Middle child syndrome is more real than most parents want to admit.
The problem comes when they have more than two children and one or more of their middle children feel as though they are lost in the shuffle.
For the middle child, it can be challenging to deal with the order in which they were born.
It is not uncommon for the middle child to be the outcast of the family.
In fact, it is so familiar that many people have named the condition middle child syndrome.
Understanding Just What Middle Child Syndrome Is
Many children who are born in between two or more siblings feel like they are inadequate and can not measure up.
They often experience feelings of emptiness and jealousy. Some people cannot escape and form an extreme type of introversion.
This is related to low self-esteem and can even lead to issues with psychosis.
Most middle children are not given as much attention as the oldest or youngest child in the family.
They might start to feel like they have to do more to get noticed or to get attention.
Most of the time this causes the middle children to achieve more because they feel like getting awards and honors is the only way that their parents will pay attention to them.
Sometimes though the child feels that they can not earn these awards and this can cause them to act out for negative attention.
In this case, the child is likely to do things wrong just so that they can be punished.
Middle children often suffer from low self-esteem.
This is believed to come from the feelings that they do not have their parents guidance or support.
They tend to be overly friendly and can be looked at as weird by other people.
These children are willing to reach out to others because they usually feel so lonely and empty.
The low self-esteem and self-worth will often make a middle child feel as though they can not succeed in the ways that they want to.
This causes many middle children just to give up and not try to achieve.
A middle child is also seen as someone who is jealous and insecure.
Since the middle child feels like they are always fighting for attention at home, it causes them to feel jealous and insecure around others regardless of where they are at.
When they see others getting the attention that they are always reaching for then they end up feeling jealous of people.
In some cases, when there are extreme feelings of being unloved, unwanted, or even hated, the child might end up showing psychotic behaviors.
Causes of Middle Child Syndrome
There are two leading causes of middle child syndrome.
These children do not feel that they have the support that they need and they are often unable to develop their own identity successfully.
Since the middle child strives to be different than the firstborn or last born child, they tend to try and come up with their personality that is different.
They also feel like they are not as loved as the firstborn or last born children.
Making the Situation More Positive
There are many things that parents can do to avoid having a child with middle child syndrome.
It is important to celebrate all of your children’s accomplishments regardless of which child it is.
It is also essential that you spend time talking to each of your children and that you give each child their particular attention.
This is going to help to reduce the chance of any child, even your middle child, feeling like they are not as important as any of the others.
Have you ever heard [that] the oldest child in the family tends to be very?
Responsible while children have no siblings are far more likely to be selfish and demanding Obvious merely stereotypes, or is it really true today?
We’ve [decided] to find the answer to this intriguing question how by a border can shape your personality?
the Bathwater Ferry began in the nineteen twenties of alfred elder sigmund freud’s friends in colleague Alder believed that the order in which we were born to a family inherently a sexual personality here is the Ferry the firstborn child according to older the oldest child tends to be conservative power orientated and predisposed Towards leadership
They often take responsibility for the younger siblings
That’s why first born has grown up to be more caring more willing to become parents more likely to take initiative
The Middle child the older brother or sister is a pacesetter to the second child
That’s why they often struggle just to pass their older siblings the pace of development is higher the middle kids in a family often tend To be ambitious for they’re rarely selfish they’re also more likely to set unreasonably high goals to themselves this increases the number of failures however knowing how to cope with
Difficulties in life is what makes them stronger?
The youngest child as a rule the youngest child gets a lot of care and attention from parents and even older siblings
That’s why they may feel less experienced and Independent however
Last forms are usually highly motivated to surpass their older sisters [and] brothers
They achieve big success and on recognition in their chosen field very often
They [become] the fasted athletes the best musicians and most talented Artists the youngest children are family tend to be very sociable though [are] usually more irresponsible and Frivolous than the older children
The only child without any siblings to compete with the only child often compete with his or her father Being overly pampered by their parents the single child expects pampering and protection from everyone around to Dependency and self-centeredness of a leading qualities of our lives the only child often has into interacting with peers
Many children have no siblings become perfectionist, and they usually achieve their goals no matter what?
Now all of these leads are three important questions question one
How does [the] birth order affect IQ scores?
There is a theory saying [that] the order in which you’re born has an impact on your personality [an] IQ level This idea has become very popular recently however it has also created quite a divide among researchers
Some Dismiss the Fairy entirely and others are convinced it plays a crucial role researchers from the University of Leicester Gangaiah Guttenberg University of Maine’s Study more than twenty thousand adults are united States united Kingdom and Germany in this study
They compared siblings of his family and the orders of their birth
They found that older children Generally show higher performance and intelligence tests however the scientists found no birth order effects on emotional stability and imagination Question number two how does birth order affect your personality? another study provided more evidence above water effectual personality the researchers analyzed personality traits of 377,000 High School students in the Usa.
They found the first one since be more honest and dominant however
They’re also less social and less resistant stress
Middle children tend to be more conscientious and diligent the youngest child in the family is more likely to be open and sociable Kids have no siblings often others But they also quite outgoing as social and finally question number three is birth order really that important You have to admit the results of these studies have a number of inaccuracies
The research doesn’t take into account important Social Factors such as ethnicity education Parents, welfare and relationships within a family birth order may have a certain impact on your personality or intelligence however Don’t forget the parent-child relationships and the upbringing that children receive in their homes are much more important factors in shaping their lives as individuals [do] you agree with all of this?
One of the main things to remember about lying children is that children learn from their parents.
Honesty and dishonesty are things that are taught in the home by what your children see. It does not matter if you are lying to others or merely lying to your children.
If they see you lying, they are going to be more likely to lie.
There are many things that lies can indicate. Some lies are not that big of a deal and should not cause significant concern for parents, but other types of lying could be because of an emotional issue.
The key is to know what kind of lying your child is doing and to have a plan ready for how you will handle the situations in which your child tells a lie.
Lying That is a Big Deal
The lies that are big deals are the ones that could be pointing to a severe emotional issue with your child.
These are the types of lies that you should worry about more.
When a child knows the difference between what the truth is and what a lie is but continues to make up stories it could indicate some issue or something that should cause concern. Children might find that by telling elaborate stories that seem real that they are getting more attention.
Sometimes a child who is older might start to lie to their parents and fall into this dangerous pattern as a way of dealing with demands that they feel are too hard on them. While these children are not trying to be wrong, this is something that can quickly become a habit.
However, when it comes to lying sometimes, there is a more significant problem at hand. Some children feel like lies are the best way to get what they want. If the child is lying and does not feel bad afterward, then there might be a more significant problem. Children who have severe issues might always be caught in lies because they are trying to cover up what is going on.
Lying That is Not As Big of a Deal
Some lying is more appropriate than other lying. Children who are between the ages of 4 and five are known to tell tall tales and makeup stories.
This is part of normal development because they are trying to recreate the fun that they experience when hearing stories.
Sometimes the child might end up with a reality that is a blur of what happened and what did not. It is essential that parents watch this behavior and talk to the child about when it is okay to tell stories and when it is not.
Children who are older and try lying to get out of trouble for something might require a little more attention.
Parents should talk to them about why these lies are not appropriate and why it is essential.
Tips to Handle a Lying Child
The most important person that is a role model to your child is you. Make sure that you discuss lying with your child.
Talk to your child about what the difference is between pretend and reality. Talk to them about lying and telling the truth and how they are different.
Make sure that your children know the importance of being honest in your home. Also, make sure that they know what the consequences for not telling the truth are.
Talk to your child about ways that they can handle situations without resorting to telling a lie.
If you feel that your child’s lying is a serious problem and not something that you are equipped to handle, then it is essential to seek professional help.
Hi. Let me ask the audience a question: Did you ever lie as a child?
If you did, could you please raise your hand?
Wow! This is the most honest group of people I’ve ever met. (Laughter)
So for the last 20 years, I’ve been studying how children learn to tell lies.
And today, I’m going to share with you some of the discoveries we have made.
But to begin, I’m going to tell you a story from Mr. Richard Messina, who is my friend and an elementary school principal.
He got a phone call one day.
The caller says, “Mr. Messina, my son Johnny will not come to school today because he’s sick.”
Mr. Messina asks, “Who am I speaking to, please?” And the caller says, “I am my father.” (Laughter)
So this story — (Laughter) sums up very nicely three common beliefs we have about children and lying.
One, children only come to tell lies after entering elementary school.
Two, children are poor liars.
We adults can easily detect their lies.
And three, if children lie at a very young age, there must be some character flaws with them, and they are going to become pathological liars for life.
Well, it turns out all of the three beliefs are wrong.
We have been playing guessing games with children all over the world.
Here is an example.
So in this game, we asked children to guess the numbers on the cards.
And we tell them if they win the game, they are going to get a big prize.
But in the middle of the game, we make an excuse and leave the room.
And before we leave the room, we tell them not to peek at the cards.
Of course, we have hidden cameras in the room to watch their every move.
Because the desire to win the game is so strong, more than 90 percent of children will peek as soon as we leave the room. (Laughter)
The crucial question is:
When we return and ask the children whether or not they have peeked, will the children who peeked confess or lie about their transgression?
Truth Not Lies Board Showing Honesty
We found that regardless of gender, country, religion, at two years of age, 30 percent lie,
70 percent tell the truth about their transgression.
At three years of age, 50 percent lie and 50 percent tell the truth.
At four years of age, more than 80 percent lie.
And after four years of age, most children lie.
So as you can see, lying is really a typical part of development.
And some children begin to tell lies as young as two years of age.
So now, let’s take a closer look at the younger children.
Why do some but not all young children lie?
In cooking, you need good ingredients to cook good food.
And good lying requires two key ingredients.
The first key ingredient is theory of mind, or the mind-reading ability.
Mind reading is the ability to know that different people have different knowledge about the situation and the ability to differentiate between what I know and what you know.
Mind reading is important for lying because the basis of lying is that I know you don’t know what I know.
Therefore, I can lie to you.
The second key ingredient for good lying is self-control.
It is the ability to control your speech, your facial expression and your body language, so that you can tell a convincing lie.
And we found that those young children who have more advanced mind-reading and self-control abilities tell lies earlier and are more sophisticated liars.
As it turns out, these two abilities are also essential for all of us to function well in our society.
In fact, deficits in mind-reading and self-control abilities are associated with serious developmental problems, such as ADHD and autism.
So if you discover your two-year-old is telling his or her first lie, instead of being alarmed, you should celebrate — (Laughter)
because it signals that your child has arrived at a new milestone of typical development.
Now, are children poor liars?
Do you think you can easily detect their lies?
Would you like to give it a try?
Yes?
OK. So I’m going to show you two videos.
In the videos, the children are going to respond to a researcher’s question, “Did you peek?”
So try to tell me which child is lying and which child is telling the truth.
Truth Lies Buttons
Here’s child number one.
Are you ready? (Video)
Adult: Did you peek?
Child: No.
Kang Lee: And this is child number two. (Video)
Adult: Did you peek?
Child: No.
KL: OK, if you think child number one is lying, please raise your hand.
And if you think child number two is lying, please raise your hand.
OK, so as a matter of fact, child number one is telling the truth, child number two is lying.
Looks like many of you are terrible detectors of children’s lies. (Laughter)
Now, we have played similar kinds of games with many, many adults from all walks of life.
And we show them many videos. In half of the videos, the children lied.
In the other half of the videos, the children told the truth.
And let’s find out how these adults performed.
Because there are as many liars as truth tellers, if you guess randomly, there’s a 50 percent chance you’re going to get it right.
So if your accuracy is around 50 percent, it means you are a terrible detector of children’s lies.
So let’s start with undergrads and law school students, who typically have limited experience with children.
No, they cannot detect children’s lies.
Their performance is around chance.
Now how about social workers and child-protection lawyers, who work with children on a daily basis?
Can they detect children’s lies?
No, they cannot.
(Laughter) What about judges, customs officers and police officers, who deal with liars on a daily basis?
Can they detect children’s lies?
No, they cannot. What about parents?
Can parents detect other children’s lies?
No, they cannot.
What about, can parents detect their own children’s lies?
No, they cannot. (Laughter) (Applause) So now you may ask why children’s lies are so difficult to detect.
Let me illustrate this with my own son, Nathan. This is his facial expression when he lies. (Laughter)
So when children lie, their facial expression is typically neutral.
However, behind this neutral expression, the child is actually experiencing a lot of emotions, such as fear, guilt, shame and maybe a little bit of liar’s delight. (Laughter)
Unfortunately, such emotions are either fleeting or hidden.
Therefore, it’s mostly invisible to us. So in the last five years, we have been trying to figure out a way to reveal these hidden emotions.
Then we made a discovery.
We know that underneath our facial skin, there’s a rich network of blood vessels. When we experience different emotions, our facial blood flow changes subtly.
And these changes are regulated by the autonomic system that is beyond our conscious control.
By looking at facial blood flow changes, we can reveal people’s hidden emotions.
Unfortunately, such emotion-related facial blood flow changes are too subtle to detect by our naked eye.
So to help us reveal people’s facial emotions, we have developed a new imaging technology we call “transdermal optical imaging
.” To do so, we use a regular video camera to record people when they experience various hidden emotions.
And then, using our image processing technology, we can extract transdermal images of facial blood flow changes.
By looking at transdermal video images, now we can easily see facial blood flow changes associated with the various hidden emotions.
And using this technology, we can now reveal the hidden emotions associated with lying, and therefore detect people’s lies.
We can do so noninvasive, remotely, inexpensively, with an accuracy at about 85 percent, which is far better than chance level.
And in addition, we discovered a Pinocchio effect.
No, not this Pinocchio effect. (Laughter)
This is the real Pinocchio effect.
When people lie, the facial blood flow on the cheeks decreases, and the facial blood flow on the nose increases.
Of course, lying is not the only situation that will evoke our hidden emotions.
So then we asked ourselves, in addition to detecting lies, how can our technology be used?
One application is in education.
For example, using this technology, we can help this mathematics teacher to identify the student in his classroom who may experience high anxiety about the topic he’s teaching so that he can help him.
And also we can use this in health care. For example, every day I Skype my parents, who live thousands of miles away.
And using this technology, I can not only find out what’s going on in their lives but also simultaneously monitor their heart rate, their stress level, their mood and whether or not they are experiencing pain.
And perhaps in the future, their risks for heart attack or hypertension. And you may ask: Can we use this also to reveal politicians’ emotions? (Laughter)
For example, during a debate. Well, the answer is yes. Using TV footage, we could detect the politicians’ heart rate, mood and stress, and perhaps in the future, whether or not they are lying to us.
We can also use this in marketing research, for example, to find out whether or not people like certain consumer products.
We can even use it in dating. So for example, if your date is smiling at you, this technology can help you to determine whether she actually likes you or she is just trying to be nice to you.
And in this case, she is just trying to be nice to you. (Laughter)
So transdermal optical imaging technology is at a very early stage of development.
Many new applications will come about that we don’t know today.
However, one thing I know for sure is that lying will never be the same again.
The authoritative parenting style is thought to be one of the best choices for many families.
Parenting is tough, and it is hard to know which parenting style is going to be best for a family.
The way that you behave with your child is going to determine how your child is going to behave.
The authoritative parenting style is thought to be the choice that is most rewarding for both parents and children.
Parents who are authoritative are demanding but responsive at the same time.
This helps the child to have a good grasp on balance.
How the Authoritative Parenting Style Affects the Family
The influence of authoritative parenting can offer some positive things for the family.
The Ability to Solve Problems Reasonably
Children who are raised by authoritative parents are taught how to do things independently from a young age.
The child is still expected to follow the rules and has restrictions, but they can experience problem-solving on their own.
The child is well monitored, but they are supposed to work through problems without the parents giving them the answer.
The parents are going to make the final decisions, but they allow children to weigh in with their own opinions.
The best advantage for the children of learning to think for themselves means that peer pressure less tempts them.
Children are Happier
The authoritative parents are going to be involved with the child’s development in all areas.
This approach puts the children in the center of everything.
The parents work to create amazing memories, spend as much time as possible with the children, and put their children first.
The rewards for this type of behavior is that they have very happy children.
Children Understand How to Behave
Since parents talk to their children, the children grow up learning how to communicate effectively.
This leads to them having better social skills and communication.
These children have more tolerance of others, a more profound respect for adults, and can reduce feelings of frustration, anger, and stress.
This emotional balance will happen at a much younger age when a child has authoritative parents, and that means that they behave better when eating in restaurants, going out to places, and in school/classroom settings.
Children Develop Emotionally
Children who have authoritative parents are talked to more and feel like they are heard and understood.
Children are treated with respect and allowed to share their thoughts and feelings.
Parents talk through things with their children which leads to their children having better communication skills.
They also work through their child’s feelings when they are talking to them.
This teaches their child how to handle different situations better emotionally and helps their child understand how they can work through their feelings.
Authoritarian Parenting
Since emotions are looked at by the parents, the child is going to have better development.
Authoritative parenting is a very active parenting method that has outstanding results.
The primary keys to remember when practicing this type of parenting is to be empathetic and put yourself in your child’s shoes.
Ask your child for help in determining certain things but remember not to give up all of your authority to the child.
The child should still be expected to follow the rules and meet expectations.
By giving your child an opinion and nurturing that you will offer them the ability to grow and learn in new ways.
Parenting Style Authoritarian Parenting
I’m Dr. Ari Brown, and I’m going to explain what it means to be an authoritarian parent.
In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind studied preschoolers and their families, and identified different parenting styles characterized by parents’ expectations and responsiveness to their children.
Authoritarian parents placed high demands on their children, and believe that parents should have the power in the household.
Authoritarian parents tend to use negative forms of discipline.
They will take away privileges for poor behavior or resort to physical forms of punishment like spanking.
Authoritarian parents often have one-way communications.
They are not terribly responsive to a child’s feelings or opinions.
If a child questions the parent’s rules or approach, a parent might respond, “Because I said so.”
Authoritarian parents have firm rules ad expect those rules to be this way tend to rebel later in life.
As a pediatrician, I can tell you that I do not encourage this type of parenting style, nor do I recommend spanking.
You are your child’s role model, and you want to teach her to use her words, not her hands or her fists when she is frustrated.
It is much more effective to teach your child about the logical or natural consequence for inappropriate behavior than to spank her.
While it is certainly reasonable to expect your child to behave properly, you also wanna give your child a solid foundation that fosters her independence..
Learning how to tie shoelaces is something seems to come naturally to some children but is a massive struggle for others.
Knowing where your child can help you to utilize the following tips to help them best.
Create a Shoe Tying Board
One great way for children to learn how to tie their shoes is to be able to practice.
Having a shoe tying board is an excellent way for them to practice and turn it into a fun game.
All you need is a couple of shoelaces and a piece of cardboard.
You can even upcycle a box and make a table.
Trace a couple of shoes and then punch holes so that you can run the shoelaces through them.
Shoe Tying
Try Different Laces
Thin laces can be challenging to learn to tie with.
You want medium width laces. You want them to be wide but not too wide, so the common width ones are perfect.
Another significant advantage to thicker laces is that they tend to be more comfortable to keep tight while your child is learning to tie the bow part.
Make sure to choose laces that are made out of cotton or another synthetic material.
The laces that are made out of slippery materials are much harder to learn with.
Think About Your Method
There are so many methods out there.
If you try starting with a double starting knot, you might find that this can help beginners with keeping it tight enough. For some, this does not work, but for others, this is a key to their starting success.
Consider the Fit of the Shoes
One great thing for you to think about is finding shoes that are the perfect size.
If the shoe is already a little tight when you are starting it is going to make it easier as the shoes can be tied looser without causing problems with fit.
Check Out Training Laces
Training laces are great because they offer you laces that are two different colors.
This can help beginners. You can also color half of a white shoe lace black when your child is learning as this can help them too without having to buy something special.
tie shoelaces
Teach Children to Untie Shoes
If you want to have success with learning to tie shoes, it is going to take practice.
Make sure that your child is untying their shoes at night and not just slipping them on. Practicing will make perfect so it is important that they continue to untie them.
One Method to Teach Your Child to Tie Shoe Laces
This method is known as being an excellent tool for parents who want to teach their child how to tie their shoes quickly.
Step 1 – Cross the shoe laces like normal.
Step 2 – Take your right hand and put your thumb and first finger in front of the lace so that your fingers are facing you.
Take your left hand and place your thumb and ginger behind the lace with your fingers facing away from you.
You will be using your pinky fingers to help you grip the laces tightly at this point.
Step 3 – Pull your fingers towards you until the lace feels tight.
Then twist your fingers so that they are facing each other.
Step 4 – Now take your fingers and pinch the opposite laces in between them.
Step 5 – Pull the laces through.
You will end up with a well-tied shoe in a way that is easy for young children to learn.
It is suggested that this method is used with children between the ages of 4 and 6.
Shoe Tying Tutorial (with a Shoe Tying Trick)
For many kids, learning to tie their shoes can be a big challenge.
Kids with motor skills issues often have trouble coordinating both hands at the same time.
And some other kids may not be able to remember all the steps.
This can lead to a lot of frustration.
Here’s a simple shoe tying method that you can try with your child to reduce that frustration.
It’s a popular method that we’ve adapted specifically for kids with learning and attention issues.
One of the hardest parts for kids when tying shoes is bending over to reach their feet.
So start with a shoe on a table in front of your child facing away from him.
You don’t need to use two different colored laces, but it can help some kids to see how this works.
First, cross the laces, drop them, loop-de-loop, and pull them tight, just as you would if you were tying shoes the traditional way.
Second, cross the laces, drop them, loop-de-loop, and pull them, but leave a small circle.
Tying Shoe Laces
Third, take the end of one of the shoelaces and put it through the circle.
Repeat with the other shoelace.
Lastly, pull the loops of the shoelaces tight.
And there you go, you’ve tied your shoes!
The reason this method works well for kids is that it uses the same motion twice.
That makes it easier for kids to learn the motion and remember the steps.
Once kids have mastered tying shoes on a table, they can try it with their shoes on.
They can start by sitting down with one foot up on a stool to see what they’re doing.
Then, when they’re ready, they can tie their shoes while standing, kneeling, or sitting on the ground, whatever is most comfortable for them.
Kids with learning and attention issues need a lot of repetition and practice, but each child learns at his own pace, so just keep practicing until your child has mastered the steps..
Some parents miss the mark on raising happy children, but there is good news.
Raising happy children is not as hard as what you might think and with the following suggestions you can turn your family around today.
Get to Know Your Children
To have happy children it essential that you get to know them. Know who they are, what they want and what they like.
This is going to give you a great chance to have the family that you have always dreamed of.
Have a Positive Attitude
The more positive that you are with your children, the happier that they will be. Focusing on the negative is only going to cause them more stress and will not leave them feeling happy.
Did you realize that parents who are negative around their children are more likely to have aggressive children and that aggression in childhood is linked to assault as an adult?
Know When to Accept a Little Sass
There are many things that you should realize about children if you want them to be happy. Children need to show respect still, but they should be taught how to organize their thoughts in an argument.
Having this skill is critical to avoiding peer pressure and being happier in Jr high and high school.
Learn to Joke A Lot
The more you joke and play around with your kids, the happier that they are going to be.
Research shows that parents who are always joking with their children have much more content children.
Walk Away From Perfection
One of the things that you have to do is learn that no one is perfect. Perfection is just not possible and the sooner that you learn this, the sooner that you can move on to raising happy children. Learn that your child is going to make mistakes and that there is no way for them to be perfect. If you expect perfection, you will only wind up disappointed and have children who are not happy.
Work to Have a Healthy Marriage
Statistics prove that parents who have a healthy marriage have happier children. If you are divorced and want happy children, then it is essential that you get along and that neither one of you are talking bad about the other parent in front of your child.
Teach Your Child to Love Himself/Herself
It is so important that you teach your child about the importance of loving themselves. This is so that they can have a high level of self-esteem which matters if you want to have a happy child.
Let Go of Things
Although it can be tough to let go of things when your children are misbehaving, it is your best chance for having a happy child. Learning to let can take some time and requires you to put forth some effort, but it is something that you can do if you try.
Make Sure that You Take Care of Yourself
To have the happiest children, you need to make sure that you are happy as well. Taking care of your mental health and making sure that you get treatment as soon as symptoms start for things like depression are going to help you to raise happier children.
If You Are Mom to a Son
There is a lot of research that shows that sons who are close to their mothers are less likely to act out.
This information was published in the Journal of Child Development in 2010.
There is also information to show that how a child can treat their mother is going to reflect how they behave in their future relationships.
Thank you all for coming here today and for taking an hour of your busy schedules. Reality is five years ago, I would have never wasted an hour of my time attending a parenting presentation because I parented the way my parents did, quite strict.
But I thought I turned out OK, so why would I do things differently.
Until one day an event at home actually made me really wonder if I was doing things right.
So it was a Saturday. My four and a half year old daughter, Noor, was serving herself some salad.
She dropped a salad leaf on the table. I just asked nicely, oh, Noor, could you please pick this up. She ignored me. I said Noor, you dropped a salad leaf, please pick it up. She ignored me. Then I used my default method at the time, my technique to get my children to do things which was counting to three.
Anyone else count to three?
Show of hands?
Usually about 90% so the rest are probably– And I went OK, Noor, I’m counting to three.
I said one. Ignored me.
I said two. Ignored me again.
I went, Noor, you don’t want me to get to three, do you?
Two and a half.
Two and three-quarters.
And then I got to three.
And the reality is I had no idea what I was going to do. The only thing I knew was my authority was based on that and the fear of getting to three.
And it used to work so well and suddenly it didn’t. Unfortunately I did not react the best way possible. I actually started screaming and shouting. And I pulled her up, put her in her room. Lecturing her, how dare you let me get to three. Do you realize what that means? But I realized that day that actually my whole authority was based out of the fear that my children had. And they were doing this out of fear so I was really managing my fear.
And that’s what I’m going to talk to you about today and how much parallels there are between leadership skills and parenting skills. So the outline for today is actually explain to you how I learned that parenting skills can be improved. Then I’m going to talk to you about what parenting and leadership have in common. Then we’re going to actually work together on defining what the key leadership skills are. And finally, I’ll show you how to apply some of these workplace skills at home. So I’ll share with you five very effective tools to replace the typical basically, well, the one, two, three, the parenting by fear or parenting by rewards actually, because it’s the carrot and stick approach. My objective here today is really to give you alternatives to the carrot and stick approach that are so ingrained in our culture. Because it’s all about usually rewards, punishment, threats, and management basically by fear or rewards. So hopefully you’ll leave here with an alternative to that. So how did it all start? Well, I already explained, I was a stricter parent.
And my wife was actually a lot more, let’s say, lenient. I sometimes say permissive although she doesn’t like it. And so that’s how our daily interactions look like. And the problem is actually the more, the harsher I was and the kinder she was. So I had, I had clearly had the bad cop role, she had the good cop role. Anyone else experience this at home?
Yeah, about 60%. Well, actually it’s– the research shows that it’s 75% of parents argue about how to parent.
And more than 50% of these arguments are about how to discipline children.
So that’s what we experience on a daily basis. And it was, I mean it almost got to break point, particularly after the incident, the salad leaf incident that I mentioned.
And thankfully, my wife reacted very well to that. And she actually started looking for things she could do better. So she stopped blaming me for being the strict parent and the harsher parent. And she started looking at ways she could improve. And she actually started proving to me that she could get obedience and respect without having to shout and punish.
And that’s finally, she had– I was listening. So instead of just telling me oh, here’s this parenting book you should read. And I’d tell her oh, please give me an exact summary and show me how it works. I don’t have time for this. Well, finally she actually did it. And she showed me that– so she became, she actually set better limits. She became more consistent.
And it really changed the whole family dynamic. And so I became interested in and I became softer. And so I started looking at the research, becoming interested in the subject. And I realized how much parallels there were between leadership and parenting.
And actually that parenting skills, like leadership skills can be learned and can be honed. And that’s what I’m going to talk to you about today. So first, let’s start with leadership.
Obviously there are so many definitions, so I picked one that’s actually quite broad, but I think really shows what we want to do with our children. It’s from Dwight Eisenhower and it says, leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something we want done because they want to do it. Isn’t that what we are trying to achieve on a daily basis with our children? Wouldn’t it be great if we had tools to actually get them to do things because they want to do it, not because we’re telling them over and over again, you’ve got to do this.
Please do this, do that, et cetera, giving them orders all day long. Well, so that’s very much, actually leadership and parenting have a lot of parallels. And what they have in common, I really like this quote from Simon Sinek, who you probably know, author of “Start With Why”, it’s “Great leaders are able to inspire people to act.
Those who are able to inspire give people a sense of purpose or belonging that has little to do with any external incentive or benefit to be gained.” If you replace the word leaders with parents, here. So great parents are able to inspire the children to act. Those who are able to inspire give children a sense of purpose of belonging that has little to do with any external incentive or benefit to be gained. And this is really very much, that’s exactly what we were saying about moving from the carrot and stick approach to the inspiring and leading by example.
Another great quote from Jack Welch, former CEO of GE is “before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself.
When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.” Again, if you replace the word leaders with parents here, is before you are a parent, success is all about growing yourself. But when you become a parent, success is really about growing your children.
So the last quotes I’m going to show you are about why leadership is actually here, in this sense, is different from management. So because I spoke about management by fear and that’s exactly, we want to replace it with leadership. And so management is about arranging and telling, while leadership is about nurturing and enhancing. And as Klaus Balkenhol, Olympic champion said, “there is a difference between being a leader and being a boss.
Both are based on authority. A boss demands blind obedience, while a leader earns his authority through understanding and trust.” So why don’t we give a go at actually defining what the key leadership skills. What have you experienced, either as a manager– and actually something that’s worked really well for you in inspiring your teams. Or if you’ve been basically, you’ve had managers and leaders who have really inspired you, what are the key things that they’ve done well that you remember? AUDIENCE: Great communication.
Great communication.
You can shoot, I can do several things at the same time.
Being emphatic.
NADIM SAAD: Empathetic.
AUDIENCE: Having a plan.
NADIM SAAD: Sorry?
AUDIENCE: Having a plan.
NADIM SAAD: Having a plan. Right.
AUDIENCE: They show you. So they’re an example of what they’re asking.
Yeah, it’s a different– actually if you don’t mind, I’ll later put this into emotional intelligence.
Empathetic listening are very much about being– yes?
AUDIENCE: Stay calm during crisis.
NADIM SAAD: Stay calm during crisis. Anything else that comes to mind?
AUDIENCE: They know when to delegate.
NADIM SAAD: Delegation. So–
AUDIENCE: They’re inspirational.
NADIM SAAD: Inspirational.
AUDIENCE: Having a purpose or vision.
NADIM SAAD: Vision and purpose.
AUDIENCE: Have fun.
NADIM SAAD: Sorry, I didn’t hear that.
AUDIENCE: Have fun.
NADIM SAAD: Have, fun, OK.
OK, fun, can I also say positive attitude in there?
AUDIENCE: They serve as your advocate.
NADIM SAAD: Sorry, I have space for two more.
AUDIENCE: They serve as your advocate.
NADIM SAAD: They’re–
AUDIENCE: Serves as an advocate.
NADIM SAAD: Serve?
AUDIENCE: As an advocate.
NADIM SAAD: Advocate, they– sorry.
AUDIENCE: They advocate for their team.
NADIM SAAD: They advocate for their team, yeah.
AUDIENCE: A safe place to fail.
NADIM SAAD: And I heard safe place to fail. Yes, very good.
AUDIENCE: And also that [INAUDIBLE].
NADIM SAAD: Well, I absolutely love doing this exercise every time. This is a great list. And you’ll see, no surprise, I’ll have my list at the end.
It’s the same. So thank you very much. And actually I’m going to hopefully show you five tools, well, not hopefully. I’m going to show you five tools that use all of these skills and how to find them at home.
So the first one is about strategy and anticipating issues.
I’d like to share with you a story of, so we had just moved home. I had a six-year-old and a four-year-old at that time. And they were arriving half an hour late for breakfast, which meant no breakfast. We didn’t have time so we had to just rush to school.
So I sat them with, sat down with them on Sunday. And I asked my six-year-old, Noor, how long do you need to get dressed in the morning? She answered, two minutes. I said, OK, so you’re actually currently taking half an hour for something you could do in two minutes.
OK, so what can you do differently? And she actually came up with the idea that why don’t we write down timings so that we actually know what time we should be going down. I said that’s a great idea. Let’s do it. It was actually a two hour, in the end, a two hour activity where the kids, I took photos of the kids as they were doing the different activities. So making their bed, brushing their teeth, their hair, getting dressed. And then we put it in order.
They actually ordered the way they wanted. And we put timings, they didn’t really have a sense of time, particularly four-year-old at the time.
But I helped them with that. Turned out actually to be one of the best things we’ve ever done. Because the next day, they arrived half an hour earlier than usual.
We had lots of time to have breakfast and have lots of fun. Anyone actually already uses routines? Creates a routine? Yeah. Yeah, kind of. About 20% to 25%.
Do you involve your children in doing in creating this routine?
Yeah. Quite, some yes, some no. Well, it’s very much, it is very much valuable. And so the idea of creating routines is really steps and schedule to make them the boss. So with younger children as I just used, you can have photos of these different steps and I’ll ask them to reorder them as they want. With older children, agree on a schedule with them.
What’s important about this is really about using this as– so the routine becomes the boss as in, what are you supposed to do now, instead of oh, you still didn’t brush your teeth. What have you put in your schedule? What have you put in your routine? And automatically it gives an ownership and empowerment to the children to want to do things.
And so it removes a lot of the resistance that we experience in the morning. The other one about being strategic is redesign agreement’s is realizing where are our key issues. And often, it’s going to be a supermarket or when we go to a friend’s house, you know.
And it’s all about agreeing with your children what’s OK with you, so clarifying expectations at any age.
So for younger children, for example, you can use what we call an “I” message. I take children to the supermarket who will listen to me, who will not be trying to buy everything on the shelf or take it or touching everything on the shelves and et cetera, what works for you. And ideally you involve them. So you say for example, you will help me put things that are on your list, list of your things.
So there are usually actually very good supermarkets in doing this and putting them at the right height. And also for example, I’m willing to buy you one thing under two, three pounds, whatever works for you. Just having this expectation, having clarified this, and if you want role play. Role play is great for example for when you go to your friend’s house.
And you instead of going oh, say hello, say goodbye, say thank you. I mean how often do we repeat these things to our children? Well, the reality is instead if we role play and ask them so granny is going to say hello, what are you going to say? Oh, hello. OK, she’s going to give you a piece of cake. What do you need to do? Oh, I’ll say thank you. Just going through that with them, when I’m talking here about younger children, will enable them to get it in their long term memory. And you’ll be a lot surer that they actually do this regularly rather than you having to repeat it to them all the time. So that’s about being more strategic. Effective communication, obviously great communication is so important. And reality is often it’s not all about what we say but how we say it.
So can you try and guess how many orders and commands a child gets every hour on average? Is it 5 to 10, 10 to 20, 20 to 30, 30 to 40? Any guesses? AUIDENCE: I would say 20. AUDIENCE: 30 to 40. NADIM SAAD: 30 to 40. 40. Wow, first time I guessed the exact– it’s actually 34.
Very good.
So it’s 34 orders.
How would it go down with you if you’re actually, your boss gave you 34 orders every hour?
Yeah, you can imagine. So it actually explains very well the resistance they have from the age of two, three. I mean they’ve received so many orders through their childhood and so many no’s that is pretty normal for them to react like this.
So what are the alternatives? What is great communication with children? It is actually trying to replace at least 90% of these orders with first [INAUDIBLE] of all questions.
So think about actually is this new information. So every time you say something to your child, it’s like is this new information? Do you think that 90%, about 90% will probably be new, you know, old information?
And so instead of repeating yourself, ask them, what are you– so the same with creative [INAUDIBLE], you know, what are you supposed to do now?
What do we do when we come out, you know, when before we leave after we come back from whatever your rules are, they know them.
So put them in thinking mode a lot more and they’ll actually be a lot less resistant. Question works also very well when they make a mistake. What are you going to do now? Because usually we tell them or take them out.
For example, they spill something. Take them up, do this, do that, because we’re quite annoyed. Well actually, giving them the opportunity to correct their mistake and have a safe place to fail, you know, is essential.
And so that’s what is really replacing our orders with so asking questions. The other one, which is also questions is limited choices. Anyone uses limited choices? So it’s not like, oh, what do you want for breakfast this morning? And then you never get an answer. Or you reflect because it creates anxiety. It’s actually much better to say would you like porridge or cereals? Would you like juice or milk? So all limited choices actually keep our children in thinking mode and removes a lot of the resistance that we experience. And I’m talking at any age.
You know, we just think oh, they’re old enough. Come on why am I going to give them choices?
Well actually, 10-year-olds, 12-year-olds, they prefer choices to hey, you didn’t do that or you forgot to do this.
The other way about effective communication is actually reducing the use of no. No is actually one of the most dangerous words in the world.
Research shows that it reduces the motivation.
It affects us actually physically. And it’s a word that we repeat so often. Often actually we start our sentences with no when we want to say yes.
So I challenge you to try and start most of your sentences with yes, at home and at work by the way. And it’s yes, and if it doesn’t work for you, it’s yes and we can do this later.
For example, I want an ice cream. Yes, sure, you can have it at the weekend. That’s our rule at home. Yes, yes, yes, but redirect.
You’ll see the difference.
Instead of going OK, no, I want one. They’ll go, oh, OK.
Or ask a question. Is it time to have an ice cream?
So really it’s the same tools you use at work to motivate your teams or actually have a good relationship with your colleagues. I challenge you to do more of this at home.
Other big theme, leading by example. And instead of do as I say and not as I do, you know, do as I say and as I do. And as I was doing research, I realized the huge defining moments for me. I realized that I was making it harder for my children to do what I was asking from them. I would often say, stop crying. Calm down. Anyone else? Stop crying.
Calm down. Pretty common. Well actually what the research shows is that when we do this, they are probably already in what we call fight or flight mode.
They’re already in a state where they’re really finding it hard to get out of it. When we raise our voices and we say stop crying, calm down, actually it increases the level of cortisol in their body. Instead of coming back to their prefrontal cortex, this logical part of the brain where we want them to be.
They’re actually in their primitive brain, where we also called the chimp in some management books. And so if we actually– I realized that I was making it harder for them to do these things.
While what we should do is actually anticipate a lot of issues as we saw earlier and help them get out. You know, replace the cortisol with oxytocin, with dopamine. So the right hormones to actually be wanting to do things. And so I actually had a big experience when Noor was five and she spoke to me for the first time in an incredibly disrespectful voice. And I just was going to just fly off the wall, I mean I was so angry.
But I realize that we were both in our chimp, in our primitive brain. So I used what I call ABC.
So A for acknowledge my feelings, I’m very angry.
B for breathe.
And C for choice.
And actually I made the choice to remove myself from the situation rather than lecture her and scold her right there and then.
And as I gave myself some time I realized that she spoke in exactly the same way as I had been doing for the last few years. And the problem is actually they’ve got deferred memory.
So it only came out at five. So for the ones who have younger children, hopefully you can still correct things so that you don’t end up having children actually speak to you in exactly the same way you speak to them.
And obviously it’s not respectful, you can’t speak to another like this. But ideally we should be leading by example. And obviously that applies, it’s easy to apply this to stricter parents and parents who get angry. But I also want to share with you a story of a couple who seemed like the absolutely most amazing perfect parents.
And they had a daughter called Lisa.
And they simply adored her and they decided to give her unconditional love. So as she was brought up, they’d take her everywhere with them.
Until the age of two, they didn’t even take a night out together. And so when she turned two, they decided to book a babysitter. And they told Lisa, oh, we booked a babysitter.
They canceled the babysitter. Then Lisa turned out to be this lovely girl. She grew up to– always very generous like giving her lunch whenever someone else didn’t have lunch, always being responsible for brownies at parties. But unfortunately when she turned 14, she became angry, resentful and her parents could not understand. And so they kept telling her but we sacrificed everything for you, how can you treat us like this. So they went to see a psychiatrist, friend of theirs. They told the story. And he said, well unfortunately you trained her that way.
What do you mean?
We did everything, we’ve been so nice and– what do you mean we train her that way? He told them well, unfortunately actions speak louder than words.
And what you’ve modeled is actually that your needs were not so important. And her needs– you didn’t model how to say no. You didn’t actually develop her frustration and disappointment muscle. So what’s happening to her is simply that she cannot cope. She does not have the coping mechanism of emotions to manage her emotions.
And so that was a huge realization for my wife, who actually tended to be more like this.
And so you can see that from both sides of the spectrum. So leading by example is really about actions that speak louder than words.
So how could you implement this on a daily basis? For example, if you want your children to be grateful, you can actually show gratitude. If you want them to be– so for example, if you want them to know how to fail and how to accept mistakes, you can share your mistakes. We do that during our dinners when we manage to have dinner together. We share the mistakes we made and what we learned from them.
Because we realized that our children were starting to be perfectionists, which is actually very common nowadays.
So you can implement, you can really lead by example and bring these things into your daily lives. So hopefully you won’t have, you will have good followers. So I want to actually ask you, I’m sure that you have regular meetings, interim meetings at work.
Surely that’s quite regular and common. So what are actually the goals and objectives of these meetings?
Or why do you have internal meetings?
Can you give me ideas?
AUDIENCE: We talk through what’s happening.
NADIM SAAD: So talk through. So basically you’re discussing–
AUDIENCE: Like the agenda.
NADIM SAAD: Yeah, agenda. Sure. So we’re basically, we’re kind of planning, [INAUDIBLE] for a weekend planning.
Anything else?
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE] .
NADIM SAAD: Assess performance.
Does that actually happen on a weekly basis?
Anything else?
AUDIENCE: To reach agreements.
NADIM SAAD: Reach agreements. So negotiate?
Yeah, so negotiate.
Would it be solve solutions and negotiate to agree on solutions to problems or just negotiate?
OK.
AUDIENCE: Highlight problems.
NADIM SAAD: Highlight problems.
AUDIENCE: Praise and recognition.
NADIM SAAD: Praise and recognition.
Yes, so can I add to this that it would be motivating maybe as well?
So you get the motivation to– get recognition to motivate.
AUDIENCE: Setting expectations.
NADIM SAAD: Set expectations. OK. I’ll– one last one.
AUDIENCE: Strengthen relationships.
NADIM SAAD: Strengthen relationship, yeah, bonding, strengthen relationships. Great, and I like that we finished on that.
Because when you see this list, can you see how it would be useful to have this at home as well. Bonding, set expectations, praise and recognition, highlight problems, and address them, obviously problem solving, reach agreements. So now I have a question for you is how many of you have regular family meetings on a weekly basis?
Great question.
Meals do not count.
It’s usually 5%.
Come on, tell me someone has a regular meeting.
Once a week?
No.
OK, well this is really the most important tool in the book. So thanks for being honest. And family meetings are actually run very much like a business meeting. They’ve got– and for doing it once a week because what you don’t want is actually for children to think that you’re only doing them when there’s a big problem.
Because otherwise they become reluctant to do them while the idea is to have a real motivation to do them because it is a real bonding experience. So elect a chairperson and a secretary. The reason for this is because if you don’t, then they can go completely– you need someone to manage. But the secretary is really important, and actually children from the age of five, six, love to take the secretary and actually just write the minutes down.
And agenda, of course, we need agenda. And actually on the agenda, we start with compliments and gratitude.
So for example, our five-year-old daughters told our three-year-old daughter at some point, Yasmin, thank you for biting me less this week. And that actually came from a previous family meeting the week before where we gave Yasmin ideas on how she could bite less. So it had worked quite well.
What each family member is proud of, that’s actually something that at seven, our daughter said oh, can I talk to myself. I’m grateful for actually having finished “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and reading so much better. We said, oh, so you’re proud of this.
Yeah, sure, of course you can be proud of yourself.
And actually it’s a great moment to show what we’re proud of as adults and to lead by example.
And for our children to know how to focus on the positives and not just the negatives.
Yeah?
AUDIENCE: Personal related like as in only family related? Or would you talk about work [INAUDIBLE]?
NADIM SAAD: So it is only, so the question is about whether it’s work or family related.
It’s actually family related. There’s already so much to talk about on a weekly basis or even if you do it bi-weekly, it’s really, it’s really effective. It completely changes the family dynamic. So the next step, which is really the one that every parent wants to get to is the needs, problem solving.
Let’s actually address all the issues we have. So the way we did it, so it was– so the girls already had an idea of what a family meeting was. And that day we asked them what their needs were. So that’s what’s so important is actually for children to feel that they also have their needs met.
They’ll start probably with oh, I want to go to Disneyland Paris and they want to do this and that. We tell them oh, sure, we’ll put this on the agenda for the future.
But right now do you have any needs? So my four-year-old daughter said daddy, I’d like you to shout less. I was going to go, but I’m really shouting so much less. Don’t you see the efforts I’m making. I mean you should– come on. And then I was going to go, well you make me shout. I stopped myself in my tracks and I said, oh, you want me to shout less.
Well, I’d love to do that actually and I promise I’m going to make a conscious effort. But so why don’t we actually as a family think about what we could do to have less screaming or generally because there is quite a bit of shouting in the family. So we brainstorm and actually realize that a lot of shouting happened in the morning. Because, you know, this great routine that we created.
The problem is now they had half an hour to have all the time to– for breakfast and fun. Well, we still ended up being late for school because then by the time we told them OK, now it’s time to get ready, to get– finalize the dressing so we can get out the door.
It take 15 minutes instead of the 2 or 3 that it should take. So we brainstorm ideas. And actually I said you could actually wake up earlier so you’d have to go to sleep earlier. They said no, no that doesn’t work because we wouldn’t see then. You come back late from work. So no, no. Let’s try something else. So they actually came up with a simple idea, just remind us by singing. So unfortunately I had to sing, “Let us go. Let us go.” it was a big “Frozen” mania. And so I said, really you want me to do this, I hate singing.
OK.
OK, I’ll do that. Next morning, I went, “Let us go. Let us go.” They put their skates on, they were like two minutes.
They were ready at the door. I was like, wow, that looks like magic.
Well the reality is it’s because they found the solution, because they agreed on this.
Whether, I mean we also use now, thankfully they don’t ask me to sing too much.
But they asked me for example to use respect. So if– or rewind. So if they’ve done something that they’re not supposed to do, instead of immediately lecture them.
They have an opportunity by saying rewind. For example, they have an opportunity to do it better. And this is the amazing way for them to acknowledge their mistake and to actually practice doing things better. So and that all came out of our family meetings and our problem solving sessions.
So in summary, the way to do a problem solving session is you say, what can we do about it. Then you generate possible alternate solution together.
Ideally you find more than one solution so they can really, you can get buy in. You know how at work, if just someone comes up with a solution and you just get on, you just think I’m sure there was a better idea. And so ideally you find two or three solutions and all agree on what the best one is.
And after each option you should ask, how would that work for you to really empower your children to choose the best option. So you will decide together on the best acceptable solution.
And finally, we ask them how would you like to be reminded. So in they’re– in this case, they wanted to be reminded with the singing or with a word like respect or rewind.
And then finally, I would suggest particularly with older children to ask them what the consequence would be if they don’t end up complying. You know, you do tell them. Look, I totally trust that we’ve done this together and you’ve agreed so you’re going to do it. But sometimes, you know, we slip in life, it happens.
And so if you agree on a consequence, and in this case, actually the agreement was in the case of what I– the story I just told you, was that they would have to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier. So it wasn’t, it’s not a punishment, it’s not a– it’s just a simple natural logical consequence of their actions.
And the more you do this, the more they actually start realizing that it’s not about punishment.
And it’s just that in life, you just have normal consequences to your actions.
And so that’s a great way to achieve this. So how do you create a shared purpose?
Actually is the final point is you also either do a problem solving session or you do what we call I mean you try and instill a family culture.
The reality is company culture happens whether we want it to or not.
And actually as you know we spend, I mean the company spends so much money on making sure that the culture is communicated, that we all are aware of it. Well, in our family lives, unfortunately often we don’t realize that we are creating a culture whether we want it or not.
So my intention here is just to make you realize that by becoming more intentional about it, it’s much better.
So how we define a family culture, it’s the unique way that a family forms itself in terms of rules, roles, habits, activities, beliefs, and other areas. And you can imagine that these things just happen naturally. So actually when we become more intentional about them, it enables us to decide what we want to be as a family.
Have more vision and strategy. So fun, sporty, kind, curious, what are the values we want to give to our children. You know, care of self, care for others. Effort is good. Whatever works for you, every family is different. But just becoming more conscious and strategic about this can make a huge difference to your children as they grow. And so ask yourself, what actions can lead to this? Agree during a family meeting that OK, let’s do more of this because we want to be like this as a family.
And try actually if you have all the children. Ask them, what do you think our values are?
Do kind of what we call a two minute quiz. So OK, tell us in three, four words what you feel that we are as a family.
And you’d be surprised sometimes at the answers they give, they can give you. And so ideally you actually, if you’re not happy with the answers then you get an opportunity to discuss these and make sure that you correct things before it’s too late. So overall, you want to finish on a positive note.
Because it’s like sandwich or like feedback, sorry, you want to do it as a sandwich. Positive, so compliments and gratitude. Then you put the problem solving, the part where you know, hey, we’ve got problems. Let’s solve them. But you want to finish on a positive note. So after problem solving and family culture, we plan activities and family fun.
You know, what we usually do in work meetings as well. Play a family game if you’ve got time. Because obviously these things, sometimes you skip the problem solving because we don’t have problems. We just use the family meeting as a bonding session. So we have time for a family game. And it’s a bit cheesy, but we always finish with a family hug and the children love it.
So overall, I wanted to check with you. What leadership skills do you feel that we’ve used actually coming back to everything you’ve defined?
Well, I mean, I promised I would show you my list. Well, here it is. Vision and strategy. So family culture, anticipating issues, it’s very much about vision and strategy. Leading by example, I think I went through that in detail. Effective communication, you know, the replacement of all the negative, the negatives, the orders with more motivating techniques.
Collaborative as well as directive. You know, it’s very important to actually when you do a family meeting, you’re asking them to also collaborate to find solutions to their problems, to empower them. Emotional intelligence, ability to listen, to be empathetic with our children. Motivating and inspiring. Valuing mistakes as opportunities for learning. As we said, you know, teaching them to fail and lead by example. Positive attitude and flexibility pragmatism. Trust and integrity. And finally, something we couldn’t be parents without is determination and commitment. And I want to acknowledge you all as parents because we have a tough job. And so hopefully the session has given you a bit more ideas on how to address these challenging times and really find solutions.
And realize that actually it is all about being a leader at home as we want to be leaders at work. And by applying these techniques, we can really make our family lives easier and more harmonious.
Thank you.
SPEAKER 2:
Right, thank you, Nadim. It’s quarter past 1:00, and so we have about 10 minutes for questions or so. And please use the mic to ask the question.
Any questions from the floor?
AUDIENCE: Yeah, I was just wondering about ages where you can start some of this. Because I’ve got young children so I totally see the benefit of what you’re talking about.
But I also think they are not going to get it yet.
So when–
NADIM SAAD: Can I ask how old your children are?
AUDIENCE: Two and zero.
NADIM SAAD: Well, congratulations on the– two actually is a great age to start, particularly limited choices, asking questions.
Making sure, basically you want to remove the resistance that comes with– I don’t know if you’re, I mean autonomy, there is this need for autonomy identity that comes in human beings. And it comes in peaks. It comes at two, that’s what explains the terrible twos.
It comes back at 12, which is adolescence and older people. It comes back at 40. It explains a lot of the midlife crisis.
And then again at 80. So two is really a great moment to start and apply a lot of basically remove the resistance.
Creating routines, you know, everything basically a lot of the– leading by example can start at any age. I hope you can use some, I mean we have talks that is more specific for younger children. But I hope that some of the ideas here, you can definitely commend.
AUDIENCE: Thanks.
AUDIENCE: Thank you.
The kind of frustration I guess that I have with my kids is that, and this could go on by the way.
The frustration, I think is that the ability for me to or the inability of me to articulate kind of do the boring stuff to get to the fun stuff. So that brushing teeth, and I get what you’re saying about routine, but I guess I have trouble articulating. Like it’ll take you two minutes to brush your teeth. And then you get 20 minutes to mess about. And the whole process to get them from start to finish will take 25 minutes. You know what I mean.
NADIM SAAD: I totally, totally–
AUDIENCE: I need help articulating that to them. Please, please help.
NADIM SAAD: Yes. And I agree. I still get frustrated at this. Because actually it’s understanding what is age appropriate is the hardest– was the hardest bit for me. Realizing that actually the prefrontal cortex, so this logical part of the brain, understanding what the consequences of our actions, that takes until the age of 25.
That’s actually when we become really adults, when our prefrontal cortex stops growing. Until then, unfortunately they don’t have hindsight.
They don’t realize that oh, of course, I mean unless we do it outside of the actions, which is why the whole idea of routines, of problem solving, is doing when they’re not already in this kind of resistance and outside of the prefrontal cortex.
And so these tools to remind them that we agree that it’s much better. Because outside, so you do a problem solving session, you say, would you prefer to dress for 25 minutes and then have 2 minutes to play?
Or do you have to dress for 2 minutes and actually play for 25?
They’ll go, play 25, dress 2 minutes.
Great.
OK.
And that’s where you’re going to say, OK, well we have agreement on that.
What can I do to remind you that this is what you want?
They’ll give you an idea and I promise, try it at home, you will– I mean it’s not going to work 100% of the time.
But it’s going to work, particularly at the beginning if you’re consistent about it, because they– you empowered them to decide for themselves and you reminded them in a nice fun way.
So it unfortunately takes more effort. But unfortunately that’s what our children have to go through. We’re here to coach them to really develop this prefrontal cortex.
Because what we want is for them to reach adolescence and not make huge mistakes. And mistakes suffer from inflation.
So the younger they make mistakes, the better.
Because when they’re 14, 15, and they go into a car with someone who’s drunk et cetera, you want them to anticipate, to realize the consequences of this. And so the more we actually teach them the consequences of their actions early on, the better– well, the more their prefrontal cortex is going to be developed and the better they’re going to react to this.
So it takes more time, but it’s so worth it. Because then you get into this really, you have this shared purpose and this sense of motivation to want to do things because they want to do them, not because we’re after them. And because you could, you could be playing. Come on. Very frustrating, but.
AUDIENCE: I have a lovely adorable daughter. Well, until she turned 19 months and she realized she can have an opinion. We are struggling, me and my wife, to figure out how do we negotiate with her. She’s 19 months, she can’t understand what we want to tell her.
But she realized she can have an opinion. She can wake up and say, I’m not going to sleep. We don’t just let her cry herself to sleep. But we want to, find out a way of negotiating with her. She will say she will not have breakfast this morning. She doesn’t like the milk is too cold, it’s too old. So it’s–
NADIM SAAD: Thanks for the question. It is very much, if I may, I think the word negotiation is in itself– I mean, ideally you move away from negotiating with your children.
Because otherwise everything turns out and turns into a negotiation. So what we want is actually for them to have a sense of control.
That’s crucial. That’s so for them not to be a two and just be resistant and not want to do anything. But so giving them limited choices.
So for example, do you want your milk cold or hot?
So you’re anticipating the issue before she tells you oh, I want my milk hot actually.
So you allow her to make decisions based on limited choices, that will be usually helpful. But you do not negotiate. And then if it’s actually she decided she wanted it cold. And she then goes no, actually I want it hot. Just like oh, next time Darling. Today you decided cold. Because otherwise it’s her way for– it’s her way to control you.
Because they do have this need for control. So don’t get me wrong, it’s totally normal. It’s age appropriate.
But you want to teach them that they can have control, but on your terms.
Otherwise they’re running the show. And then you’ve got a really difficult life because it all turns out into a negotiation. So limited choices, asking questions, and enforceable statements, which is another one I didn’t really mention. For example, children in this house who want to have dessert must have eaten their meal, for example. So instead of, if you don’t do this, you won’t get that, which is very threatening and it really creates opposition. You try and create more positive ways. So as soon as you’ve done that, you can do this. So it doesn’t put the child in resistance mode. I hope that helps.
AUDIENCE: Next to being, like giving them control, do you have some suggestions on how to let them break rules and be [INAUDIBLE]?
Because I mean that’s why they are wired to a certain age to them and try to break the rules.
How would you suggest to do that?
NADIM SAAD: So the question is how often should you let them break the rules?
Or should you let them break the rules at all? I mean what’s was the question?
AUDIENCE: So the question stems from the fact that they are wired to break the rule at some point.
And feeling that giving them too much of this management leadership style might then transform them into anarchists, they just want to avoid all of that when they are teenagers.
So how do you allow for an element of breaking the rules?
NADIM SAAD: OK, so it’s– well, that’s a tough one because my wife and I would answer differently.
Because she would allow more exceptions. Because of my parenting style, I allow less exceptions. And I think that’s what we’re talking about here.
My view of life is actually there are rules everywhere and actually my children have to teach– have to learn that early on. So I wouldn’t allow for a lot of breaking rules.
To make up for that, they are not allowed to break up many rules, there are some exceptions. So I say, OK, you know what, I’ll make an exception.
Go ahead, for example, break a rule that is not, you know, is not so important for me or so choose your battles. It’s fine. But the rest of the time, I make it clear that that’s the rule.
But to make up for that rigidity, you actually create a lot of autonomy within– you offer a lot of choices.
You anticipate a lot of issues by actually having covered it, by being collaborative. So they feel they have a say and they are empowered.
And they feel they’ve got a shared purpose and belonging. As long as you have this, you’d be surprised that children actually are a lot less intent on breaking the rules just to break them.
They break them because they just feel, they’re like oh my god, there are so many rules.
I can’t bear all this. So as long as you give enough control and autonomy, children will actually learn to make mistakes and it’s fine, but there are consequences to this. So they learn that there are consequences for mistakes.
It’s not big punishment and oh, horrible. It’s actually, the idea is not to make children feel worse in order to do better.
It’s for them to always feel good and to want to be in this family and want to do things correctly because they see that otherwise, you know, my parents are not going to be happy.
Or it’s not actually counter to the way the family functions. So hopefully it’s that, you know, it’s for you to decide how many exceptions you’re going to make.
But if you make too many, then you’re letting them run the show and not realize there is a consequence and that there are rules while you want to teach them the rules.
AUDIENCE: So sometimes breaking rules or at least perceived rules can be a good thing. Are you concerned or is there any evidence to show or counter evidence that you’re going to end up raising a child who isn’t capable of breaking rules when we see rules as an adult? Because I want my son to be able to break rules sometimes.
NADIM SAAD: Totally, again, it’s– I mean, it’s a similar question and I understand that. And it’s funny because I rarely get these kind of questions.
And clearly Google is very much, it is part of the Google culture.
And I think that’s great. I think it’s, you know, you want to be– to question, you know, the rules and then otherwise you can’t actually create a lot. I think it’s about finding this right balance as I was explaining.
But really it’s offering a lot of autonomy and a lot of opportunities to do things differently and to decide what the rules are.
So for example, in the problem solving session, you’re not imposing your rule on your children.
You’re telling them, OK, that’s what we want as an outcome as a family.
So what are the right rules for our family to achieve this? And sometimes you’ll go against your feeling like, oh my god, really?
But you’ll go with it.
And you’ll just go, you know, OK.
I mean, I don’t really agree but I’ll go with that.
That in itself is kind of a way to teach them to think differently, to think outside of the box, and to find solutions to problems.
I think that’s what we want to achieve. Just breaking the rules for the sake of breaking them is kind of goes, it will go against you.
And sometimes, and it’s fine, they have to make mistakes by the way.
So it’s not like that we’re going to create these perfect kids who never break the rules.
It’s just when they break them, instead of getting angry and thinking, oh my god how dare you do that, it’s actually oh, so sad. You know what the rules are. So that’s a mistake.
It’s OK and that’s the consequence that you agreed on.
And then instead of going no, that’s not fair. They’ll go, yeah, I mean I decided this consequence. It’s fine. You know, and it’s tough. It can be tough, but it’s fine.
I hope that answers.
AUDIENCE: Right, thanks for the talk. My kids are 8 and 12 and we have some routines that work quite well for us.
But then we have some which have been really non established, and which we would like to change because they don’t necessarily work out now. So for example, we used to always get into do some kind of practice after dinner.
But we find these days that perhaps everybody’s a bit tired then and piano practice can get a bit confrontational. And we’d like to bring it earlier in the day maybe before dinner and say then we’re met with big resistance. I wonder if you have tips on how to kind of deal with that.
NADIM SAAD: So is there resistance because they just want to have fun before and that they are used to doing it after or where does it come from?
AUDIENCE: Because in their mind, piano practice is always after dinner
NADIM SAAD: OK, so there’s–
AUDIENCE: At least that’s what’s voiced.
I mean maybe there’s something else. But yeah, that’s the objection that we’re given.
NADIM SAAD: Yeah, well this is very– usually that’s very much the purpose of a family meeting. Is when it’s outside of this kind of resistance already, you should do it before. But you can agree on why it’s better for them to do it earlier. I mean that’s where usually, when you get– you get buy in. It’s like any meeting.
To get buy in, they mustn’t be in resistant mode.
They have to realize what the intention is and why it’s better.
And or otherwise you say well, the consequence could be well you have to have dinner earlier and maybe then we can’t participate in dinner.
I mean things– you can actually make things up so that to make sure that– I mean it’s not, it’s just showing them the consequence of not going that way without it being a battle.
Because that’s what you want to remove and everything we do is remove those. This battle, these positions, that it’s a win-lose situation.
Actually everything is a win-win situation.
I mean we’re doing this for our kids.
So they have to realize it.
And the more you create this environment of shared purpose and we have the same goals, the more you can achieve no resistance to piano practice.
Actually yeah, it’s true actually, I’m going to do it. Invent, I mean do it, be creative, that’s what I mean. And they’re going to be your best creative, you know, they’re going to bring the best creative ideas. So allow them to have these ideas because maybe they’ll come up with something that works for you, and that you didn’t even think about.
So to have these conversations.
SPEAKER 2: All right, and with that please join me in a massive round of applause for Nadim Saad.
How do you raise happy kids this is a question your a loving parents heart no matter what we teach them if we haven’t taught them how to be happy or can’t parent in a way that makes them feel happy it’s rather all for naught isn’t it?
So it’s a very pertinent question
The first is the importance of modeling happiness can’t give something you don’t have
How can you teach kids happiness if you don’t have it yourself some parents think loving their family means living only for them
Driving them everywhere cleaning up after them and putting their kids needs and desires way ahead of their own
Parenting shouldn’t turn us into a short-order restaurant or a cleaning or taxi service
It does for some parents that teaches kids a bad lesson
A child who perceives his parent as a servant or someone whose life has meaning only through catering to his whims learns to be selfish
They come to believe others exist to do their bidding.
I have a friend who is raised like that
she tells me when she grew up, she kept having the strange feeling where are all the servants being catered to as such an ingrained part of her childhood that adjusting to adulthood was difficult for her because the servants were missing.
kids who are raised this way tend to feel the world owes them a living
so breaking out of the doormat mode
If you’re in one is pretty central to giving your kids a chance at a smooth transition to happy adulthood
When you take care of yourself make time for yourself and do things that make you happy
Your child learns those behaviors from youI
If she sees you going for your dreams and making decisions based on your inner truth she learns that doing those things is good
On the other hand if you model dropping everything to fulfill her latest dictate
She learns that parenting means self-denial and victimization she may then become a self-effacing parent herself or go the other extreme and forgo parenting entirely because it looks like such a sacrifice
So to raise happy kids be good to yourself treat yourself with respect and dignity the same as you treat your child
Don’t allow disrespect toward you any more than you’d allow someone to be rude to your kids
Make time for your creative desires and dreams
Plan in some scheduled personal time each week and make sure that you take it
Let your kids see you’re doing this and tell them the reason mommy needs to have some fun too or moms need time every day to relax
That shows your child that you value yourself and that personal time is important to everyone’s happiness
The second tip
I’ve learned for raising happy kids is the tremendous value of focused attention
The best form this can take is under updated one-on-one personal time with your child think back to your own childhood and some of your happiest memories
Chances are they include that hike you took with dad or the time you and mom went to the restaurant for a dessert
When we set aside an hour or two to be with our child away from distractions and interruptions we tell him he is important and loved
Giving focused attention is much more powerful than the diffused attention kids get while we cook dinner drive them somewhere or break up conversations to take calls on our cell phone
Children thrive on loving focused personal attention the way plants thrive on sunshine
Structure in some focused attention every day even if it’s only for five or ten minutes
Look at your child when he talks to you so he knows you’re completely with him
He loved it’s a subtle things that count
Giving focused attention teachers self-worth your child knows she is valuable because you valuer enough to carve out time for you in her uninterruptedly by the world for those moments that spells love and when she knows You love her by your actions not your words that brings security and heart fulfillment essential foundations of happiness
In this busy world where parents work two jobs and where kids social calendars can rival those of debutante it isn’t easy to make time to take care of yourself and under up to time for you and your child
But for happiness nothing could be more important think about your schedule what is not essential that you can cut out or wasted moments that you can eliminate
Use that harvested time to be good to you and your kid your child’s happiness and yours depend on it
One of the main reasons that people are emotionally unhealthy is that they are living a life of codependency.
Parents can live co-dependently on their children, or the children can be codependent on their parents.
Codependency is a problem that continues to recur through the generations. Parents can start to help their children become emotionally healthy and live independently when they learn how to live their own lives separately from their children. Parents might even have to make a conscious effort to change these behaviors that might have been plaguing their own families for generations.
It can be hard to determine if there are codependency issues in your family.
Many times the problems are easy to deny and sometimes even more natural to hide.
Sometimes you might not even realize that you are codependent upon your children.
There are some signs of codependency that you can consider to determine if this is something that is a problem for you.
Questions to Ask Yourself to Find Out if You are Co-Dependent Upon Your Child
Do you find yourself overly focused on your child?
Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Does your child suffer from low self-esteem?
Do you practice non-assertive communication?
Do you find yourself denying or devaluing your needs or the needs of yourself or your child?
Do you find yourself devaluing the wants or feelings of yourself or your child?
Do you have poor boundaries?
Do you feel that you need to control the things that your child says or does?
If you answered yes to more than one of these, the then chances are that you have at least some codependency issues with your child.
emotionally healthy children
Your child is going to learn a lot about himself/herself and how to communicate things like their own needs by how they interact with you.
It is imperative to examine how you relate with your child to see if they can develop healthy emotions.
If you want your child to be an emotionally healthy adult, then you should make sure that the following are happening with them.
Is your child about to express free thoughts, observations, and feelings?
Do you try to maintain equality in your home and make it fair for everyone?
Are you able to have healthy communication with your child?
Do you have reasonable rules for your child based on their age and ability?
Are you supportive and nurturing of your child’s needs?
Do you have healthy boundaries with your child?
Are you able to problem solve with your child?
If you did not answer yes to at least three of these things, then you probably need to work on these so that your child can develop into a healthy and productive member of society as an adult.
There are some things that you can do as a parent so that you can help your child to become a healthy adult. The following are some of the critical things for you to think about.
You need to allow your child to have information without making that information dependent upon behavior or using it as a reward.
Make sure that they feel comfortable expressing how they feel and what is going on with them.
You must show your children respect.
If you do not respect your child, then it is going to be hard for them to learn how to respect you and your authority.
Make sure that your child knows that you understand that sometimes they are going to be angry or have expressions that might not be positive.
You can not fix feelings, but instead, you need to work with your child to resolve why they feel that way.
Talk to your child about the boundaries that they want to have. Make sure that you respect these boundaries.
Allow your child to be independent in ways that are age appropriate. You should also give your child some responsibility that is appropriate for their age and allow them to make some decisions.
You need to have reasonable rules and punishments that are humane. Most important here is that punishments do not embarrass your child or cause them mental duress.
Finally, you must nurture your child. You need to be attentive to their emotional and physical needs. Plus you have to make sure that you are not reserving your love based upon your child’s behavior.
Doing these things is going to help you to make sure that you have an emotionally well-developed child who is not codependent on you.
When I was a senior in college, studying Early Childhood Education, I was a little worried about getting a job, and wondered if I should get licensed to teach older grades as well.
But my adviser reassured me, she said: “Kathleen, any day now, there will be public early childhood programs everywhere.” 30 years later, only a fraction of the children who need high quality early childhood programs have access to them, which is why I’m here to talk to you today.
This is a story about the single most important construction a society ever undertakes. It is about what is required to build a physically, cognitively, socially, and emotionally healthy child. It is a process, is complex, is the most challenging feat of engineering and a process that is easily thwarted by poverty and stress.
Healthy children do not come pre-assembled; work is required.
This story begins with 100 North Carolina babies, and their amazing journey.
Their life trajectories were changed by a single intervention, high-quality educational child care.
They remained part of one of the largest studies of child development and one of the most famous, the Abecedarian project.
And it started right here, in this town, at this university, at Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute. Abecedarian means ones who are just learning, and our abecedarians have been followed since the 1970s.
Let me tell you how this worked.
Children and families from Chapel Hill area, all of whom lived in poverty, were assigned to one of two experimental groups.
Both groups received basic supports such as diapers and formula, but only one of the groups, the Abecedarian group, received full day, year round; intensive child care.
The researchers developed an innovative program.
They developed a program that focused on playful activities that emphasized one-on-one intensive language interactions between teachers and children.
The researchers, based on what we knew at the time, thought that they would see results quite quickly, and started assessing the children almost immediately, but it was over a year before they saw any results; at 15 months, there were slight differences between the Abecedarian childcare children and their none participating peers.
But the amazing thing is what happened from the long-term results.
First, there were some real disadvantages for children who did not participate in the Abecedarian childcare [program]. By four years old, they saw declines in their IQ, and in school, they were more likely to be placed in special education.
On the other hand, individuals who received the Abedecedarian childcare outperformed their non-participating peers on assessments of Math, Reading and intellectual measures through high school and into early adulthood. Abecedarian participants were less likely to become teen parents. By 21 years of age, only 40% of the none participants have or enrolled in college or employed in skilled labor, compared to 70% of the Abecedarian children.
Keep in mind, this is 16 years after participating in high-quality early childhood education. They were less likely to become depressed as adults.
By 30 years of age, they were more likely to have a job and a college degree, but the most impressive findings are the most recent: Abecedarian childcare participants in their mid-30’s showed better physical health than their none participating peers.
Let me give you and example.
Among the males who did not participate in the Abecedarian childcare, 25% developed metabolic disorder.
This is a serious medical condition consisting of hypertension and obesity.
Guess how many of the Abecedarian males developed metabolic disorder? 25%, 10%, 5%?
Zero.
Not one of the Abecedarian males developed metabolic disorder in their mid-30’s. High-quality childcare received before five years old is associated with better heart health in mid-adulthood.
Think about that for a moment.
What made a difference for the Abecedarian children?
How and why does high-quality early care in education have such a powerful and lasting impact?
What is required for the assembly of a healthy child, who then becomes a healthy adult?
Research as the FPG and elsewhere have been studying these questions for decades and identifying exactly what is needed for early care in education and the Abecedarian project provided a lot of that guidance.
For example, we know the children need healthy environments. the Abecedarians project lent years of studies that examined specifically what constituted healthy environments for young children, tools were developed in FPG that are used around the world to evaluate and improve the quality of early childhood programs.
But here is the thing: most children who live in poverty don’t have access to those high quality early childhood programs.
Next, language.
A great lesson from the Abecedarian program is the importance of intensive, frequent, one-on-one language interactions between adults and children.
Later research shows that by the time children are four years old, children who live in poverty hear 30 million fewer words than children who live in economically privilege homes, 30 million fewer words.
We continue to work, to try to help early childhood teachers enhance the quality of language development for young children.
Finally, we’ve established that the glue that holds this assembly together is the warm, trusting relationships forged by the adults in children’s lives.
The Abecedarian children had access to these one-on-one interactions with teachers, and we know from subsequent research that when children have caring and trusting relationships with teachers in early childhood, they do better academically and socially throughout the school years.
Healthy environments, language interactions, warm relationships, all rely on the skills of educated, healthy teachers.
So who are these early childhood teachers? And what do we know about them? Let’s take the example of Head Start teachers.
Head Start, you may know, is a federal funded program, designed to educate some children who live in poverty.
According to a recent report on the early childhood workforce, Head Start teachers increased their education, consistently since 2007, while realizing a decline in wages in real dollars.
Furthermore, we know from research that Head Start teachers report poor health outcomes than the general population, and they have very high stress in their jobs working with children and families; and we know that when teacher’s stress increases the quality of their relationships with children declines.
We are working very hard to identify ways to support teachers’ well being so that they can support young children. High quality environments, language interactions, healthy relationships delivered by teachers who are educated, healthy, and well compensated.
emotionally healthy children
Sounds expensive, right? It is.
But the Abecedarian study and other studies have found that there is a financial return on investment. According to Nobel Prize winner economist, James Hackman, participants in the Abecedarian study saved the societal support system as much as seven dollars for every dollar spent.
Seven dollars.
And further evidence from economic researchers shows that investment in high quality early childhood programs, benefits not only children and families but entire communities, and could be the single intervention that thwarts the inter-generational cycle of poverty.
Do you want to live in economically stable communities with low rates of poverty and crime?
Invest in high quality early childhood programs.
Do you want to spend less on public health problems like obesity and heart disease?
Invest in high quality early childhood programs.
Do you want your children to benefit from schools where all children are healthy and prepared to learn?
Invest in high quality early childhood programs.
These days, my office is to next to that of Francis Campbell, one of the original investigators on the Abecedarian study.
But 30 years after my adviser reassured me, children who live in poverty still do not have access to sufficient high quality early childhood programs.
Our investment in human capital is the single most pressing issue we face today; and if healthier and more productive lives aren’t sufficient, we have a financial bottom line that shows we must invest early.
We can sometimes be very humble about our ability to find out what might be useful for others or ourselves, Forget that it may be possible to guess some generalizations about what constitutes Childhood emotionally healthy. It can not be the absolute privacy or good luck. There Themes and objectives of the characteristic can be identified. Map with optimal development in mind, we can appreciate more clearly where to start disintegrating, what we should be grateful to him Allam and regret. At the collective level, we will have more sense of what we need To achieve to generate more distinctive emotionally – and thus the world Wiser Kulaila-. In the context of a healthy childhood emotionally, we can expect some of the following: – someone will put himself sincerely in our service.
If we have adults Mental health standards, it is almost sure that when we were young and helpless infants There was someone (we owe him our lives) to pay its own needs Aside to focus on our needs we are entire. We explained what we could not Say, guess what can be Atabna, Hdoona and Oasuna. Kept Chaos and Aldaudhaebaida and cut the world into pieces we can control. They did All this, and at the same time, did not ask us to thank them, understand them or show them compassion. They did not ask us to wonder how their day was or how they sleep at night. (It was not much). They treated us like kings, so that we may later be able to Delivery of cruelty and humiliation in ordinary life. This temporary unilateral relationship Ensure that we have the ability eventually to form a bilateral relationship. You may think People egoists as sick people constant attention. But the opposite is somewhat True; Selfish is someone who did not get enough love.
On pivoting about self To have a substantial share in the early years, so as not to chase and destroy the last. The so-called narcissistic is just the spirit outcast did not have a chance to enjoy Admired excessive and unreasonable at first. – In emotionally healthy childhood, someone It is always to give the best possible explanation for our behavior. We carry on Seventy loaded with goodness. Based on what may be the days are Tqina, not build on it is us right Now.
Someone Atif.aly For example, a judge might say harsh us that we are “looking for attention.” Of Eraana imagined that what we need is more lap and some encouraging words. We may be acted disturbingly. Of Eraana adds that we must be at the level of what we feel Threat. We seem as if we neglected; remember that the care provider That much of it may be related to fatigue. Shepherd is looking down under The surface for more sympathetic interpretations to help us to be along Ourselves, to love ourselves – and therefore ultimately not be too defensive about Own shortcomings, which we grow enough to accept their existence. – In good childhood, Our relationship with the Eraana constant, consistent and long-term. We are confident that Tomorrow there will be the next day. It is not volatile or fragile. He Almost dull, predictable and happy that is taken for granted.
As a result, we develop Confidence in the relationships that arise in our lives. We can believe that what It got a good time can go well again and allow such a prediction that governs our choice for our partner’s Partners. Not Nguettn persons distant and non-reliable; do not still enjoy Punishment. We can choose partners and attentive Alemraaan – not Judge them that they are weak or deficient because they are as well. If you hit trouble with our partners Allatifin, the lack of patience Anfzaa or move away to avoid them. We can try with confidence Reform of the love that we know we deserve. – In emotionally healthy upbringing, not We wanted us to be always girls and boys the good Alkamilon. We are not allowed to get angry and we sometimes In them are disgusting, to say that in some situations, “no” and “because we feel it.” Adults know their flaws do not expect a child to be the best of them. We are not obliged to give at every turn to be we accept. We can allow others to see Dark aspects of us.
This stage of freedom Thaina to give one day to the requirements of society Without the need to rebel defensive ways (the fact that the rebels in the rear, are people They had to obey a lot early). We can work hard when it is in our interest In the long term to do so. But at the same time, we are not cowards or obedient without discrimination We can find a middle point between the slave compliance on the one hand and self-destruction Challenging the other. – In an emotionally healthy home, we care provider is not jealous of us Or competing with us. It can be allowed to be exceeded or superiority to it. He has got On Hzth in the spotlight – or get them somewhere else outside the family They can be proud of the achievements of their children are not competitors (who are usually of the same sex) They do not need because of the axis.
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There are alternatives to panic; the ship will overcome the storm and back To the harbor. It is safe to go outside and explore. There is no risk of all turn. We can go out in a short exploratory trip at the beginning, and then we return to ensure – just to get out The second expedition longer. We can risk. – It is vital That many errors occur in health childhood emotionally. No one has devoted his reputation for providing Everything is complete. Care provider does not see that his duty to remove all the frustration. He knows that a lot of good comes from getting the appropriate amount of disagreement – which develops the child through its sources and uniqueness of confrontation With potential disappointments, the child is urged to form your inner world Which can dream it, be new plans, he calms himself and builds its sources. – the right care provider is not – as the child can never Ary- good or absolute evil, So it is not worthy of worship or contempt.
The child accepts errors And the virtues of the care provider maturely sad and Amtnan- and therefore, It is ready to accept that everyone will be a mixture of positive and negative. An adult will not fall deeply in love to get angry at the first moment Letdown. It has a sense of realism about what to expect from life with another good enough Despite all the progress we have made in the field of technology and material resources, In the art of providing a healthy childhood emotionally we are not much more advanced than Previous generations.
Some collapses, non-life honest, broken souls does not appear Noticeable signs of decline. We fail to provide childhood cannot afford Because we are evil or indifferent but because we still have a long way to know How do we do what seems simple but more complex: love things. Dark facts may not be in our book “things children should never tell” suitable for children but can offer solace and humor and relief for the elderly among us.
Many men are overwhelmed when they first learn that they are going to become a father. Once they get over these feelings, they will be flooded with excitement about fatherhood and having a baby.
The following are some tips that are going to help you to prepare for fatherhood.
Learn How to Relax and Get Some Sleep
One of the first things that you should do when you learn that you are going to be a dad is learning how to relax more and get more sleep.
There is a good chance that you are not going to get much sleep the first few months after your baby is born, so it is a good idea to make sure that you get that sleep that you need now.
It is also a good idea to be well rested and to know how to quickly relax when you bring your new baby home from the hospital.
Get Involved
When you are having a baby, it is a good idea to become as involved in the process as possible.
Attend classes about becoming a dad, go to appointments with your significant other, and learn about how you can help.
Setting up the nursery is one way of helping and one that will bring you closer to the reality that you are going to be a dad.
Consider Parenting Classes
It can be hard to know what to do with a new baby.
One great way to learn how to do things is by taking a parenting class.
These classes can teach you about options that are available to you like:
cloth diapers vs. disposables,
vaccination administration and timelines,
formula feeding vs. breast feedings,
natural birth vs. medicated birth, and more.
There is so much useful information in these classes that they can help you to determine the things that you want for your new baby.
Look at the Books
There are so many parenting books out there that it can be overwhelming to look at them or even to try and choose one.
Talk to your healthcare provider about the one that they suggest for a new father.
Then pick up that book and spend some time reading it.
The chances are that you are going to learn a few things that you did not know that will be helpful to you when you become a dad.
Talk to a Certified Car Seat Specialist
Before you have your baby, it is imperative that you go and speak to a certified car seat specialist. You will want to discuss the proper way to install the car seat in the vehicles that you have.
You will want to practice this and have them check it for you.
You will also want to know how to place your newborn into the car seat properly.
Ask if they offer classes or if they will teach you and let you practice with a training doll.
Discuss Fears with Someone You Trust
All new dads have fears going into fatherhood. Each dad that you know probably had just as many fears as you do.
Obviously it is not a good idea to talk about these fears with your significant other, especially when she is pregnant.
So take the time to go and talk to someone that you trust like a good friend or a family member who is already a father.
This can help to relieve these fears and help you to learn how to handle certain situations with grace.
Talk to Your Baby While in the Womb
While your baby is in the womb it is a great idea to talk to him or her.
You can also sing, play music and do a variety of activities while your wife is pregnant.
This can be a very rewarding time for you both and it is a great time to start to build your bond.
Make a Birth Plan
One of the final ways to prepare for your child to enter the world is to make sure that you have a birth plan and that you are aware of the decisions that your significant other has made.
Make sure to discuss your own concerns for both her and the baby when things come up and make sure that you are both well educated as to your decisions and the options that are available for you.
Bonding with Baby for Fathers
Most new fathers come into the whole new father thing without a lot of experience with kids.
Their partner’s probably did some babysitting, and most likely the guys didn’t.
So a natural question I get a lot which is,
“What am I suppose to do with this thing “now that we got this baby around?”
And the first thing you need to prepare for, is the first couple months are going to be tough.
They’re not going to do anything. You’re going to be standing on your head and telling jokes and doing things.
You’re going to get no response from your child. As the child gets older, you’ll be able to get more response.
It really is all about spending time together.
And paying attention to what’s going on with the child.
That, the time that you spend is where the relationship building comes from.
You’re not going to be able to tune in at age two and say, “Okay, now I want a great relationship.” So it’s the simplest things.
Making the baby a part of your life. You plot the baby in a stroller and you go to the grocery store.
Think of all the fantastic things you can learn in a grocery store. I remember doing this with my kids.
Just those kinds of things build the relationship between you and your child.
You get used to the baby.
Baby gets used to you.
And that’s really what it’s all about.
Fatherhood
My best advice for a father bonding with his daughter, personally my daughter’s three right now.
It’s really important for me to take an interest in things that she loves.
They may not necessary be my passions, but I let her comb my hair.
I let her put fake makeup on. I sit down to imaginary meals with her.
I do things that she really loves.
If it’s bracelets and necklaces, we’ll sit down, and we’ll do some of that stuff together, or we’ll go out and shop for something like that.
One thing that I did specifically for my son is every time we went to a new city or new place, I’ll buy him a patch.
Putting on a duffle bag to give to him later. At the same time, for my daughter I would look for things like charms for her bracelets.
Maybe it’s a doll from some of those places we’ve been.
And I think she really loves some of that stuff.
Fatherhood
The thing that I bonded with my son the most was holding him.
And there was this spot where he would snuggle up against me and hold me.
That, he felt like he was a part of me.
That we were bonding.
He was just there.
And he meant to be right there. And it was a certain specific spot.
He would wiggle into that spot, and I’m holding here because it was here.
This was not, It wasn’t here; it wasn’t here.
He’d just get right and to this day, he still, even though he’s big, he still looks to get into that, and puts his head in that spot that we connected.
Stacked books with colorful pencils and apple on PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE on chalkboard background. School concept.
How to Prepare for a Child’s Parent Teacher Conference
Preparing for your child’s parent teacher conference is important for a number of reasons.
A parent teacher conference is almost like going to an important doctor appointment as you are going to learn a lot of things about your child’s development and learning.
You will only have a short amount of time to talk to your child’s teacher during this conference.
If you are prepared it is going to be more beneficial to you, the teacher, and your child.
Child’s Parent Teacher Conference
Here are some of the best tips to get ready and be prepared for your child’s parent teacher conference.
Know the Steps to Take Before the Conference
There are some steps that you will have to take before you are ready for the conference.
Step 1 – Get Your Appointment
Setting your appointment time for the conference is important and you should do this as soon as possible to ensure that you get a time that works for you, your child’s other parent, and the teacher.
Step 2 – Talk to Your Child
Before you go to the conference ask your child how things are going.
Talk to them about what they are learning and ask them if there are things that they might be struggling with.
Step 3 – Write Questions
If you have any questions for your child’s teacher make sure that you write them down.
This is important so that you do not have to worry about if you are going to forget them. Writing them down will help you to remember them all.
Step 4 – Who Will Be There?
Ask the child’s teacher if other teachers will be present or if you have to book appointments with them separately.
This can help you to make sure that there is no confusion.
Making the Most of the Conference
Of course there are some things that you can do to make the most of the time that you spend with your child’s teacher during the conference.
Only Talk About Your Child
The importance of the conference is to find out information about your child. Make sure that this is the focus of your time in the conference and that you are only talking about your child.
Get to Know the Teacher
Getting to know the teacher and allowing them to know you is one of the best things that you can do for your child.
Tell the teacher what you are willing to do with your child at home as well as what you are willing to do in the classroom.
Doing this can allow you to have opportunities that might not be available if you are not up front telling the teacher about your interest to participate.
Remember There is No Reason to Defend
It can be hard to sit through a conference when your child is not doing well.
Do not be defensive with the teacher, share what you are willing to change and what you can do to help your child.
Take Paper and a Pen
Make sure that you have something with you that you can take notes on.
Check Out the School
Walk around the school and get a feel for how things are there. Sometimes a school might be open and friendly while other times it might be more stringent or hard.
Sometimes if your child is in the wrong environment this way it can stifle them and cause them to have learning issues that they would not have in the other environment.
Make Sure the Teacher Knows Important Home Information
If there is a major change going on in the home, make sure that your child’s teacher is aware.
If you are getting a divorce, having a new baby, or moving your child’s needs to know what is going on.
It is also a good idea to share with your child’s teacher if there is a death of a close friend or family member.
Talk to the Teacher About School
Your child’s teacher is going to be well versed in how to care for your child at school and in helping your child to learn better.
Do not get off track by talking about other issues facing your child.
Be Involved
It is a good idea to be involved with your child’s school.
Let your child’s teacher know ways that you can get involved.
Also ask about parent groups and find out that information about when they meet so that you can do as much as possible for your children.
Have a Plan
When you leave your child’s conference you should have a plan of action about what you will do next.
This will include how you are going to handle certain situations and what you need to work with your child on at home.
Survival Guide for parent-teacher conferences
Parent-teacher conferences it can be stressful for parents and for teachers
The key though is good preparation so today key questions for parents to ask teachers from a woman who knows what it’s like sides of the desk.
Judy cohen is an academic coach and tutor and she’s also an author and former teacher and she specializes in organization and study skills
This is not something that would have occurred to me as being something to prepare for as in going to maybe the doctor’s office but it is equally critically important maybe night we shopping out your son is how old he’s not quite two he’s one and a half so she hasn’t she hasn’t shown once i’m gonna know exactly again a very important thing to prepare for.
So let’s talk a little bit about making those preparations
okay it’s the number one thing that you need to think about well you have to get a different mindset
this is a business meeting it’s a business meeting between you the teacher and your child let’s think of it as that so you prepare for it you’re a manager the teachers a manager your child’s the employee if the managers work together and you have open lines of communication your employee is going to succeed but come into this business meeting prepared.
So I suggest right three to four major issues you want to talk to the teacher about but you don’t need to write it down
is my child listening in class when you’re speaking
is my child taking notes does my child complete homework on time
is my child social to the other children appropriately.
Okay, I’m gonna stop you there because that that’s huge
The first three things you said we’re you know homework is
Is my child completing tasks on time all those things and I always wonder is it okay to ask the teacher a question about how they how they interact socially.
I’m glad you brought that up
absolutely
A lot of parents want to know
Do other kids like my child
Is my child a leader is my child to follow her
Does the child have friends
Does my child have friends and you know kids act differently in school than they do at home.
Where teacher they saved the best for you teachers going to pick up things because she’s had the experience of seeing so many different kinds of children and their personalities and she might give you some hints on what to do with that home
but you have to remember you have 15 to 20 minutes you have a time parameter just like a business meeting to get your business accomplished
and you have to be aware that this teacher is going to give you things to work at home as a business person you’re going to write down suggestions so you can go home and talk to your child using her language
One of the most areas that are questioned all the time is the math curriculum
So math is a language it’s taught very differently today ask that teacher that could be one of the issues you want to speak about
how can I help my child with the math homework.
Tell me the words the phrases that you’re using in class so I can use them at home
I guarantee you that will eliminate a lot of math frustration with homework that is so vitally important and like you said the language is so different today but I remember being in high school and my dad teaching me all of these shortcuts.
He’s a scientist and then going back into my calculus class and getting not getting very good grades because I wasn’t doing it the way the teacher wanted it done for the assignment.
I have so many kids it’ll say to me,
my mom and dad got that answer but they didn’t do it right.
Right there they didn’t do it
That way exactly so that’s a major issue you need to speak to the teachers about and write down what the teacher is telling you and I like the wording you use.
Because instead of parent-teacher conference right, you say please talk calmly or parent-teacher communication yeah because the communication is is so key.
So let’s talk about some do’s and altai so you mentioned write down what the teacher is saying exact words and phrases you also say be cognizant of the time frame absolute the door will be shut you know that it’s your time and appearance going along and there may always struggle with do you knock do you announce that you’re there absolutely right.
You have to be aware of that time parameter lots of teachers have timers and parents get upset when that timer goes off but to remember it’s only 15 to 20 minutes
If you don’t accomplish your goals at this business meeting the last thing you do is you schedule another meeting and please don’t schedule that during a teachers lunch hour teachers really don’t have a lunch hour break they need a break
They work with kids they talk to parents they do emails schedule it at a time that’s convenient for all of you to sit down and talk and tell allegedly about this issue those are the do’s the don’ts let’s talk about
Don’ts do not bring a dog or a pet with remember you’re there to speak about your child not to run around the classroom with a pet
let’s talk about little children and babies, I know things come up babysitter’s get sick you can’t get there unless you take the kids
Bring another child, ask a neighbor child to come with you.
But the moment you bring a baby or a toddler into that conference that distraction is magnified
It’s about that child, not that the baby needs a bottle or a diaper change
let’s about to appear to have a dance class with parents walk to schools to get to their parent conferences and they take this angelic little pet with them you get into the classroom and this thing starts yapping, that’s a distraction.
Let’s about other don’ts
Don’t cry
Oh my don’t blame
Don’t know
Blaming teachers
No blaming other children
Do not talk about other children
Do not talk about curriculum that you don’t agree with
Do not talk about the school board you don’t like
This is about your child and your child’s success
If you feel that you are so emotional because this is a very emotional time when someone is telling you things about your child you may not want to hear or you don’t know hold it together
When you get in your car you can cry yeah go home and cry
But please hold it together
If you feel you need to talk more to this teacher never hesitate to have another meeting
Teachers want these lines of communication
That’s why I call it not parent-teacher conference parent-teacher communication when those lines are open your child will definitely succeed in school
Bring yourself a cookie to eat after oh that’s a ginger cookie cookies water coffee they really appreciate it they’re sitting there talking for hours and hours and hours and you know they go back to back to back to back
I think that’s a great gesture
I think yes
I would have never thought about that plus they might think your kid is a little better if you give them a nice latte there’s something like that and the other key
I know you say because we ran out of time is listen you’ve got to listen to the teacher before you respond a lot of parents go in doing all the talking and don’t make small talk you say this is not a social chitchat that’s open house this is not about your hair the earrings you’re wearing
This is about your child so save those remarks
It really is a time to talk about your child
Please delve into that like any other business meeting and turn off your cell phone
Oh my goodness the best one yet
Yeah no cell phones
Turn em off for 15-20 minutes turn off your cell phone you can do that safely you know where your child is yeah
Most likely absolutely that’s cool and I’m not Judy because she tutored my kids in writing
We’re here to talk today about the end of the marking period and parent teacher conferences.
So some tips to allay some of this anxiety before the conference, and reflecting on the report card grades.
Tipnumber one: reflect on your own anxiety as a parent, caregiver, or guardian.
Take stock of how you’re feeling about your child’s progress.
Are you feeling frustrated, either with your child or with the school?
If you’re experiencing feelings of anger, that’s ok, but just be very aware of what the root of that is, so that when you go in and you go to talk to your child, you’re able to have a really constructive conversation.
Tip number two: ask your child’s perspective.
Find out what they think is going really well, one question i would suggest is what do you think your teacher might say some of your strengths are what do you think your teacher might say you can improve upon?
This is a good opportunity to hear their side and their perspective.
Tip number three: get your child’s input on questions or concerns they have for the teacher or teachers.
So you’ll be writing a list that you’re going to take with you to the conference, you want to make sure that that includes questions that your child has.
Tip number four: share your pride,
Let your kid know, whether they’re an elementary school student or middle school or high school student, let them know what you see are their strengths.
Tip number five: remind and remember:
this is for both you and your child, you’re all on the same team, so let them know that when you go to talk to the teacher you’re really going to exchange information to find out how they’re doing from the teacher’s perspective and for you to advocate on behalf of your child.
Tip number 6: review your child’s work before you attend the conference.
So take a look at samples that you have, whether they’re tests or projects, take a look at them and if you have questions about how they were graded or you’re concerned about the amount of effort that went into it on your child’s part, take a look and take those questions in to the teacher and the conference.
So tip number 7, I’ve already said it, but make a list of questions.
Tip number 8: make a list of your child’s strengths, challenges, and needs for support.
So certainly you know your kid better than anybody else, so list those strengths. Also if there are any relevant changes in your home life and their home life, a new sibling has arrived or maybe there’s been a recent divorce or a death in the family, these are things you if you feel comfortable sharing, you may want to share.
Tip number nine: reflect on your own involvement,
so take some time before you go into think about, am I doing too much for my child?
Am I doing too little?
So just taking stock of your own involvement and then as you go to the parent-teacher conference, you can talk more about how can we continue to support my child most effectively together as a team.
The highest word "success" leads on another business words as concept
How to Increase Self Confidence in Your Kids
Having self confident kids in today’s world is quite the challenge.
Everywhere you look there are images of what “beauty” is considered to be. Sadly most of these images are of body shapes and looks that are just not obtainable by the majority of the population. Trying to curb the effect that these images have on your kids can be tough.
There are some things that each parent can do to try and boost their kids’ self esteem. The following tips can really help you, I know because they have really helped me.
Child Development and Building Confidence in Children
Tip 1 – Be a Good Role Model
Many parents, myself included, fall into the trap of talking bad about ourselves around our kids. This is terrible for your children because it teaches them to be critical of their own appearance. It can also teach them to think that you do not see them as beautiful because if they look like you and you hate how you look how could you love how they look?
Kids who have parents that have a good sense of self and high self esteem are more likely to have high self esteem themselves. Children will learn how to act in different situations by watching how their parents act. So show your kids how confident you are and if you are not confident, learn to fake it for your kids’ sake.
Tip 2 – Be Sure to Use Encouragement with Your Kids
Many kids feel overwhelmed in new situations or with new experiences. You need to be ready to encourage your kids so that they are willing to try new things. Encouraging your child will help your child to have a higher sense of self self and more self esteem.
You should encourage your kids the first few times that they try anything new. This is important because it will help them to get up the nerve that they need to do something for the first time. No matter how hard the task is for them make sure that you stay encouraging.
Pay attention to what you say to your kids when they are completing new tasks. Even sweeping the floor for the first time is going to take some work and might not be done right but over time kids will improve. Make sure that you do not make your kids feel inadequate at any time.
Tip 3 – Have Your Kids Try New Things
It can be natural for a parent to try and protect their kids in a new situation. If your kid has not experienced something before make sure that you encourage them to try it. When you encourage your kids to try new things, you teach them to not be afraid of the unknown. This is a life long lesson that will help your kid when they are older as well.
Each new experience that your kids have helps them to gain more self confidence. So when your kids want to try new sports, attend different classes, or go to places that you might not have been encourage them to try it out. Do remind them with a sport or class that there is a commitment that they will have to stick to.
Tip 4 – Do Not Compare
One of the worst things that parents can do is compare their kids to each other. This not only attacks their self esteem but it also causes them to have resentment towards each other. When you do not compare your kids you teach them that they are each unique and that this is okay.
There are times when a comparison might be appropriate to teach one of your kids how they should be acting in a certain situation. However this is something that should not be done on a regular basis.
Tip 5 – Do Not Overreact
One of the things that you should try not to do is overreact to things. No matter what your child does you should react calmly. Learn to not make things such a big deal. If you overreact then you are attacking your kids’ confidence.
When you overreact to a small mistake it can make your kids feel stupid. It can also make them feel like a failure or like they can not do something the right way. This will result in your child having a low sense of self and a very low self worth.
The next thing that you teach your kids when overreacting is that life is tough and that even the small things in life are hard to handle. This will make them less willing to face the world around them.
Tip 6 – Take Adventures
Parents who are adventurous will teach their kids that they should not fear the unknown. Trying and doing new things teaches your kids to try and do new things. It also teaches them that it is acceptable to do new things that they might not have done before.
This way of thinking is going to encourage kids to try new things in the future.
Tip 7 – Show Your Kids Trust
Trusting your kids is a great way to instantly boost their self esteem and self confidence. One easy way that you can show that you trust them is by giving them a specific chore or responsibility and resisting your urge to control that situation.
Different ways that you can show that you trust your kids include allowing them to purchase something at the store on their own or even asking them to help take care of younger siblings. To pick the right task to help your kids raise their self esteem think of something that they have not previously done, that they have the ability to do well, and that will be safe for them to complete.
Tip 8 – Give Them Time to Grow
When your kids are learning new skills do not rush them. Let them learn at their own pace. Each one of your kids might learn the same skill at a different pace as well.
What comes easily or naturally for one might be difficult for the others.
If there is too much pressure for a kid to perform at a level that they are not ready for then it will bring down their confidence in themselves.
You can help your kids to have more self confidence. Raising kids is hard but these tips can help you to ensure that you are going to be able to give your kids the confidence that they need to conquer the world.
Most parents do not attack their kids’ confidence on purpose either which is part of what makes the whole thing so difficult. Be careful that you are constantly reminded that your kids are just kids and not adults so do not expect too much out of them.
However it is a great idea to let your kids learn how to do things on their own so that they will build their own confidence and have a higher self esteem.
Confidence – In Your Child
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Jessica Ruby When faced with a big challenge where potential failure seems to lurk at every corner, maybe you’ve heard this advice before:
“Be more confident.”
And most likely, this is what you think when you hear it:
“If only it were that simple.”
But what is confidence?
Take the belief that you are valuable, worthwhile, and capable, also known as self-esteem, add in the optimism that comes when you are certain of your abilities, and then empowered by these, act courageously to face a challenge head-on.
This is confidence.
It turns thoughts into action.
So where does confidence even come from?
There are several factors that impact confidence.
One: what you’re born with, such as your genes, which will impact things like the balance of neurochemicals in your brain.
Two: how you’re treated.
This includes the social pressures of your environment.
And three: the part you have control over, the choices you make, the risks you take, and how you think about and respond to challenges and setbacks.
It isn’t possible to completely untangle these three factors, but the personal choices we make certainly play a major role in confidence development.
So, by keeping in mind a few practical tips, we do actually have the power to cultivate our own confidence.
Tip 1: a quick fix.
There are a few tricks that can give you an immediate confidence boost in the short term.
Picture your success when you’re beginning a difficult task, something as simple as listening to music with deep bass; it can promote feelings of power.
You can even strike a powerful pose or give yourself a pep talk.
Tip two: believe in your ability to improve.
If you’re looking for a long-term change, consider the way you think about your abilities and talents.
Do you think they are fixed at birth, or that they can be developed, like a muscle?
These beliefs matter because they can influence how you act when you’re faced with setbacks.
If you have a fixed mindset, meaning that you think your talents are locked in place, you might give up, assuming you’ve discovered something you’re not very good at.
But if you have a growth mindset and think your abilities can improve, a challenge is an opportunity to learn and grow.
Neuroscience supports the growth mindset.
The connections in your brain do get stronger and grow with study and practice.
It also turns out, on average, people who have a growth mindset are more successful, getting better grades, and doing better in the face of challenges.
Tip three: practice failure.
Face it, you’re going to fail sometimes.
Everyone does. J.K. Rowling was rejected by twelve different publishers before one picked up “Harry Potter.
” The Wright Brothers built on history’s failed attempts at flight, including some of their own, before designing a successful airplane.
Studies show that those who fail regularly and keep trying anyway are better equipped to respond to challenges and setbacks in a constructive way.
They learn how to try different strategies, ask others for advice, and perservere.
So, think of a challenge you want to take on, realize it’s not going to be easy, accept that you’ll make mistakes, and be kind to yourself when you do.
Give yourself a pep talk, stand up, and go for it.
The excitement you’ll feel knowing that whatever the result, you’ll have gained greater knowledge and understanding.
Confidence first. How do children find their self-esteem?
Kids build self-confidence from learning new things, so when they have an opportunity to try out a new game or to climb a new climber or to pull on their shoes for the first time, that’s when they master something, and you build up a sense of mastery through competition, and that’s when you built confidence.
It’s trial and succeeding.
The more and more of those you have, the more confident and self-aware and happy you become. Our kids do learn not only from successes but mistakes, or they’re not quite there or failures.
We as parents often don’t want our parents to struggle or feel don’t if they don’t succeed, and yet, that’s how they learn is through that trial and error and through really trying to build up their knowledge and experience base. So parents have a two-fold job in teaching their kids about self-confidence and self-esteem.
They to have provided experiences and be an emotional pillar and someone for no matter success or failure, someone to come home to.
That’s right.
Our kids need that secure base.
They need to know their parents are going to love them, be predictable.
They are the foundation.
From there, they can explore.
The more we can give them those Jen riching experiences with arts, with music, with foods, with physical challenges, the more they get to explore what are their limits and what things they enjoy and want to learn more about. I think we’ve come back to the same theme so often when we talk about improving the lives of your kids.
It’s spending time with them.
Right, and exposing them to new things, it’s not about the status quo.
That’s right. It’s always the balance of learning from your child, let them lead some of the games, some people call it a child’s play, bring them to the experiences, to the museum, musical show, to the library and read to them.
All of those things where you expand their world and also allow self-direction is building self-confidence.
Parents are hesitant to let their kids explore they hate the negative.
They hate when it doesn’t work out.
How can you learn from the negative moments, too?
When we give our kids a chance to struggle a bit, like with my twins that I have at home, the 4-year-old’s getting direction in the morning, when they struggle and put their shoes on on the wrong side.
We say whoops, something went wrong here, what happened?
Oh, the shoes are on the wrong side, so then they can switch them.
Learning from the struggle from mistakes helps to cement, right is right and left is left, and I can do it myself.
I feel right about that.
There is a difference when someone tells you something, and you learn it on your own, and you’ll remember it if you figure out the mistake on your own.
That’s right.
There are three sentences that I want to hit home while we finish up.
First is mastery comes through repetition.
Our kids, we see this in their play.
They play certain games over and over again.
I the mommy, you’re the daddy, we’re having a baby.
We’re cooking in the kitchen.
That’s mastery through repetition, doing things over and over again to feel a sense of control over it.
Your next is self-confidence comes through success.
Like our kids when we were talking earlier have those challenges that are just challenging enough and succeed at those, that’s self-confidence.
Your last tip is self-esteem comes from self-respect, and that is so important to develop.
That’s right. Self-respect is learning to control yours, learning your limits and learning to challenge yourself.
That self-esteem disgust of feeling good about yourself.
Again, that comes back to that secure base, that foundation of this training.
Developing a Healthy Self–Esteem inYourChild
Children with healthy self–esteems try hard in school, get along well with others, hold a “can–do” attitude about life, and feel positive about their environment.
They can accept ups and downs graciously.
The opposite is true of children who suffer from low self–esteems.
These children compare themselves to others and never feel they have done well enough.
They are frustrated easily and fear risk and challenge.
Children with low self–esteems can easily fall prey to peer pressure, eating disorders, and other dangers.
You can help a child who has a low self–esteem by examining the reasons behind it.
You can also encourage the continuity of those children who have healthy self–esteems.
By using a positive, can–do attitude inyour home, you will pass that attitude on to yourchild.
Try the following ideas to encourage a positive self–esteem:
EXAMINE YOURSELF AND YOUR ATTITUDE
Children learn by example. If you hold a high self–esteem and think positively, odds are yourchild will to.
If you suffer from a low self–esteem you will need to examine your current patterns of thinking and work on changing them.
SEEK OUT THE POSITIVE
This does not mean you need to be a Pollyanna but you should search for the positive side of things.
When yourchild comes to you with a problem, ask questions and pursue the positive side.
The same goes for how you act inyour own endeavors. When things go wrong look for the up side.
RELATE TO YOURCHILD
Parent’s often will sit and tell the humorous stories of their past.
There is probably much more yourchild would like to hear.
When yourchild comes to you with a dilemma, share your own experience. Even though you may be years apart yourchild may find relief that you have had times of self–doubt and concern.
WHY ASK WHY?
If yourchild uses statements like “I can’t” or other statements that show he is frustrated or giving up, ask “Why can’t you?”
Asking these questions may frustrate yourchild and you may hear answers like “I don’t know… I just can’t!”
Try bringing the subject up later when the intensity of the situation has lessened. Then ask “Earlier today you said you could not solve that puzzle, why don’t you think you could solve it?”
By exploring reasons together you may find the source of a low self–esteem.
IDENTIFY STRENGTHS
Another way to increase self–esteem is to emphasize a child‘s strong points.
If he is good in art but doesn’t do well in sports––work with him and praise him on his art.
By developing a feeling of confidencein one area, that confidence may spread into another area of a child‘s life.
PRAISE AND ENCOURAGEMENT
Praise and encouragement are essential vitamins for a child.
Encourage all children and praise them for situations where they put their “all” into it, no matter what the result.
Filling your vocabulary with positive statements and providing a positive environment are big steps in helping yourchild build a healthy self–esteem.
Parenting is an adventure, as any parent would agree. Although there are many challenging periods, the good times far outweigh the bad. In fact, children are often the ones that remind adults what really matters in life. Yet even with the rewards of parenting, the family-centered society that once existed is quickly slipping away. The increased demands on parents, especially working mothers, have been difficult for American families to adjust to. Luckily, it’s not the quantity of time spent with children, but the quality that makes a difference.
With the burden of working and running errands, life can seem like one big chore. With this approach toward life, many parents find themselves spending time with their kids, but not really enjoying the moment. Interaction is not only beneficial for kids, but adults as well. Actually, there is a lot to be learned from children, who often have a better outlook on life than adults. So make the most out of every interaction and enjoy the good times.
Mark the calendar and make family time a priority. Clear everything off the schedule and head out with a fresh mind and positive attitude. By putting all worries aside and focusing on the kids, family time will be most rewarding. After all, spending time with kids is enough to put a smile on anyone’s face.
One thing that adults can learn from kids is how to live life with an open mind. In a child’s world, there is no fear in trying new things. Kids are resilient and approach unfamiliar situations with ease. Some kids are more apt to new experiences, but all are confident knowing their parents will be there to smooth things over. Even though adults’ lives aren’t quite as foolproof, parents should take chances. And if the opportunity doesn’t work out, a new door will open.
The attitude that children have towards others is wonderful. Instead of judging people based on stereotypes, kids nurture their relationships and value the true qualities of others. Take the time to do the same, and recognize the traits that exist within friends, family members and coworkers. By noticing these qualities in others, it won’t be long before adults are enjoying life’s simple pleasures with each other, just as children do. Unwind from the role at work and take time to enjoy extra giggles. It’s the small things that bring laughter to a child’s world.
Kids are also wonderful at being honest. All adults could use a bit of honesty in their lives, whether it’s with themselves or others. Being truthful also helps adults to express their emotions, another healthy approach toward life. By acknowledging feelings, parents are able to be confident in their roles and start their days with an optimistic attitude, just like kids. And of course, there’s one thing that children never fail to remind adults: How to play. Sometimes all parents need is a day at the park to make all the worries fade away.
Responsible parenting: Create memories, not expectations
Ilze Garda Reviewer: Peter van de Ven Every single one of us here today knows something about families. Every single one of us is someone’s child, therefore has experienced parenting. Some of us are parents and have our own children. I have four. As human beings, we are all familiar with expectations.
Expectations laid on us to succeed in life, expectations at work – to deliver, to be effective, to know, not to fail – the expectations for parents to juggle personal and professional lives, eat healthy food, prepare our children healthy meals every day, participate in sports, read books every night, and excel at work at the same time. Today, you have expectations for me: to surprise you, to reveal something new, to tell a secret of parenting you have not known before.
You have those expectations. I have been an educator for 20 years, a mother for 15 years, two master’s degrees, one PhD, running 15 preschools in Latvia and Lithuania, three schools, author of parenting books. I bet this room is filled with thoughts, hopes, duties, and tasks. It’s like a raindrop getting bigger, bigger and bigger before it falls. And what do we do?
Without noticing, we transfer all these expectations that we have on our children. When I was opening my first preschool, I was introducing a new concept of contextual education to parents, training new teachers, and assembling IKEA furniture at the same time.
On one really hot summer day on a campus, a prospective family was being walked around, and they asked whose girl was roaming around, the one in winter boots and a plastic princess dress. I had to admit that I was the irresponsible mother, because in Lithuania we have expectations for how children should look and behave.
And she was not meeting any of those. It takes guts to be acceptive of who your child is, to be at peace, to let go. But I also have moments that don’t make me proud of myself. My daughter is seven, and she loves to polish her nails.
During the spring break, she had them polished and forgot to remove it after I asked her to do so. Being the busy mother I am, I didn’t follow through, and there it was: the end of the break, in the morning, and my youngest with the nail polish. I got upset since we were on our way through the door, and I had no time to remove it. I said I was disappointed, I said I was angry, I shamed her. On the way to school, she sat in the back in the car, and, instead of being the happy girl she is, she was quiet.
She was not excited to go back to school. She greeted her teacher, and I saw she had her fingers turned inwards. She was so conscious about her nails. And I felt a stab in my heart.
Why did I do this? I didn’t do this because of her, I did this because I was concerned and conscious of what the others will think of me. Credentials, education and all. Just recently, I counseled a mother who was cooking three different dishes for her three children every day. She did not enjoy it. She was exhausted, and she felt unappreciated. I told her to stop. Just stop it. It’s been two weeks. She cooks one meal for everyone. Her children are still alive. She is much happier, both as a mother and as a human being.
And it took so little to make a big change. The paradox is that more than anything in our lives we want our children to be happy. We fear judgement, we fear disappointment, we fear failure so much that we have become constantly worried and stressed as parents. Today, we expect a kindergarten student to do what elementary students were doing just a decade ago. On one hand we know that a child’s brain undergoes an amazing period of development between zero and three, producing seven hundred neural connections every second.
Seven hundred. We want to load this amazing speed train fully; can anyone blame us? However, we forget one thing. Neuroscientists have also found that chronic stress triggers long-term changes in brain structure and function. Children who are exposed to chronic stress are prone to mental problems, such as anxiety, depression, and mood disorders later in life, as well as learning difficulties.
The famous psychologist Lev Vygotsky was the first to talk about the zone of proximal development.
Children learn best when they are in the zone where tasks are not too easy and not too hard, where the goals are achievable with grit, determination, and passion. How can we make sure we and our children are in that zone?
How to achieve that balance where the magic of joyful learning happens? I think I was approximately seven years old, and my family and I were skiing in Georgia. We got up the mountain out there, and there on the very top was a huge storm.
I completely froze and refused to ski down. My father tried to persuade me, but there was no way I was going to ski down in a storm like this.
So he told me to close my eyes, he placed me between his legs, and we skied down – together.
He could have made me.
He could have shamed me.
And yet,
he chose to be kind,
and that’s what I remember to this day.
This is my memory of my father and my childhood, and it is my motivation to never give up.
This simple question, what kind of memories do I want for my child, keeps me going and should us all: at home, schools, everywhere. Is our parenting founded on kindness and generosity?
Is our parenting founded on criticism and hostility?
What is our habit of mind? What are we looking for? Are we looking for the things we can appreciate, or are we looking for mistakes? Kindness makes our children feel loved, not the degrees we have, not our concerns, not the number of after-school activities we take them to every day or homework we check. Kindness – that is our key story and key memory.
Do you remember how many teachers made a difference in your life? One? Maybe two. Three? Imagine how our world would be different if only three did not make a profound difference. Children don’t need a stress-free life. Moderate or good stress, such as studying hard and learning new skills, builds circuitry and a more resilient brain. But prolonged stress reaps chaos.
Remember – kindness every single day. And for those already posing a question about encouraging laziness, I answer, “No, it will not encourage this.” Human beings are born curious and creative.
Have you ever seen a one-year-old who gives up on walking? No, they get up as many times as needed, no matter how many times they fall. And they do. Because they are determined, and they don’t fear failure, yet. What is failure? I oftentimes ask parents why they are so stressed when it comes to parenting. They say they don’t want their child to be a failure. But we impose our understanding of failure of mid-20s, 30s, 40s, whatever, to our five-year-olds.
They have to enjoy the carelessness of life. I have recently read a story of a very, very talented and young girl who got into Columbia, only to have gone missing one year later. She felt guilt and anxiety, but she could not go on pretending; pretending that she wanted to do things that she really didn’t. Both she and her mother felt an enormous stress and then a great relief when reunited after the girl had been found.
It’s a story with a happy ending, a memory created that will last for life. And even though I might have created an expectation for a magic trick, I have to disappoint you. Magic is the memory that we create now.
I create memories just like you do. There is no perfect day or moment to come. If we keep waiting for a perfect day to come, it may never come.
We will come back too late from work. We will be tired, we will be frustrated, we will be exhausted and angry, and it may rain when we have planned a perfect walk in the park. Parenting is spontaneous, more than anything else. Parenting is about the unexpected moments of bliss that we savor.
When we decide to run a marathon, we don’t run 42 kilometers on our first try. We may run one kilometer or just 500 meters. But just like all big journeys start with a first step, so does the journey of parenting. Hug your child, smile, bite your tongue when you are going to reprimand. It’s only a dozen of minutes most of us spend with our children per day, let those minutes count.
Let us make those minutes a candidate for the best memory competition: an experience of unconditional love.
Last week, I was in Iceland, and at a conference I met a mother who said that she used to want her son to get the very best grades. She also used to tell him that she was too busy to do the things with him that he wanted and that she considered were not important – like going for a ride on a tractor that he was asking her to do.
And then she realized that better grades were her expectations, and the tractor was his. And a tractor ride it was. After a while, his grades improved. She told me not about the grades, she told me about the relationship she has with her son today, and how letting him go brought peace into their lives.
She was able to create an amazing memory.
You don’t need to nót have expectations; always do your best, and when you do your best: do better. Children will see it and will live by example. You won’t need to say anything. But when it comes to them, think about the future, think 10, think 20 years from today. What do you want your daughter to remember? What do you want your son to remember?
Teach them to ride a bike; to unsuccessfully bake a cake and giggle about it; have a difficult conversation; laugh today when you have gotten angry yesterday; forgive; apologize; teach values; whisper “I love you” more often than you think you should and more than you have done before.
