly after the incident, the salad leaf incident that I mentioned.

And thankfully, my wife reacted very well to that. And she actually started looking for things she could do better. So she stopped blaming me for being the strict parent and the harsher parent. And she started looking at ways she could improve. And she actually started proving to me that she could get obedience and respect without having to shout and punish.

And that’s finally, she had– I was listening. So instead of just telling me oh, here’s this parenting book you should read. And I’d tell her oh, please give me an exact summary and show me how it works. I don’t have time for this. Well, finally she actually did it. And she showed me that– so she became, she actually set better limits. She became more consistent.

And it really changed the whole family dynamic. And so I became interested in and I became softer. And so I started looking at the research, becoming interested in the subject. And I realized how much parallels there were between leadership and parenting.

And actually that parenting skills, like leadership skills can be learned and can be honed. And that’s what I’m going to talk to you about today. So first, let’s start with leadership.

Obviously there are so many definitions, so I picked one that’s actually quite broad, but I think really shows what we want to do with our children. It’s from Dwight Eisenhower and it says, leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something we want done because they want to do it. Isn’t that what we are trying to achieve on a daily basis with our children? Wouldn’t it be great if we had tools to actually get them to do things because they want to do it, not because we’re telling them over and over again, you’ve got to do this.

Please do this, do that, et cetera, giving them orders all day long. Well, so that’s very much, actually leadership and parenting have a lot of parallels. And what they have in common, I really like this quote from Simon Sinek, who you probably know, author of “Start With Why”, it’s “Great leaders are able to inspire people to act.

Those who are able to inspire give people a sense of purpose or belonging that has little to do with any external incentive or benefit to be gained.” If you replace the word leaders with parents, here. So great parents are able to inspire the children to act. Those who are able to inspire give children a sense of purpose of belonging that has little to do with any external incentive or benefit to be gained. And this is really very much, that’s exactly what we were saying about moving from the carrot and stick approach to the inspiring and leading by example.

Another great quote from Jack Welch, former CEO of GE is “before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself.

When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.” Again, if you replace the word leaders with parents here, is before you are a parent, success is all about growing yourself. But when you become a parent, success is really about growing your children.

So the last quotes I’m going to show you are about why leadership is actually here, in this sense, is different from management. So because I spoke about management by fear and that’s exactly, we want to replace it with leadership. And so management is about arranging and telling, while leadership is about nurturing and enhancing. And as Klaus Balkenhol, Olympic champion said, “there is a difference between being a leader and being a boss.

Both are based on authority. A boss demands blind obedience, while a leader earns his authority through understanding and trust.” So why don’t we give a go at actually defining what the key leadership skills. What have you experienced, either as a manager– and actually something that’s worked really well for you in inspiring your teams. Or if you’ve been basically, you’ve had managers and leaders who have really inspired you, what are the key things that they’ve done well that you remember? AUDIENCE: Great communication.

Great communication.

You can shoot, I can do several things at the same time.

Being emphatic.

NADIM SAAD: Empathetic.

AUDIENCE: Having a plan.

NADIM SAAD: Sorry?

AUDIENCE: Having a plan.

NADIM SAAD: Having a plan. Right.

AUDIENCE: They show you. So they’re an example of what they’re asking.

NADIM SAAD: Can I call this leading by example?

Yeah. AUDIENCE: They listen.

NADIM SAAD: Listening, empathy, empathetic listening.

Yeah, it’s a different– actually if you don’t mind, I’ll later put this into emotional intelligence.

Empathetic listening are very much about being– yes?

AUDIENCE: Stay calm during crisis.

NADIM SAAD: Stay calm during crisis. Anything else that comes to mind?

AUDIENCE: They know when to delegate.

NADIM SAAD: Delegation. So–

AUDIENCE: They’re inspirational.

NADIM SAAD: Inspirational.

AUDIENCE: Having a purpose or vision.

NADIM SAAD: Vision and purpose.

AUDIENCE: Have fun.

NADIM SAAD: Sorry, I didn’t hear that.

AUDIENCE: Have fun.

NADIM SAAD: Have, fun, OK.

OK, fun, can I also say positive attitude in there?

AUDIENCE: They serve as your advocate.

NADIM SAAD: Sorry, I have space for two more.

AUDIENCE: They serve as your advocate.

NADIM SAAD: They’re–

AUDIENCE: Serves as an advocate.

NADIM SAAD: Serve?

AUDIENCE: As an advocate.

NADIM SAAD: Advocate, they– sorry.

AUDIENCE: They advocate for their team.

NADIM SAAD: They advocate for their team, yeah.

AUDIENCE: A safe place to fail.

NADIM SAAD: And I heard safe place to fail. Yes, very good.

AUDIENCE: And also that [INAUDIBLE].

NADIM SAAD: Well, I absolutely love doing this exercise every time. This is a great list. And you’ll see, no surprise, I’ll have my list at the end.

It’s the same. So thank you very much. And actually I’m going to hopefully show you five tools, well, not hopefully. I’m going to show you five tools that use all of these skills and how to find them at home.

So the first one is about strategy and anticipating issues.

I’d like to share with you a story of, so we had just moved home. I had a six-year-old and a four-year-old at that time. And they were arriving half an hour late for breakfast, which meant no breakfast. We didn’t have time so we had to just rush to school.

So I sat them with, sat down with them on Sunday. And I asked my six-year-old, Noor, how long do you need to get dressed in the morning? She answered, two minutes. I said, OK, so you’re actually currently taking half an hour for something you could do in two minutes.

OK, so what can you do differently? And she actually came up with the idea that why don’t we write down timings so that we actually know what time we should be going down. I said that’s a great idea. Let’s do it. It was actually a two hour, in the end, a two hour activity where the kids, I took photos of the kids as they were doing the different activities. So making their bed, brushing their teeth, their hair, getting dressed. And then we put it in order.

They actually ordered the way they wanted. And we put timings, they didn’t really have a sense of time, particularly four-year-old at the time.

But I helped them with that. Turned out actually to be one of the best things we’ve ever done. Because the next day, they arrived half an hour earlier than usual.

We had lots of time to have breakfast and have lots of fun. Anyone actually already uses routines? Creates a routine? Yeah. Yeah, kind of. About 20% to 25%.

Do you involve your children in doing in creating this routine?

Yeah. Quite, some yes, some no. Well, it’s very much, it is very much valuable. And so the idea of creating routines is really steps and schedule to make them the boss. So with younger children as I just used, you can have photos of these different steps and I’ll ask them to reorder them as they want. With older children, agree on a schedule with them.

What’s important about this is really about using this as– so the routine becomes the boss as in, what are you supposed to do now, instead of oh, you still didn’t brush your teeth. What have you put in your schedule? What have you put in your routine? And automatically it gives an ownership and empowerment to the children to want to do things.

And so it removes a lot of the resistance that we experience in the morning. The other one about being strategic is redesign agreement’s is realizing where are our key issues. And often, it’s going to be a supermarket or when we go to a friend’s house, you know.

And it’s all about agreeing with your children what’s OK with you, so clarifying expectations at any age.

So for younger children, for example, you can use what we call an “I” message. I take children to the supermarket who will listen to me, who will not be trying to buy everything on the shelf or take it or touching everything on the shelves and et cetera, what works for you. And ideally you involve them. So you say for example, you will help me put things that are on your list, list of your things.

So there are usually actually very good supermarkets in doing this and putting them at the right height. And also for example, I’m willing to buy you one thing under two, three pounds, whatever works for you. Just having this expectation, having clarified this, and if you want role play. Role play is great for example for when you go to your friend’s house.

And you instead of going oh, say hello, say goodbye, say thank you. I mean how often do we repeat these things to our children? Well, the reality is instead if we role play and ask them so granny is going to say hello, what are you going to say? Oh, hello. OK, she’s going to give you a piece of cake. What do you need to do? Oh, I’ll say thank you. Just going through that with them, when I’m talking here about younger children, will enable them to get it in their long term memory. And you’ll be a lot surer that they actually do this regularly rather than you having to repeat it to them all the time. So that’s about being more strategic. Effective communication, obviously great communication is so important. And reality is often it’s not all about what we say but how we say it.

So can you try and guess how many orders and commands a child gets every hour on average? Is it 5 to 10, 10 to 20, 20 to 30, 30 to 40? Any guesses? AUIDENCE: I would say 20. AUDIENCE: 30 to 40. NADIM SAAD: 30 to 40. 40. Wow, first time I guessed the exact– it’s actually 34.

Very good.

So it’s 34 orders.

How would it go down with you if you’re actually, your boss gave you 34 orders every hour?

Yeah, you can imagine. So it actually explains very well the resistance they have from the age of two, three. I mean they’ve received so many orders through their childhood and so many no’s that is pretty normal for them to react like this.

So what are the alternatives? What is great communication with children? It is actually trying to replace at least 90% of these orders with first [INAUDIBLE] of all questions.

So think about actually is this new information. So every time you say something to your child, it’s like is this new information? Do you think that 90%, about 90% will probably be new, you know, old information?

And so instead of repeating yourself, ask them, what are you– so the same with creative [INAUDIBLE], you know, what are you supposed to do now?

What do we do when we come out, you know, when before we leave after we come back from whatever your rules are, they know them.

So put them in thinking mode a lot more and they’ll actually be a lot less resistant. Question works also very well when they make a mistake. What are you going to do now? Because usually we tell them or take them out.

For example, they spill something. Take them up, do this, do that, because we’re quite annoyed. Well actually, giving them the opportunity to correct their mistake and have a safe place to fail, you know, is essential.

And so that’s what is really replacing our orders with so asking questions. The other one, which is also questions is limited choices. Anyone uses limited choices? So it’s not like, oh, what do you want for breakfast this morning? And then you never get an answer. Or you reflect because it creates anxiety. It’s actually much better to say would you like porridge or cereals? Would you like juice or milk? So all limited choices actually keep our children in thinking mode and removes a lot of the resistance that we experience. And I’m talking at any age.

You know, we just think oh, they’re old enough. Come on why am I going to give them choices?

Well actually, 10-year-olds, 12-year-olds, they prefer choices to hey, you didn’t do that or you forgot to do this.

The other way about effective communication is actually reducing the use of no. No is actually one of the most dangerous words in the world.

Research shows that it reduces the motivation.

It affects us actually physically. And it’s a word that we repeat so often. Often actually we start our sentences with no when we want to say yes.

So I challenge you to try and start most of your sentences with yes, at home and at work by the way. And it’s yes, and if it doesn’t work for you, it’s yes and we can do this later.

For example, I want an ice cream. Yes, sure, you can have it at the weekend. That’s our rule at home. Yes, yes, yes, but redirect.

You’ll see the difference.

Instead of going OK, no, I want one. They’ll go, oh, OK.

Or ask a question. Is it time to have an ice cream?

So really it’s the same tools you use at work to motivate your teams or actually have a good relationship with your colleagues. I challenge you to do more of this at home.

Other big theme, leading by example. And instead of do as I say and not as I do, you know, do as I say and as I do. And as I was doing research, I realized the huge defining moments for me. I realized that I was making it harder for my children to do what I was asking from them. I would often say, stop crying. Calm down. Anyone else? Stop crying.

Calm down. Pretty common. Well actually what the research shows is that when we do this, they are probably already in what we call fight or flight mode.

They’re already in a state where they’re really finding it hard to get out of it. When we raise our voices and we say stop crying, calm down, actually it increases the level of cortisol in their body. Instead of coming back to their prefrontal cortex, this logical part of the brain where we want them to be.

They’re actually in their primitive brain, where we also called the chimp in some management books. And so if we actually– I realized that I was making it harder for them to do these things.

While what we should do is actually anticipate a lot of issues as we saw earlier and help them get out. You know, replace the cortisol with oxytocin, with dopamine. So the right hormones to actually be wanting to do things. And so I actually had a big experience when Noor was five and she spoke to me for the first time in an incredibly disrespectful voice. And I just was going to just fly off the wall, I mean I was so angry.

But I realize that we were both in our chimp, in our primitive brain. So I used what I call ABC.

So A for acknowledge my feelings, I’m very angry.

B for breathe.

And C for choice.

And actually I made the choice to remove myself from the situation rather than lecture her and scold her right there and then.

And as I gave myself some time I realized that she spoke in exactly the same way as I had been doing for the last few years. And the problem is actually they’ve got deferred memory.

So it only came out at five. So for the ones who have younger children, hopefully you can still correct things so that you don’t end up having children actually speak to you in exactly the same way you speak to them.

And obviously it’s not respectful, you can’t speak to another like this. But ideally we should be leading by example. And obviously that applies, it’s easy to apply this to stricter parents and parents who get angry. But I also want to share with you a story of a couple who seemed like the absolutely most amazing perfect parents.

And they had a daughter called Lisa.

And they simply adored her and they decided to give her unconditional love. So as she was brought up, they’d take her everywhere with them.

Until the age of two, they didn’t even take a night out together. And so when she turned two, they decided to book a babysitter. And they told Lisa, oh, we booked a babysitter.

We really wanted this night out.

She threw a tantrum.

They canceled the babysitter. Then Lisa turned out to be this lovely girl. She grew up to– always very generous like giving her lunch whenever someone else didn’t have lunch, always being responsible for brownies at parties. But unfortunately when she turned 14, she became angry, resentful and her parents could not understand. And so they kept telling her but we sacrificed everything for you, how can you treat us like this. So they went to see a psychiatrist, friend of theirs. They told the story. And he said, well unfortunately you trained her that way.

What do you mean?

We did everything, we’ve been so nice and– what do you mean we train her that way? He told them well, unfortunately actions speak louder than words.

And what you’ve modeled is actually that your needs were not so important. And her needs– you didn’t model how to say no. You didn’t actually develop her frustration and disappointment muscle. So what’s happening to her is simply that she cannot cope. She does not have the coping mechanism of emotions to manage her emotions.

And so that was a huge realization for my wife, who actually tended to be more like this.

And so you can see that from both sides of the spectrum. So leading by example is really about actions that speak louder than words.

So how could you implement this on a daily basis? For example, if you want your children to be grateful, you can actually show gratitude. If you want them to be– so for example, if you want them to know how to fail and how to accept mistakes, you can share your mistakes. We do that during our dinners when we manage to have dinner together. We share the mistakes we made and what we learned from them.

Because we realized that our children were starting to be perfectionists, which is actually very common nowadays.

So you can implement, you can really lead by example and bring these things into your daily lives. So hopefully you won’t have, you will have good followers. So I want to actually ask you, I’m sure that you have regular meetings, interim meetings at work.

Surely that’s quite regular and common. So what are actually the goals and objectives of these meetings?

Or why do you have internal meetings?

Can you give me ideas?

AUDIENCE: We talk through what’s happening.

NADIM SAAD: So talk through. So basically you’re discussing–

AUDIENCE: Like the agenda.

NADIM SAAD: Yeah, agenda. Sure. So we’re basically, we’re kind of planning, [INAUDIBLE] for a weekend planning.

Anything else?

AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE] .

NADIM SAAD: Assess performance.

Does that actually happen on a weekly basis?

Anything else?

AUDIENCE: To reach agreements.

NADIM SAAD: Reach agreements. So negotiate?

Yeah, so negotiate.

Would it be solve solutions and negotiate to agree on solutions to problems or just negotiate?

OK.

AUDIENCE: Highlight problems.

NADIM SAAD: Highlight problems.

AUDIENCE: Praise and recognition.

NADIM SAAD: Praise and recognition.

Yes, so can I add to this that it would be motivating maybe as well?

So you get the motivation to– get recognition to motivate.

AUDIENCE: Setting expectations.

NADIM SAAD: Set expectations. OK. I’ll– one last one.

AUDIENCE: Strengthen relationships.

NADIM SAAD: Strengthen relationship, yeah, bonding, strengthen relationships. Great, and I like that we finished on that.

Because when you see this list, can you see how it would be useful to have this at home as well. Bonding, set expectations, praise and recognition, highlight problems, and address them, obviously problem solving, reach agreements. So now I have a question for you is how many of you have regular family meetings on a weekly basis?

Great question.

Meals do not count.

It’s usually 5%.

Come on, tell me someone has a regular meeting.

Once a week?

No.

OK, well this is really the most important tool in the book. So thanks for being honest. And family meetings are actually run very much like a business meeting. They’ve got– and for doing it once a week because what you don’t want is actually for children to think that you’re only doing them when there’s a big problem.

Because otherwise they become reluctant to do them while the idea is to have a real motivation to do them because it is a real bonding experience. So elect a chairperson and a secretary. The reason for this is because if you don’t, then they can go completely– you need someone to manage. But the secretary is really important, and actually children from the age of five, six, love to take the secretary and actually just write the minutes down.

And agenda, of course, we need agenda. And actually on the agenda, we start with compliments and gratitude.

So for example, our five-year-old daughters told our three-year-old daughter at some point, Yasmin, thank you for biting me less this week. And that actually came from a previous family meeting the week before where we gave Yasmin ideas on how she could bite less. So it had worked quite well.

What each family member is proud of, that’s actually something that at seven, our daughter said oh, can I talk to myself. I’m grateful for actually having finished “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and reading so much better. We said, oh, so you’re proud of this.

Yeah, sure, of course you can be proud of yourself.

And actually it’s a great moment to show what we’re proud of as adults and to lead by example.

And for our children to know how to focus on the positives and not just the negatives.

Yeah?

AUDIENCE: Personal related like as in only family related? Or would you talk about work [INAUDIBLE]?

NADIM SAAD: So it is only, so the question is about whether it’s work or family related.

It’s actually family related. There’s already so much to talk about on a weekly basis or even if you do it bi-weekly, it’s really, it’s really effective. It completely changes the family dynamic. So the next step, which is really the one that every parent wants to get to is the needs, problem solving.

Let’s actually address all the issues we have. So the way we did it, so it was– so the girls already had an idea of what a family meeting was. And that day we asked them what their needs were. So that’s what’s so important is actually for children to feel that they also have their needs met.

They’ll start probably with oh, I want to go to Disneyland Paris and they want to do this and that. We tell them oh, sure, we’ll put this on the agenda for the future.

But right now do you have any needs? So my four-year-old daughter said daddy, I’d like you to shout less. I was going to go, but I’m really shouting so much less. Don’t you see the efforts I’m making. I mean you should– come on. And then I was going to go, well you make me shout. I stopped myself in my tracks and I said, oh, you want me to shout less.

Well, I’d love to do that actually and I promise I’m going to make a conscious effort. But so why don’t we actually as a family think about what we could do to have less screaming or generally because there is quite a bit of shouting in the family. So we brainstorm and actually realize that a lot of shouting happened in the morning. Because, you know, this great routine that we created.

The problem is now they had half an hour to have all the time to– for breakfast and fun. Well, we still ended up being late for school because then by the time we told them OK, now it’s time to get ready, to get– finalize the dressing so we can get out the door.

It take 15 minutes instead of the 2 or 3 that it should take. So we brainstorm ideas. And actually I said you could actually wake up earlier so you’d have to go to sleep earlier. They said no, no that doesn’t work because we wouldn’t see then. You come back late from work. So no, no. Let’s try something else. So they actually came up with a simple idea, just remind us by singing. So unfortunately I had to sing, “Let us go. Let us go.” it was a big “Frozen” mania. And so I said, really you want me to do this, I hate singing.

OK.

OK, I’ll do that. Next morning, I went, “Let us go. Let us go.” They put their skates on, they were like two minutes.

They were ready at the door. I was like, wow, that looks like magic.

Well the reality is it’s because they found the solution, because they agreed on this.

Whether, I mean we also use now, thankfully they don’t ask me to sing too much.

But they asked me for example to use respect. So if– or rewind. So if they’ve done something that they’re not supposed to do, instead of immediately lecture them.

They have an opportunity by saying rewind. For example, they have an opportunity to do it better. And this is the amazing way for them to acknowledge their mistake and to actually practice doing things better. So and that all came out of our family meetings and our problem solving sessions.

So in summary, the way to do a problem solving session is you say, what can we do about it. Then you generate possible alternate solution together.

Ideally you find more than one solution so they can really, you can get buy in. You know how at work, if just someone comes up with a solution and you just get on, you just think I’m sure there was a better idea. And so ideally you find two or three solutions and all agree on what the best one is.

And after each option you should ask, how would that work for you to really empower your children to choose the best option. So you will decide together on the best acceptable solution.

And finally, we ask them how would you like to be reminded. So in they’re– in this case, they wanted to be reminded with the singing or with a word like respect or rewind.

And then finally, I would suggest particularly with older children to ask them what the consequence would be if they don’t end up complying. You know, you do tell them. Look, I totally trust that we’ve done this together and you’ve agreed so you’re going to do it. But sometimes, you know, we slip in life, it happens.

And so if you agree on a consequence, and in this case, actually the agreement was in the case of what I– the story I just told you, was that they would have to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier. So it wasn’t, it’s not a punishment, it’s not a– it’s just a simple natural logical consequence of their actions.

And the more you do this, the more they actually start realizing that it’s not about punishment.

And it’s just that in life, you just have normal consequences to your actions.

And so that’s a great way to achieve this. So how do you create a shared purpose?

Actually is the final point is you also either do a problem solving session or you do what we call I mean you try and instill a family culture.

The reality is company culture happens whether we want it to or not.

And actually as you know we spend, I mean the company spends so much money on making sure that the culture is communicated, that we all are aware of it. Well, in our family lives, unfortunately often we don’t realize that we are creating a culture whether we want it or not.

So my intention here is just to make you realize that by becoming more intentional about it, it’s much better.

So how we define a family culture, it’s the unique way that a family forms itself in terms of rules, roles, habits, activities, beliefs, and other areas. And you can imagine that these things just happen naturally. So actually when we become more intentional about them, it enables us to decide what we want to be as a family.

Have more vision and strategy. So fun, sporty, kind, curious, what are the values we want to give to our children. You know, care of self, care for others. Effort is good. Whatever works for you, every family is different. But just becoming more conscious and strategic about this can make a huge difference to your children as they grow. And so ask yourself, what actions can lead to this? Agree during a family meeting that OK, let’s do more of this because we want to be like this as a family.

And try actually if you have all the children. Ask them, what do you think our values are?

Do kind of what we call a two minute quiz. So OK, tell us in three, four words what you feel that we are as a family.

And you’d be surprised sometimes at the answers they give, they can give you. And so ideally you actually, if you’re not happy with the answers then you get an opportunity to discuss these and make sure that you correct things before it’s too late. So overall, you want to finish on a positive note.

Because it’s like sandwich or like feedback, sorry, you want to do it as a sandwich. Positive, so compliments and gratitude. Then you put the problem solving, the part where you know, hey, we’ve got problems. Let’s solve them. But you want to finish on a positive note. So after problem solving and family culture, we plan activities and family fun.

You know, what we usually do in work meetings as well. Play a family game if you’ve got time. Because obviously these things, sometimes you skip the problem solving because we don’t have problems. We just use the family meeting as a bonding session. So we have time for a family game. And it’s a bit cheesy, but we always finish with a family hug and the children love it.

So overall, I wanted to check with you. What leadership skills do you feel that we’ve used actually coming back to everything you’ve defined?

Well, I mean, I promised I would show you my list. Well, here it is. Vision and strategy. So family culture, anticipating issues, it’s very much about vision and strategy. Leading by example, I think I went through that in detail. Effective communication, you know, the replacement of all the negative, the negatives, the orders with more motivating techniques.

Collaborative as well as directive. You know, it’s very important to actually when you do a family meeting, you’re asking them to also collaborate to find solutions to their problems, to empower them. Emotional intelligence, ability to listen, to be empathetic with our children. Motivating and inspiring. Valuing mistakes as opportunities for learning. As we said, you know, teaching them to fail and lead by example. Positive attitude and flexibility pragmatism. Trust and integrity. And finally, something we couldn’t be parents without is determination and commitment. And I want to acknowledge you all as parents because we have a tough job. And so hopefully the session has given you a bit more ideas on how to address these challenging times and really find solutions.

And realize that actually it is all about being a leader at home as we want to be leaders at work. And by applying these techniques, we can really make our family lives easier and more harmonious.

Thank you.

SPEAKER 2:

Right, thank you, Nadim. It’s quarter past 1:00, and so we have about 10 minutes for questions or so. And please use the mic to ask the question.

Any questions from the floor?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, I was just wondering about ages where you can start some of this. Because I’ve got young children so I totally see the benefit of what you’re talking about.

But I also think they are not going to get it yet.

So when–

NADIM SAAD: Can I ask how old your children are?

AUDIENCE: Two and zero.

NADIM SAAD: Well, congratulations on the– two actually is a great age to start, particularly limited choices, asking questions.

Making sure, basically you want to remove the resistance that comes with– I don’t know if you’re, I mean autonomy, there is this need for autonomy identity that comes in human beings. And it comes in peaks. It comes at two, that’s what explains the terrible twos.

It comes back at 12, which is adolescence and older people. It comes back at 40. It explains a lot of the midlife crisis.

And then again at 80. So two is really a great moment to start and apply a lot of basically remove the resistance.

Creating routines, you know, everything basically a lot of the– leading by example can start at any age. I hope you can use some, I mean we have talks that is more specific for younger children. But I hope that some of the ideas here, you can definitely commend.

AUDIENCE: Thanks.

AUDIENCE: Thank you.

The kind of frustration I guess that I have with my kids is that, and this could go on by the way.

The frustration, I think is that the ability for me to or the inability of me to articulate kind of do the boring stuff to get to the fun stuff. So that brushing teeth, and I get what you’re saying about routine, but I guess I have trouble articulating. Like it’ll take you two minutes to brush your teeth. And then you get 20 minutes to mess about. And the whole process to get them from start to finish will take 25 minutes. You know what I mean.

NADIM SAAD: I totally, totally–

AUDIENCE: I need help articulating that to them. Please, please help.

NADIM SAAD: Yes. And I agree. I still get frustrated at this. Because actually it’s understanding what is age appropriate is the hardest– was the hardest bit for me. Realizing that actually the prefrontal cortex, so this logical part of the brain, understanding what the consequences of our actions, that takes until the age of 25.

That’s actually when we become really adults, when our prefrontal cortex stops growing. Until then, unfortunately they don’t have hindsight.

They don’t realize that oh, of course, I mean unless we do it outside of the actions, which is why the whole idea of routines, of problem solving, is doing when they’re not already in this kind of resistance and outside of the prefrontal cortex.

And so these tools to remind them that we agree that it’s much better. Because outside, so you do a problem solving session, you say, would you prefer to dress for 25 minutes and then have 2 minutes to play?

Or do you have to dress for 2 minutes and actually play for 25?

They’ll go, play 25, dress 2 minutes.

Great.

OK.

And that’s where you’re going to say, OK, well we have agreement on that.

What can I do to remind you that this is what you want?

They’ll give you an idea and I promise, try it at home, you will– I mean it’s not going to work 100% of the time.

But it’s going to work, particularly at the beginning if you’re consistent about it, because they– you empowered them to decide for themselves and you reminded them in a nice fun way.

So it unfortunately takes more effort. But unfortunately that’s what our children have to go through. We’re here to coach them to really develop this prefrontal cortex.

Because what we want is for them to reach adolescence and not make huge mistakes. And mistakes suffer from inflation.

So the younger they make mistakes, the better.

Because when they’re 14, 15, and they go into a car with someone who’s drunk et cetera, you want them to anticipate, to realize the consequences of this. And so the more we actually teach them the consequences of their actions early on, the better– well, the more their prefrontal cortex is going to be developed and the better they’re going to react to this.

So it takes more time, but it’s so worth it. Because then you get into this really, you have this shared purpose and this sense of motivation to want to do things because they want to do them, not because we’re after them. And because you could, you could be playing. Come on. Very frustrating, but.

AUDIENCE: I have a lovely adorable daughter. Well, until she turned 19 months and she realized she can have an opinion. We are struggling, me and my wife, to figure out how do we negotiate with her. She’s 19 months, she can’t understand what we want to tell her.

But she realized she can have an opinion. She can wake up and say, I’m not going to sleep. We don’t just let her cry herself to sleep. But we want to, find out a way of negotiating with her. She will say she will not have breakfast this morning. She doesn’t like the milk is too cold, it’s too old. So it’s–

NADIM SAAD: Thanks for the question. It is very much, if I may, I think the word negotiation is in itself– I mean, ideally you move away from negotiating with your children.

Because otherwise everything turns out and turns into a negotiation. So what we want is actually for them to have a sense of control.

That’s crucial. That’s so for them not to be a two and just be resistant and not want to do anything. But so giving them limited choices.

So for example, do you want your milk cold or hot?

So you’re anticipating the issue before she tells you oh, I want my milk hot actually.

So you allow her to make decisions based on limited choices, that will be usually helpful. But you do not negotiate. And then if it’s actually she decided she wanted it cold. And she then goes no, actually I want it hot. Just like oh, next time Darling. Today you decided cold. Because otherwise it’s her way for– it’s her way to control you.

Because they do have this need for control. So don’t get me wrong, it’s totally normal. It’s age appropriate.

But you want to teach them that they can have control, but on your terms.

Otherwise they’re running the show. And then you’ve got a really difficult life because it all turns out into a negotiation. So limited choices, asking questions, and enforceable statements, which is another one I didn’t really mention. For example, children in this house who want to have dessert must have eaten their meal, for example. So instead of, if you don’t do this, you won’t get that, which is very threatening and it really creates opposition. You try and create more positive ways. So as soon as you’ve done that, you can do this. So it doesn’t put the child in resistance mode. I hope that helps.

AUDIENCE: Next to being, like giving them control, do you have some suggestions on how to let them break rules and be [INAUDIBLE]?

Because I mean that’s why they are wired to a certain age to them and try to break the rules.

How would you suggest to do that?

NADIM SAAD: So the question is how often should you let them break the rules?

Or should you let them break the rules at all? I mean what’s was the question?

AUDIENCE: So the question stems from the fact that they are wired to break the rule at some point.

And feeling that giving them too much of this management leadership style might then transform them into anarchists, they just want to avoid all of that when they are teenagers.

So how do you allow for an element of breaking the rules?

NADIM SAAD: OK, so it’s– well, that’s a tough one because my wife and I would answer differently.

Because she would allow more exceptions. Because of my parenting style, I allow less exceptions. And I think that’s what we’re talking about here.

My view of life is actually there are rules everywhere and actually my children have to teach– have to learn that early on. So I wouldn’t allow for a lot of breaking rules.

To make up for that, they are not allowed to break up many rules, there are some exceptions. So I say, OK, you know what, I’ll make an exception.

Go ahead, for example, break a rule that is not, you know, is not so important for me or so choose your battles. It’s fine. But the rest of the time, I make it clear that that’s the rule.

But to make up for that rigidity, you actually create a lot of autonomy within– you offer a lot of choices.

You anticipate a lot of issues by actually having covered it, by being collaborative. So they feel they have a say and they are empowered.

And they feel they’ve got a shared purpose and belonging. As long as you have this, you’d be surprised that children actually are a lot less intent on breaking the rules just to break them.

They break them because they just feel, they’re like oh my god, there are so many rules.

I can’t bear all this. So as long as you give enough control and autonomy, children will actually learn to make mistakes and it’s fine, but there are consequences to this. So they learn that there are consequences for mistakes.

It’s not big punishment and oh, horrible. It’s actually, the idea is not to make children feel worse in order to do better.

It’s for them to always feel good and to want to be in this family and want to do things correctly because they see that otherwise, you know, my parents are not going to be happy.

Or it’s not actually counter to the way the family functions. So hopefully it’s that, you know, it’s for you to decide how many exceptions you’re going to make.

But if you make too many, then you’re letting them run the show and not realize there is a consequence and that there are rules while you want to teach them the rules.

AUDIENCE: So sometimes breaking rules or at least perceived rules can be a good thing. Are you concerned or is there any evidence to show or counter evidence that you’re going to end up raising a child who isn’t capable of breaking rules when we see rules as an adult? Because I want my son to be able to break rules sometimes.

NADIM SAAD: Totally, again, it’s– I mean, it’s a similar question and I understand that. And it’s funny because I rarely get these kind of questions.

And clearly Google is very much, it is part of the Google culture.

And I think that’s great. I think it’s, you know, you want to be– to question, you know, the rules and then otherwise you can’t actually create a lot. I think it’s about finding this right balance as I was explaining.

But really it’s offering a lot of autonomy and a lot of opportunities to do things differently and to decide what the rules are.

So for example, in the problem solving session, you’re not imposing your rule on your children.

You’re telling them, OK, that’s what we want as an outcome as a family.

So what are the right rules for our family to achieve this? And sometimes you’ll go against your feeling like, oh my god, really?

But you’ll go with it.

And you’ll just go, you know, OK.

I mean, I don’t really agree but I’ll go with that.

That in itself is kind of a way to teach them to think differently, to think outside of the box, and to find solutions to problems.

I think that’s what we want to achieve. Just breaking the rules for the sake of breaking them is kind of goes, it will go against you.

And sometimes, and it’s fine, they have to make mistakes by the way.

So it’s not like that we’re going to create these perfect kids who never break the rules.

It’s just when they break them, instead of getting angry and thinking, oh my god how dare you do that, it’s actually oh, so sad. You know what the rules are. So that’s a mistake.

It’s OK and that’s the consequence that you agreed on.

And then instead of going no, that’s not fair. They’ll go, yeah, I mean I decided this consequence. It’s fine. You know, and it’s tough. It can be tough, but it’s fine.

I hope that answers.

AUDIENCE: Right, thanks for the talk. My kids are 8 and 12 and we have some routines that work quite well for us.

But then we have some which have been really non established, and which we would like to change because they don’t necessarily work out now. So for example, we used to always get into do some kind of practice after dinner.

But we find these days that perhaps everybody’s a bit tired then and piano practice can get a bit confrontational. And we’d like to bring it earlier in the day maybe before dinner and say then we’re met with big resistance. I wonder if you have tips on how to kind of deal with that.

NADIM SAAD: So is there resistance because they just want to have fun before and that they are used to doing it after or where does it come from?

AUDIENCE: Because in their mind, piano practice is always after dinner

NADIM SAAD: OK, so there’s–

AUDIENCE: At least that’s what’s voiced.

I mean maybe there’s something else. But yeah, that’s the objection that we’re given.

NADIM SAAD: Yeah, well this is very– usually that’s very much the purpose of a family meeting. Is when it’s outside of this kind of resistance already, you should do it before. But you can agree on why it’s better for them to do it earlier. I mean that’s where usually, when you get– you get buy in. It’s like any meeting.

To get buy in, they mustn’t be in resistant mode.

They have to realize what the intention is and why it’s better.

And or otherwise you say well, the consequence could be well you have to have dinner earlier and maybe then we can’t participate in dinner.

I mean things– you can actually make things up so that to make sure that– I mean it’s not, it’s just showing them the consequence of not going that way without it being a battle.

Because that’s what you want to remove and everything we do is remove those. This battle, these positions, that it’s a win-lose situation.

Actually everything is a win-win situation.

I mean we’re doing this for our kids.

So they have to realize it.

And the more you create this environment of shared purpose and we have the same goals, the more you can achieve no resistance to piano practice.

Actually yeah, it’s true actually, I’m going to do it. Invent, I mean do it, be creative, that’s what I mean. And they’re going to be your best creative, you know, they’re going to bring the best creative ideas. So allow them to have these ideas because maybe they’ll come up with something that works for you, and that you didn’t even think about.

So to have these conversations.

SPEAKER 2: All right, and with that please join me in a massive round of applause for Nadim Saad.

As found on Youtube

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?11=&v=Y8Dy_c1Txgs

Parenting tips: how to raise happy kids

How do you raise happy kids this is a question your a loving parents heart no matter what we teach them if we haven’t taught them how to be happy or can’t parent in a way that makes them feel happy it’s rather all for naught isn’t it?

So it’s a very pertinent question

The first is the importance of modeling happiness can’t give something you don’t have

How can you teach kids happiness if you don’t have it yourself some parents think loving their family means living only for them

Driving them everywhere cleaning up after them and putting their kids needs and desires way ahead of their own

Parenting shouldn’t turn us into a short-order restaurant or a cleaning or taxi service

It does for some parents that teaches kids a bad lesson

A child who perceives his parent as a servant or someone whose life has meaning only through catering to his whims learns to be selfish

They come to believe others exist to do their bidding.

I have a friend who is raised like that

she tells me when she grew up, she kept having the strange feeling where are all the servants being catered to as such an ingrained part of her childhood that adjusting to adulthood was difficult for her because the servants were missing.

kids who are raised this way tend to feel the world owes them a living

so breaking out of the doormat mode

If you’re in one is pretty central to giving your kids a chance at a smooth transition to happy adulthood

When you take care of yourself make time for yourself and do things that make you happy

Your child learns those behaviors from youI

If she sees you going for your dreams and making decisions based on your inner truth she learns that doing those things is good

On the other hand if you model dropping everything to fulfill her latest dictate

She learns that parenting means self-denial and victimization she may then become a self-effacing parent herself or go the other extreme and forgo parenting entirely because it looks like such a sacrifice

So to raise happy kids be good to yourself treat yourself with respect and dignity the same as you treat your child

Don’t allow disrespect toward you any more than you’d allow someone to be rude to your kids

Make time for your creative desires and dreams

Plan in some scheduled personal time each week and make sure that you take it

Let your kids see you’re doing this and tell them the reason mommy needs to have some fun too or moms need time every day to relax

That shows your child that you value yourself and that personal time is important to everyone’s happiness

The second tip

I’ve learned for raising happy kids is the tremendous value of focused attention

The best form this can take is under updated one-on-one personal time with your child think back to your own childhood and some of your happiest memories

Chances are they include that hike you took with dad or the time you and mom went to the restaurant for a dessert

When we set aside an hour or two to be with our child away from distractions and interruptions we tell him he is important and loved

Giving focused attention is much more powerful than the diffused attention kids get while we cook dinner drive them somewhere or break up conversations to take calls on our cell phone

Children thrive on loving focused personal attention the way plants thrive on sunshine

Structure in some focused attention every day even if it’s only for five or ten minutes

Look at your child when he talks to you so he knows you’re completely with him

He loved it’s a subtle things that count

Giving focused attention teachers self-worth your child knows she is valuable because you valuer enough to carve out time for you in her uninterruptedly by the world for those moments that spells love and when she knows You love her by your actions not your words that brings security and heart fulfillment essential foundations of happiness

In this busy world where parents work two jobs and where kids social calendars can rival those of debutante it isn’t easy to make time to take care of yourself and under up to time for you and your child

But for happiness nothing could be more important think about your schedule what is not essential that you can cut out or wasted moments that you can eliminate

Use that harvested time to be good to you and your kid your child’s happiness and yours depend on it

Categories
Education Parenting

Emotionally Healthy Children

How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children

One of the main reasons that people are emotionally unhealthy is that they are living a life of codependency.

Parents can live co-dependently on their children, or the children can be codependent on their parents.

Codependency is a problem that continues to recur through the generations. Parents can start to help their children become emotionally healthy and live independently when they learn how to live their own lives separately from their children. Parents might even have to make a conscious effort to change these behaviors that might have been plaguing their own families for generations.

It can be hard to determine if there are codependency issues in your family.

Many times the problems are easy to deny and sometimes even more natural to hide.

Sometimes you might not even realize that you are codependent upon your children.

There are some signs of codependency that you can consider to determine if this is something that is a problem for you.

Questions to Ask Yourself to Find Out if You are Co-Dependent Upon Your Child

Do you find yourself overly focused on your child?
Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Does your child suffer from low self-esteem?
Do you practice non-assertive communication?
Do you find yourself denying or devaluing your needs or the needs of yourself or your child?
Do you find yourself devaluing the wants or feelings of yourself or your child?
Do you have poor boundaries?
Do you feel that you need to control the things that your child says or does?

If you answered yes to more than one of these, the then chances are that you have at least some codependency issues with your child.

emotionally healthy children

Your child is going to learn a lot about himself/herself and how to communicate things like their own needs by how they interact with you.

It is imperative to examine how you relate with your child to see if they can develop healthy emotions.

If you want your child to be an emotionally healthy adult, then you should make sure that the following are happening with them.

Is your child about to express free thoughts, observations, and feelings?
Do you try to maintain equality in your home and make it fair for everyone?
Are you able to have healthy communication with your child?
Do you have reasonable rules for your child based on their age and ability?
Are you supportive and nurturing of your child’s needs?
Do you have healthy boundaries with your child?
Are you able to problem solve with your child?

If you did not answer yes to at least three of these things, then you probably need to work on these so that your child can develop into a healthy and productive member of society as an adult.

There are some things that you can do as a parent so that you can help your child to become a healthy adult. The following are some of the critical things for you to think about.

You need to allow your child to have information without making that information dependent upon behavior or using it as a reward.

Make sure that they feel comfortable expressing how they feel and what is going on with them.

You must show your children respect.

If you do not respect your child, then it is going to be hard for them to learn how to respect you and your authority.

Make sure that your child knows that you understand that sometimes they are going to be angry or have expressions that might not be positive.

You can not fix feelings, but instead, you need to work with your child to resolve why they feel that way.

Talk to your child about the boundaries that they want to have. Make sure that you respect these boundaries.

Allow your child to be independent in ways that are age appropriate. You should also give your child some responsibility that is appropriate for their age and allow them to make some decisions.

You need to have reasonable rules and punishments that are humane. Most important here is that punishments do not embarrass your child or cause them mental duress.

Finally, you must nurture your child. You need to be attentive to their emotional and physical needs. Plus you have to make sure that you are not reserving your love based upon your child’s behavior.

Doing these things is going to help you to make sure that you have an emotionally well-developed child who is not codependent on you.

 

When I was a senior in college, studying Early Childhood Education, I was a little worried about getting a job, and wondered if I should get licensed to teach older grades as well.

But my adviser reassured me, she said: “Kathleen, any day now, there will be public early childhood programs everywhere.” 30 years later, only a fraction of the children who need high quality early childhood programs have access to them, which is why I’m here to talk to you today.

This is a story about the single most important construction a society ever undertakes. It is about what is required to build a physically, cognitively, socially, and emotionally healthy child. It is a process, is complex, is the most challenging feat of engineering and a process that is easily thwarted by poverty and stress.

Healthy children do not come pre-assembled; work is required.

This story begins with 100 North Carolina babies, and their amazing journey.

Their life trajectories were changed by a single intervention, high-quality educational child care.

They remained part of one of the largest studies of child development and one of the most famous, the Abecedarian project.

And it started right here, in this town, at this university, at Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute. Abecedarian means ones who are just learning, and our abecedarians have been followed since the 1970s.

Let me tell you how this worked.

Children and families from Chapel Hill area, all of whom lived in poverty, were assigned to one of two experimental groups.

Both groups received basic supports such as diapers and formula, but only one of the groups, the Abecedarian group, received full day, year round; intensive child care.

The researchers developed an innovative program.

They developed a program that focused on playful activities that emphasized one-on-one intensive language interactions between teachers and children.

The researchers, based on what we knew at the time, thought that they would see results quite quickly, and started assessing the children almost immediately, but it was over a year before they saw any results; at 15 months, there were slight differences between the Abecedarian childcare children and their none participating peers.

But the amazing thing is what happened from the long-term results.

First, there were some real disadvantages for children who did not participate in the Abecedarian childcare [program]. By four years old, they saw declines in their IQ, and in school, they were more likely to be placed in special education.

On the other hand, individuals who received the Abedecedarian childcare outperformed their non-participating peers on assessments of Math, Reading and intellectual measures through high school and into early adulthood. Abecedarian participants were less likely to become teen parents. By 21 years of age, only 40% of the none participants have or enrolled in college or employed in skilled labor, compared to 70% of the Abecedarian children.

Keep in mind, this is 16 years after participating in high-quality early childhood education. They were less likely to become depressed as adults.

By 30 years of age, they were more likely to have a job and a college degree, but the most impressive findings are the most recent: Abecedarian childcare participants in their mid-30’s showed better physical health than their none participating peers.

Let me give you and example.

Among the males who did not participate in the Abecedarian childcare, 25% developed metabolic disorder.

This is a serious medical condition consisting of hypertension and obesity.

Guess how many of the Abecedarian males developed metabolic disorder? 25%, 10%, 5%?

Zero.

Not one of the Abecedarian males developed metabolic disorder in their mid-30’s. High-quality childcare received before five years old is associated with better heart health in mid-adulthood.

Think about that for a moment.

What made a difference for the Abecedarian children?

How and why does high-quality early care in education have such a powerful and lasting impact?

What is required for the assembly of a healthy child, who then becomes a healthy adult?

Research as the FPG and elsewhere have been studying these questions for decades and identifying exactly what is needed for early care in education and the Abecedarian project provided a lot of that guidance.

For example, we know the children need healthy environments. the Abecedarians project lent years of studies that examined specifically what constituted healthy environments for young children, tools were developed in FPG that are used around the world to evaluate and improve the quality of early childhood programs.

But here is the thing: most children who live in poverty don’t have access to those high quality early childhood programs.

Next, language.

A great lesson from the Abecedarian program is the importance of intensive, frequent, one-on-one language interactions between adults and children.

Later research shows that by the time children are four years old, children who live in poverty hear 30 million fewer words than children who live in economically privilege homes, 30 million fewer words.

We continue to work, to try to help early childhood teachers enhance the quality of language development for young children.

Finally, we’ve established that the glue that holds this assembly together is the warm, trusting relationships forged by the adults in children’s lives.

The Abecedarian children had access to these one-on-one interactions with teachers, and we know from subsequent research that when children have caring and trusting relationships with teachers in early childhood, they do better academically and socially throughout the school years.

Healthy environments, language interactions, warm relationships, all rely on the skills of educated, healthy teachers.

So who are these early childhood teachers? And what do we know about them? Let’s take the example of Head Start teachers.

Head Start, you may know, is a federal funded program, designed to educate some children who live in poverty.

According to a recent report on the early childhood workforce, Head Start teachers increased their education, consistently since 2007, while realizing a decline in wages in real dollars.

Furthermore, we know from research that Head Start teachers report poor health outcomes than the general population, and they have very high stress in their jobs working with children and families; and we know that when teacher’s stress increases the quality of their relationships with children declines.

We are working very hard to identify ways to support teachers’ well being so that they can support young children. High quality environments, language interactions, healthy relationships delivered by teachers who are educated, healthy, and well compensated.

emotionally healthy children

Sounds expensive, right? It is.

But the Abecedarian study and other studies have found that there is a financial return on investment. According to Nobel Prize winner economist, James Hackman, participants in the Abecedarian study saved the societal support system as much as seven dollars for every dollar spent.

Seven dollars.

And further evidence from economic researchers shows that investment in high quality early childhood programs, benefits not only children and families but entire communities, and could be the single intervention that thwarts the inter-generational cycle of poverty.

Do you want to live in economically stable communities with low rates of poverty and crime?

Invest in high quality early childhood programs.

Do you want to spend less on public health problems like obesity and heart disease?

Invest in high quality early childhood programs.

Do you want your children to benefit from schools where all children are healthy and prepared to learn?

Invest in high quality early childhood programs.

These days, my office is to next to that of Francis Campbell, one of the original investigators on the Abecedarian study.

But 30 years after my adviser reassured me, children who live in poverty still do not have access to sufficient high quality early childhood programs.

Our investment in human capital is the single most pressing issue we face today; and if healthier and more productive lives aren’t sufficient, we have a financial bottom line that shows we must invest early.

We have the instructions, assembly is required.

What are we waiting for?

Thank you.

As found on Youtube

 

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What Is an Emotionally-healthy Childhood?

We can sometimes be very humble about our ability to find out what might be useful for others or ourselves, Forget that it may be possible to guess some generalizations about what constitutes Childhood emotionally healthy. It can not be the absolute privacy or good luck. There Themes and objectives of the characteristic can be identified. Map with optimal development in mind, we can appreciate more clearly where to start disintegrating, what we should be grateful to him Allam and regret. At the collective level, we will have more sense of what we need To achieve to generate more distinctive emotionally – and thus the world Wiser Kulaila-. In the context of a healthy childhood emotionally, we can expect some of the following: – someone will put himself sincerely in our service.

If we have adults Mental health standards, it is almost sure that when we were young and helpless infants There was someone (we owe him our lives) to pay its own needs Aside to focus on our needs we are entire. We explained what we could not Say, guess what can be Atabna, Hdoona and Oasuna. Kept Chaos and Aldaudhaebaida and cut the world into pieces we can control. They did All this, and at the same time, did not ask us to thank them, understand them or show them compassion. They did not ask us to wonder how their day was or how they sleep at night. (It was not much). They treated us like kings, so that we may later be able to Delivery of cruelty and humiliation in ordinary life. This temporary unilateral relationship Ensure that we have the ability eventually to form a bilateral relationship. You may think People egoists as sick people constant attention. But the opposite is somewhat True; Selfish is someone who did not get enough love.

On pivoting about self To have a substantial share in the early years, so as not to chase and destroy the last. The so-called narcissistic is just the spirit outcast did not have a chance to enjoy Admired excessive and unreasonable at first. – In emotionally healthy childhood, someone It is always to give the best possible explanation for our behavior. We carry on Seventy loaded with goodness. Based on what may be the days are Tqina, not build on it is us right Now.

Someone Atif.aly For example, a judge might say harsh us that we are “looking for attention.” Of Eraana imagined that what we need is more lap and some encouraging words. We may be acted disturbingly. Of Eraana adds that we must be at the level of what we feel Threat. We seem as if we neglected; remember that the care provider That much of it may be related to fatigue. Shepherd is looking down under The surface for more sympathetic interpretations to help us to be along Ourselves, to love ourselves – and therefore ultimately not be too defensive about Own shortcomings, which we grow enough to accept their existence. – In good childhood, Our relationship with the Eraana constant, consistent and long-term. We are confident that Tomorrow there will be the next day. It is not volatile or fragile. He Almost dull, predictable and happy that is taken for granted.

As a result, we develop Confidence in the relationships that arise in our lives. We can believe that what It got a good time can go well again and allow such a prediction that governs our choice for our partner’s Partners. Not Nguettn persons distant and non-reliable; do not still enjoy Punishment. We can choose partners and attentive Alemraaan – not Judge them that they are weak or deficient because they are as well. If you hit trouble with our partners Allatifin, the lack of patience Anfzaa or move away to avoid them. We can try with confidence Reform of the love that we know we deserve. – In emotionally healthy upbringing, not We wanted us to be always girls and boys the good Alkamilon. We are not allowed to get angry and we sometimes In them are disgusting, to say that in some situations, “no” and “because we feel it.” Adults know their flaws do not expect a child to be the best of them. We are not obliged to give at every turn to be we accept. We can allow others to see Dark aspects of us.

This stage of freedom Thaina to give one day to the requirements of society Without the need to rebel defensive ways (the fact that the rebels in the rear, are people They had to obey a lot early). We can work hard when it is in our interest In the long term to do so. But at the same time, we are not cowards or obedient without discrimination We can find a middle point between the slave compliance on the one hand and self-destruction Challenging the other. – In an emotionally healthy home, we care provider is not jealous of us Or competing with us. It can be allowed to be exceeded or superiority to it. He has got On Hzth in the spotlight – or get them somewhere else outside the family They can be proud of the achievements of their children are not competitors (who are usually of the same sex) They do not need because of the axis.

Good Shepherd is not ambitious too much On behalf of the child. She wants him to Webley well, but for him is his way. Special provision on the child does not have to be followed by got love: not required The strengthening of the child shepherd strained the confidence of his own, or polishing his image in the eyes of the world. – In emotionally sound education, the child learns that the things that break It can be repaired. You may deviate plans, but it is possible to develop new ideas. It can fall and then shake off Dust yourself. Shepherd shows the child how to calm down, and remains optimistic. Sound flex, in an external origin, it becomes the way in which the child learns to happen Himself.

There are alternatives to panic; the ship will overcome the storm and back To the harbor. It is safe to go outside and explore. There is no risk of all turn. We can go out in a short exploratory trip at the beginning, and then we return to ensure – just to get out The second expedition longer. We can risk. – It is vital That many errors occur in health childhood emotionally. No one has devoted his reputation for providing Everything is complete. Care provider does not see that his duty to remove all the frustration. He knows that a lot of good comes from getting the appropriate amount of disagreement – which develops the child through its sources and uniqueness of confrontation With potential disappointments, the child is urged to form your inner world Which can dream it, be new plans, he calms himself and builds its sources. – the right care provider is not – as the child can never Ary- good or absolute evil, So it is not worthy of worship or contempt.

The child accepts errors And the virtues of the care provider maturely sad and Amtnan- and therefore, It is ready to accept that everyone will be a mixture of positive and negative. An adult will not fall deeply in love to get angry at the first moment Letdown. It has a sense of realism about what to expect from life with another good enough Despite all the progress we have made in the field of technology and material resources, In the art of providing a healthy childhood emotionally we are not much more advanced than Previous generations.

Some collapses, non-life honest, broken souls does not appear Noticeable signs of decline. We fail to provide childhood cannot afford Because we are evil or indifferent but because we still have a long way to know How do we do what seems simple but more complex: love things. Dark facts may not be in our book “things children should never tell” suitable for children but can offer solace and humor and relief for the elderly among us.

 

Categories
Parenting

Baby And Fatherhood

How to Prepare for Fatherhood

Many men are overwhelmed when they first learn that they are going to become a father. Once they get over these feelings, they will be flooded with excitement about fatherhood and having a baby.

The following are some tips that are going to help you to prepare for fatherhood.

Learn How to Relax and Get Some Sleep
One of the first things that you should do when you learn that you are going to be a dad is learning how to relax more and get more sleep.

There is a good chance that you are not going to get much sleep the first few months after your baby is born, so it is a good idea to make sure that you get that sleep that you need now.

It is also a good idea to be well rested and to know how to quickly relax when you bring your new baby home from the hospital.

Get Involved
When you are having a baby, it is a good idea to become as involved in the process as possible.

Attend classes about becoming a dad, go to appointments with your significant other, and learn about how you can help.

Setting up the nursery is one way of helping and one that will bring you closer to the reality that you are going to be a dad.

Consider Parenting Classes
It can be hard to know what to do with a new baby.

One great way to learn how to do things is by taking a parenting class.

These classes can teach you about options that are available to you like:

  • cloth diapers vs. disposables,
  • vaccination administration and timelines,
  • formula feeding vs. breast feedings,
  • natural birth vs. medicated birth, and more.

There is so much useful information in these classes that they can help you to determine the things that you want for your new baby.

Look at the Books
There are so many parenting books out there that it can be overwhelming to look at them or even to try and choose one.

Talk to your healthcare provider about the one that they suggest for a new father.

Then pick up that book and spend some time reading it.

The chances are that you are going to learn a few things that you did not know that will be helpful to you when you become a dad.

Talk to a Certified Car Seat Specialist
Before you have your baby, it is imperative that you go and speak to a certified car seat specialist. You will want to discuss the proper way to install the car seat in the vehicles that you have.

You will want to practice this and have them check it for you.

You will also want to know how to place your newborn into the car seat properly.

Ask if they offer classes or if they will teach you and let you practice with a training doll.

Discuss Fears with Someone You Trust
All new dads have fears going into fatherhood. Each dad that you know probably had just as many fears as you do.

Obviously it is not a good idea to talk about these fears with your significant other, especially when she is pregnant.

So take the time to go and talk to someone that you trust like a good friend or a family member who is already a father.

This can help to relieve these fears and help you to learn how to handle certain situations with grace.

Talk to Your Baby While in the Womb
While your baby is in the womb it is a great idea to talk to him or her.

You can also sing, play music and do a variety of activities while your wife is pregnant.

This can be a very rewarding time for you both and it is a great time to start to build your bond.

Make a Birth Plan
One of the final ways to prepare for your child to enter the world is to make sure that you have a birth plan and that you are aware of the decisions that your significant other has made.

Make sure to discuss your own concerns for both her and the baby when things come up and make sure that you are both well educated as to your decisions and the options that are available for you.

Bonding with Baby for Fathers

Most new fathers come into the whole new father thing without a lot of experience with kids.

Their partner’s probably did some babysitting, and most likely the guys didn’t.

So a natural question I get a lot which is,

“What am I suppose to do with this thing “now that we got this baby around?”

And the first thing you need to prepare for, is the first couple months are going to be tough.

They’re not going to do anything. You’re going to be standing on your head and telling jokes and doing things.

You’re going to get no response from your child. As the child gets older, you’ll be able to get more response.

It really is all about spending time together.

And paying attention to what’s going on with the child.

That, the time that you spend is where the relationship building comes from.

You’re not going to be able to tune in at age two and say, “Okay, now I want a great relationship.” So it’s the simplest things.

Making the baby a part of your life. You plot the baby in a stroller and you go to the grocery store.

Think of all the fantastic things you can learn in a grocery store. I remember doing this with my kids.

“Look. Here’s a kiwi. “That feels really cool doesn’t it? ”

Here’s a coconut and that feels different.”

Just those kinds of things build the relationship between you and your child.

You get used to the baby.

Baby gets used to you.

And that’s really what it’s all about.

Fatherhood

My best advice for a father bonding with his daughter, personally my daughter’s three right now.

It’s really important for me to take an interest in things that she loves.

They may not necessary be my passions, but I let her comb my hair.

I let her put fake makeup on. I sit down to imaginary meals with her.

I do things that she really loves.

If it’s bracelets and necklaces, we’ll sit down, and we’ll do some of that stuff together, or we’ll go out and shop for something like that.

One thing that I did specifically for my son is every time we went to a new city or new place, I’ll buy him a patch.

Putting on a duffle bag to give to him later. At the same time, for my daughter I would look for things like charms for her bracelets.

Maybe it’s a doll from some of those places we’ve been.

And I think she really loves some of that stuff.

Fatherhood

The thing that I bonded with my son the most was holding him.

And there was this spot where he would snuggle up against me and hold me.

That, he felt like he was a part of me.

That we were bonding.

He was just there.

And he meant to be right there. And it was a certain specific spot.

He would wiggle into that spot, and I’m holding here because it was here.

This was not, It wasn’t here; it wasn’t here.

He’d just get right and to this day, he still, even though he’s big, he still looks to get into that, and puts his head in that spot that we connected.

Fatherhood

That started when he was a newborn.

As found on Youtube

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